Dear Terry, I’ve been feeling very concerned about my ability to keep a relationship going for long. They usually end badly and I’m wondering if my trust issues play a part. My parent’s divorced when I was eight years old and they never remarried so I guess I worry I’ll follow in their footsteps. I seem to sabotage my own happiness by finding fault in my boyfriends. For example, when I’m arguing with Jonathan, I blow small things out of... Read more
During our sessions, Sarah and Jeff both reflected on their own difficulties with being vulnerable and how it prevented them from being close at times. I explained to them that before they can begin to build a long-term successful relationship, they must be vulnerable and learn to rely on each other – which means letting go of the belief that they must handle lives problems alone. Being vulnerable means being authentic and being able to risk expressing your thoughts,... Read more
Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents – to feel it is okay to love both of their parents. Dr. Joan Kelly, a renowned psychologist reminds us that the outcomes for children of divorce improve when they have positive bonds with both parents. These include better psychological and behavioral adjustment, and enhanced academic performance. However, few experts discuss the drawbacks of co-parenting when parents don’t get... Read more
Too many of us settle for less than we deserve because we are afraid of being alone. If this is your tendency, gently remind yourself that you are a worthwhile person regardless of whether or not you are in a romantic relationship. In my Huffington Post blog “7 Reasons Why It May Be a Good Idea To Stay Single” I write: “Very few people know how to be alone and do it well. They aren’t happy to be alone. They fear it... Read more
If you are questioning whether you are enmeshed in an emotional affair, it’s important to define what they are. First and foremost, an emotional affair is characterized by an intimate connection with someone who isn’t your partner but the person takes on many of the functions of a partner. For instance, you spend a lot of time with him or her, you confide in them, and you look to them for solace and support. It’s key to acknowledge that in... Read more
Dear Terry, How can my husband and I break the negative ways we relate to each other? There’s a lot of advice out there about being more positive with each other but not much about stopping negative interactions. We are at our wit’s end and considering divorce after 15 years of marriage. But we want to stop bickering and have a happier marriage so we can raise our two daughters in a peaceful home. Please help me if you can!... Read more
Establishing and maintaining trust with your partner can be a huge challenge if you’re prone towards jealous feelings. There are many reasons why you might experience jealousy including past betrayals, insecurity, and fear of losing love. The first step in overcoming jealousy is self-awareness. These feelings won’t magically disappear and they can spell disaster for your intimate relationship. Jealousy is the polar opposite of trusting someone. Taking ownership of your jealous feelings will allow you to face them head on... Read more
Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent is to be a friend to your stepchildren on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend more akin to being a guidance counselor or mentor who is also a parental figure. Most of the stepparents who contact me for support tell me they had no idea what they were getting into. One stepdad, Steve, put it this way, “I was never a father... Read more
Since divorce runs in my family, I’ve always searched for ways to break the cycle. Many researchers such a Paul Amato have documented that there are generational aspects to divorce and that if you are a child of divorce it doubles your risk of repeating this pattern. However, adult children of divorce (ACOD’S) are not doomed to repeat the past and can take measures to reduce their risk such as selecting a partner to marry who compliments them and getting... Read more
There is recent evidence that happy, lasting relationships rely on a lot more than a marriage certificate and that the secret ingredient is friendship. Look for qualities you admire in your partner and remind yourself of these admirable qualities regularly. When it comes to matters of the heart, where admiration and respect are found, love will be sustained. But where these things are absent, love will die. Finding a partner who likes and respects you as much as you do... Read more
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