Conflict Doesn’t Have to Be a Destructive Force in Your Marriage

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 3:58 pm By Terry Gaspard

Most of us dislike conflict. Very few people were raised with healthy role models for dealing with differences. But while conflict may appear to be a destructive force in relationships, it can actually help us achieve lasting love. Author Kate McNulty, LCSW writes, “Differences can be a source of interest and fresh energy rather than cause us to dig in our heels and defend our positions.” For instance, in the past, Trevor would often get defensive and avoid disagreements with Sam because he... Read more

Are You Honest With Your Partner About Your Money Habits?

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 3:59 pm By Terry Gaspard

Despite the fact that financial issues and money problems are the number one subject couples argue about and a leading cause of divorce, there are few studies that address the issue of financial secrecy or financial infidelity. The reason why many people keep secrets about money is fear of being abandoned, shame, and fear of being vulnerable due to past betrayal by a parent or partner. According to researchers, romantic partners aren’t always honest about money in their relationships, but... Read more

How to Nurture Emotional and Sexual Intimacy and Fall in Love Again

Last updated on: November 1, 2022 at 5:08 pm By Terry Gaspard

Many couples like Marcia, 42, and Joshua, 43, are feeling stuck in a loveless marriage with few expressions of affection and love. When we met for couples counseling, Marcia put it like this: “We rarely spent time together and when we do, we argue and it feels like I’m always trying to get Josh to open up. When he shuts down and that causes me to go into overdrive and try hard to seek him out. Then he retreats and... Read more

Make Forgiveness Work For You After Divorce

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:00 pm By Terry Gaspard

The concept of forgiveness takes on a new meaning after divorce because no one marries with the intent of divorcing and hurt and shame can run deep. In my case, I was determined not to repeat the patterns of the past since divorce goes back several generations in my family. In my Huffington Post article Breaking the Legacy of Divorce , I write about my difficulty getting out from divorce’s shadow. What does forgiveness really mean? What I’ve come to realize... Read more

What is a Growth Mindset?

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:00 pm By Terry Gaspard

For most of my career as a therapist and college teacher, I’ve been looking for a theory that explains how people can adjust to change, not give up easily on themselves, and embrace challenges. In my early training as a therapist, I learned that personality was rather fixed because a person’s temperament rarely changes. Then in 2010, I read a cutting-edge book titled Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol S. Dweck and my thinking was transformed. What Dweck... Read more

4 Reasons Why Keeping Secrets Can Destroy Your Marriage

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:01 pm By Terry Gaspard

In my lifetime, I’ve experienced many reasons to mistrust partners stemming from my own background or being lied to. However, in recent years I’ve learned that keeping secrets from your partner is really a form of betrayal and leads to a lack of trust and intimacy in a relationship. I used to believe that a breach of trust was something that couples could bounce back from quickly but I’ve gained insight about the ways this isn’t usually the case. For... Read more

How to Co-Parent Successfully and Help Your Children Thrive

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:01 pm By Terry Gaspard

After my divorce, my two children (now grown) spent close to equal time with both myself and their father. During a nine year period, they experienced many transitions including a new stepfather, stepmother, and the birth of their sister, who is now twenty-one. My experience with shared parenting was positive because I observed my children maintain a close bond with both me and my ex and grow into successful adults. My research shows that adults raised in divorced families report... Read more

Here’s What Really Happens in Marriage Counseling

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:02 pm By Terry Gaspard

As a couples therapist, I’ve witnessed firsthand the benefits of my clients learning to manage conflict, developing new skills for enhancing their relationship, and restoring broken trust. This is what can happen with the support of a skilled therapist. A couple’s commitment to each other can be strengthened by their counseling experience and cause them to feel closer emotionally as a result of engaging in the therapeutic process. In fact, in The Science of Trust, John Gottman says that practicing... Read more

How to Be More Assertive with Your Partner By Using “I” Statements

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:04 pm By Terry Gaspard

Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which means believing in yourself. One of the first things to consider is: how do you treat yourself? No one is going to treat you with respect if you beat yourself up and are not able to ask for what you need. Get rid of all those self-defeating thoughts in your head – such as calling yourself “stupid” that won’t help you express your needs clearly and... Read more

The Benefits of Premarital Counseling

Last updated on: February 19, 2020 at 4:04 pm By Terry Gaspard

In her recent article for marriage.com, therapist LaWanda N. Evans, LPC, NCC, argues that couples who undergo premarital counseling will have happier and healthier marriages. While not unheard of in our culture today, many couples view working with a counselor as something reserved for marriage and so this practice is not widespread. And ever more, therapy is commonly seen as a route to repairing an already broken marriage. But rather than waiting until the damage in a relationship is already... Read more