Sydney, 39, and Tim, 40, have been attending counseling sessions for over three months and when I asked them what they were doing to celebrate their anniversary this year, they both paused and said they didn’t have plans.
Tim reflects, “It doesn’t matter what we do for our anniversary, we never really get along anyway.”
Sydney responds, “This is true, it seems hypocritical for us to go out for a pricy dinner when we argue and never really listen to each other.”
What I explained to this couple is that having meaningful conversations can help couples feel more connected. In fact, spending periods of quality time doing shared activities alone with your spouse each week is the most important way to deepen physical and emotional intimacy.
Whether you make a standing date to go to the gym, explore your neighborhood, watch a movie, go to a concert, you and your partner must make a commitment to time alone each week and talk about what’s important to you. I know the demands of daily life seem to leave little time or money left over for relaxed, fun activities, but alone time together is part of the time and energy investment you are making in your relationship. It will pay off over time. It’s like making a deposit in your savings account, positive time together adds up and will contribute to intimacy and loving feelings between you.
4 Ways to have more meaningful conversations with your partner:
- Carve out time for daily rituals to do with your partner. For instance, 15 minutes to debrief your day when you first arrive home, waking early to cuddle, and showering or bathing together. Consider eating one meal a day without screen time to enhance communication.
- Have a Stress-relieving conversation daily. In The Relationship Cure, Dr. John Gottman suggests that you have a 20 minutes stress-relieving conversation in the evening when you don’t try to solve problems but take turns listening and offering support.
- Ask your partner open-ended questions such as “Is something really bringing you joy right now?” Or, “What was the best part of your week so far?” These are questions that will allow your partner to give you more than a yes or no answer and encourage a good conversation.
- Listen to your partner attentively. Pay attention to his or her needs and do your best to support them when possible. In a nutshell, to be your partner’s best friend. Friendship is at the foundation of every great marriage and close relationship.
Remember to never underestimate the power of having great conversations with your partner. Doing fun things together like playing a game, watching a funny movie, or giving each other a massage, can help you feel emotionally connected and enhance your conversations. In order to feel close in your relationship, make an effort to have a meaningful discourse with your partner and to listen and be there for them.
Find Terry on Twitter, Facebook, and, movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s award-winning book Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship. Her new book The Remarriage Manual: How to Make Everything Work Better the Second Time Around was published by Sounds True in 2020.
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