There are many reasons why people strive to be friends with their ex after a breakup or divorce. One of the reasons is that they like to share resources and help each other out. They still consider themselves to be friends. Shana, 42, a teacher, confides: “I can’t really completely heal from the breakup unless we stay in touch. I know that Jack shares my view, and that’s what works best for us.” Another reason why people want to stay... Read more
During my first interview with Helena and Dan, an attractive couple in their late-thirties, I was impressed with their enthusiasm and commitment to each other. Married less than ten years, they were referred to me for marriage counseling. They have two children, ages 6 and 8 who are well adjusted but have both complained to Helena and Dan that they are tired of listening to them bicker. Dan told me when he called to set up the interview that they... Read more
Tina and Chris, in their early fifties, met through a close friend a year after her divorce and have been married for eight years. Tina didn’t feel ready to fall in love or to enter another relationship so soon after her marriage ended. However, when a friend played matchmaker and introduced her to Chris, Tina finally gave in and agreed to go to a party with him. From that point on, there was a spark, and they spent most weekends... Read more
For some couples, a separation may be a reasonable alternative to divorce if both partners are willing to work on themselves. A planned marital separation can sometimes save a marriage. According to author Tinatin Japaeridze, what some refer to as one’s “need for space from a partner” is a legitimate cry for just that – space. She posits that both men and women sometimes need quiet time to find what’s vital to their relationship. Based on my counseling experience, marital... Read more
What can you do to improve your marriage or relationship when you feel that it’s heading for divorce or breakup? While this is a common problem, the solutions are far from ordinary. The good news is that you’re in a good position to turn around your relationship since it’s usually the person who seeks advice that’s motivated to set change in motion. The number one thing that seems to be breaking up many couples is difficulty bouncing back from a... Read more
After my divorce, my two children (now grown) spend close to equal time with both myself and their father. During a nine year period, they experienced many transitions including a new stepfather, stepmother, and the birth of their sister, who is now twenty years old. My experience with shared parenting was positive because I observed my children maintain a close bond with both me and my ex and grow into successful adults. My research shows that adults raised in... Read more
It takes two special parents to navigate a successful co-parenting arrangement over time. Interacting with each other at drop-offs, making shared decisions, or even speaking to an ex who you’d rather forget can be a challenge. Often divorced parents have a lot of unresolved anger after their breakup which can make moving forward smoothly problematic for their children. What is the solution for divorced parents’ who want to do what’s in the best interest of their children when they... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been feeling very concerned about my ability to keep a relationship going for long. They usually end badly and I’m wondering if my trust issues play a part. My parent’s divorced when I was eight years old and they never remarried so I guess I worry I’ll follow in their footsteps. I seem to sabotage my own happiness by finding fault in my boyfriends. For example, when I’m arguing with Jonathan, I blow small things out of... Read more
During our sessions, Sarah and Jeff both reflected on their own difficulties with being vulnerable and how it prevented them from being close at times. I explained to them that before they can begin to build a long-term successful relationship, they must be vulnerable and learn to rely on each other – which means letting go of the belief that they must handle lives problems alone. Being vulnerable means being authentic and being able to risk expressing your thoughts,... Read more
Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel it is okay to love both of their parents. Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment, and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when parents don’t get... Read more
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