Karen, 48, sat on the sofa in my office and recalled the details of her recent divorce saying, “I didn’t realize how hard it would be when I made a decision to leave James last year. It has taken me over a year to be able to talk about him to my friends without some regrets. Even though we bickered constantly and he was emotionally abusive, it’s been hard to let go and move on.” The reality is that breakups... Read more
Over the last two decades since my divorce, I’ve come to the conclusion that my first marriage didn’t fail – it simply ended due to incompatibility and our difficulties resolving or managing ongoing conflicts. Throughout my journey from an unhappy first marriage to a healthier second marriage, I’ve examined my first marriage from every angle – dissecting every reason why it didn’t work. I also took my time to decide the kind of second marriage that would work for me and... Read more
Both men and women stay in relationships that are destructive due to fears about being alone. Our culture promotes the idea that you have to be part of a couple and there is a lot of stigma about being single. For instance, Kim met Tom on the rebound and she often feels that he treats her badly, breaking promises, arriving late when they are meeting somewhere, and picking arguments with her. Her close friends advise that she break up with... Read more
Dear Terry, My parents divorced when I was seven years old. After my dad moved out, he’d pick me up every Saturday and we’d go out for ice cream or a burger at his favorite spot, but things were never close between us. We rarely spent time together at his house because of my stepmother was not friendly and had her own three kids to deal with. I felt like he picked them over me so I stopped going with him... Read more
During our couples counseling sessions, Kylie, 48, complains about Justin’s, 50, lack of love and attention. She feels like they are roommates and that he rarely gives her praise for being a loving and supportive wife. Likewise, Justin, feels neglected by Kylie at times because she “shuts down” when she feels annoyed or hurt. This creates a vicious cycle of withdrawal and frustration. When this happens, neither one of them is getting their needs met. Kylie puts it like this:... Read more
Caitlin, an outgoing teacher, 35, came to my office for counseling recently and discussed her tendency to pick unsuitable partners. She says, “I always tend to go for men who are emotionally distant. I think it’s because I fear getting hurt and so it allows me to protect myself. I’ve been hurt too many times and I’m wary of exposing myself to emotional pain.” Many people waste time with partners who are not a good match for them. This trend... Read more
Many of my clients who come to my office for marriage counseling complain that baggage from former relationships weighs them down and that they are easily triggered by their partner’s behaviors. As a result, they unknowingly sabotage their marriage. For instance, Amy, 38, and John, 40, have been married for ten years but their union is often rocky because Amy has difficulty dealing with conflict and threatens to leave when they disagree. In their breakthrough book, Conscious Loving, Dr.’s Gay... Read more
Carolyn, 42, sits across from her husband, Henry, 45, in my office, as they discuss their challenges with candor and empathy. Since Henry was laid off from his job as a restaurant manager, during the COVID-19 pandemic, they have struggled with finances while raising three children on one salary. As we discuss ways to manage stress and reduce their spending, Carolyn expresses concern for Henry’s well-being. Carolyn put it like this: “Henry is a wonderful father and husband and has... Read more
Who we choose to marry is one of the most important and costliest decisions a person will make, yet it’s not uncommon for lovers to make errors in judgment. Why does this happen? One reason is that most of us aren’t raised with a healthy template of marriage to follow. We also lack self-awareness and may be afraid of ending up alone. Taking a closer look at a potential partners’ beliefs, values, and expectations will set you up for a... Read more
Many studies show that being raised in a high-conflict divorced family can cause children to have low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. It can leave him or her with the ultimate feeling of rejection. Many kids internalize the breakup of their families and feel it’s their fault. Children soak up everything they see, feel, and hear. Parents may believe they are giving their children all the love they need, but they send a conflicting message when they fail to reconcile their own relationships with their former partners.... Read more
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