Who we choose to marry is one of the most important and costliest decisions a person will make, yet it’s not uncommon for lovers to make errors in judgment. Why does this happen? One reason is that most of us aren’t raised with a healthy template of marriage to follow. We also lack self-awareness and may be afraid of ending up alone. Taking a closer look at a potential partners’ beliefs, values, and expectations will set you up for a... Read more
Many studies show that being raised in a high-conflict divorced family can cause children to have low self-esteem and feelings of unworthiness. It can leave him or her with the ultimate feeling of rejection. Many kids internalize the breakup of their families and feel it’s their fault. Children soak up everything they see, feel, and hear. Parents may believe they are giving their children all the love they need, but they send a conflicting message when they fail to reconcile their own relationships with their former partners.... Read more
While boundaries are important in any relationship, they are especially critical for mothers and daughters after the breakup of a family. Since I was raised by a mother who gave birth to four daughters and struggled with boundary issues, this topic has always interested me. As a therapist, I’ve also noticed that if women are unaware of transmitting a narrative of betrayal and abandonment to their daughters after divorce, a legacy of negativity and mistrust can be passed on. As... Read more
During our couples counseling sessions, Kyla and Kevin discuss their difficulties communicating their needs productively. It seems like they have the same arguments over and over again and they are often left feeling frustrated. Ongoing bickering and miscommunication is a common theme in many of my couples counseling sessions and I often research the topic to help couples reconnect. In a recent article for The Gottman Institute’s website, psychotherapist Nicole Schiener, looks at the roots and repercussions of communication issues... Read more
The most common complaint of couples that I work with today is that they have fallen out of love and that the passion has dwindled between them. However, falling out of love usually does not occur overnight. Likewise, relationship repair takes time and effort on the part of both partners and includes rekindling sexual intimacy and emotional attunement. Fortunately, here are many ways for couples to fall back in love and ending a habit of criticizing each other is a... Read more
After years of seeing and helping patients with boundary issues, I began researching the topic to gain clarity and information. Many of my clients need assistance in setting clearer boundaries in relationships. They complain that they often give too much to others, feel depleted, and have trouble saying “no” to others. For example, Nina, 50, a client of mine (fictitious name) often spends endless hours running errands for her mother, Susan, age 75. Even if she has her own work... Read more
Dear Terry, I read your column weekly and have to admit that I’m struggling in my marriage. I’ve been married fifteen years and Conner and I have two sons ages ten and thirteen. We argue more recently since Conner lost his job, have not had sex in almost a year, and are drifting apart. Whenever we do talk, we seem to have the same fight over and over and both get defensive. Please tell me some of the warning signs... Read more
The divorce epidemic reached its peak in the late 1970’s. Since then, the divorce rate has remained high – over 45% of first marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of second marriages. These statistics have impacted many adults willingness or interest in making a commitment to a romantic partner or to tie the knot. In the twenty-first century, many people see divorce as a viable option to the inevitable hard times of marriage. Stable and healthy marriages seem... Read more
There are many reasons why adults raised in divorced homes get stuck in the past and have difficulty establishing healthy relationships in the present. You might find yourself in relationship patterns that mirror your family of origin. It’s understandable that you might repeat patterns that you observed in your childhood home. Another factor may be what Freud referred to as repetition compulsion. This is a tendency that people have to repeat patterns from the past as a way to gain... Read more
During our first couples counseling session, Derek, 48, looked skeptical and asked about the process. In other words, he felt curious and a bit apprehensive since I requested that he and his wife, Shelly, 47, make a commitment to at least twelve weekly counseling sessions. After answering Derek’s question, I explained that I would gather information about the history of their relationship during our first session. Then during our second session, I always meet with couples individually to hear their... Read more
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