During our first counseling session, Angie broke down in tears as she talked about her ex-boyfriend Dean bailing out after just six months of dating. She knew that Dean didn’t particularly like children (and she had two teenage girls) but she was head over heels in love and continued in the relationship much too long.
Angie reflects: “Dean’s a great guy but he told me from the start that he didn’t want to marry someone with kids and he just wanted to date casually. I let my imagination get carried away with me and started thinking about us buying property together. When he caught wind of this, we sat down and had a long talk and he broke up with me. I should have seen it coming.”
Over and over again, I see clients leap headlong into a new relationship soon after divorcing— even move in with someone — only to face a disastrous breakup a short while afterward.
While it’s normal to seek comfort, companionship, and a sexual relationship after a breakup, it’s crucial to take it slow so you can assess whether the new person is a good match for you and your family. Ask yourself, “Is my new love interest a good fit for my family?” And, do they like children and want to spend time with kids who are not their own? Truth be told, you can be attracted to a lot of people, but when you have kids, you are asking for trouble when you pick a partner who isn’t fond of children.
7 questions every single parent must ask a new partner before diving in head-first.
- Why did your marriage (or last committed relationship) end?
- What is your typical way of dealing with conflict? Don’t assume that your partner has good anger-management skills. Do they tend to stonewall or withdraw from conflict or see it as an opportunity for growth?
- How do you feel about making a commitment to someone with children?
- How do you feel about having children? How many children do you consider the best number if you want them?
- Do you believe that couples should share chores and child-care responsibilities? If so, what do you believe is a fair distribution of chores?
- What is your view of divorce? What would you consider a good solution to a period when your marriage is rocky?
- What is your vision for your life in five, 10, and 20 years?
Next, if you feel satisfied that your new love interest is a good fit for your family, it’s critical to determine the best time to introduce them to your children. This is the number one question parents ask me. My response is: What’s the hurry? Even if you are madly in love and seem to have a lot in common with your new love interest, breakups are common and kids get caught in the crossfire.
When you find a person that you are becoming seriously involved with, be sure to prepare your children in advance for the first visit. Keep in mind that the setting and timing of an introduction is vital to your success. Rather than planning a long visit, it’s best to have a brief, casual meeting with few expectations.
Divorce expert Rosalind Sedacca recommends these tips: “Ask the kids for their feedback. Discuss their feelings. Watch how your partner behaves with them. Make sure the kids never feel threatened by the thought that they are losing their Mom or Dad to a stranger. How you approach adding a new partner into your life will affect their long-term relationship with the children.”
A crucial factor to keep in mind when introducing a new partner to your children is their age. In fact, younger children (under age 10) may feel confused, angry, or sad because they tend to be possessive of their parents. Renowned researcher Constance Ahrons, who conducted a 20-year study of children of divorce, concluded that most children find their parent’s courtship behaviors confusing and strange.
On the other hand, adolescents may appear more accepting of your new partner than younger children, but they may still perceive that person as a threat to your relationship. Ahrons found that teenagers may find open affection between their parent and a partner troubling, so go easy on physical contact in front of them. Do you want your teenager to model their behavior after you? If so, you owe it to yourself and your kids to build new relationships thoughtfully.
I’ve witnessed many new relationships go south when a partner is introduced to children too quickly. It can cause anguish for everyone, especially children who are probably holding on to the idea that their parents will eventually get back together. It may take them time to accept a new person in their life.
Just because you are smitten with your new love, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your positive feelings. In fact, children of divorce often feel rivalry with their parents’ love interests, especially the first few years after the divorce. Children need time to adjust to their parents’ split, and it can take at least two years for them to get over anger, sadness, and other emotions.
Consider that you are a role model for your kids and exposing them to casual partners may not set an example for responsible dating. Keep in mind that your children look to you as a model for healthy adult romantic relationships. Do you want them to feel pessimistic about lasting love?
The key to successful parenting post-divorce is healing, and introducing a new love interest too soon might complicate, delay or damage this process. Have realistic expectations about your children’s acceptance of your new partner. Just because you are enthralled with this person, it doesn’t mean that your kids will share your enthusiasm. So take it slow and don’t introduce your kids to your new love interest until you have a fairly good sense he or she is a “keeper.” Talking to a therapist may help you to make this decision and these sessions will be time well spent as you move into this next phase of your life.
You can find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is available on her website. Her new book, The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around, was published by Sounds True on February 18, 2020. Her books can be ordered here.
I’d love to hear from you and answer your questions about relationships, divorce, marriage, and remarriage. Please ask a question here. Thanks! Terry
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