Most of us enter into marriage with one or more unrealistic expectations that can predispose us to unhappiness if we don’t tackle them head-on. For instance, when I married my second husband, Craig, I believed that things in our stepfamily should run pretty smoothly because we had fallen deeply in love, shared similar values, and we are both clinical social workers. Truth be told, many couples tie the knot on the rebound or after only dating for a year or... Read more
In an age when people connecting through social media is second nature, some new couples have found that there’s a darker side to being “friends” online. While it’s true that many romantic matches have been made on the internet, researchers have also found that relationships, fragile in their early stages, can be negatively impacted by the kind of jealousy that can be stoked by diving into a partner’s social media posts. A 2010 study by the American Academy of... Read more
Many people complain to me that they aren’t getting their needs met in their relationship, but they fail to ask for what they need in a positive, non-blameful way to begin with. Or, they are not comfortable being vulnerable so they are secretive, withhold information, or are dishonest with their partner. For instance, Keith and Suzanne, both in their early-forties, a couple who I met with for counseling, shared that Suzanne’s mistrust of Keith was leftover baggage from her first... Read more
In my clinical practice, one of the most common complaints I hear from couples is that they have fallen out of love. There are not any easy ways for couples to fall back in love but ending self-defeating relationship patterns is a good first step. Here is how Marissa put it: “I love Kevin but I’m just not in love with him anymore.” When she shares this, Kevin responds, “I know we don’t feel the same way we used to... Read more
From the time I started dating at age sixteen, I’ve often found myself attracted to my polar opposite – for better and for worse. Likewise, I’ve counseled many couples who are drawn to their opposite because of strong chemistry but find day to day married life a struggle due to conflicting interests and needs. What do we know about a couples staying power if they are opposites? Recent research suggests that it depends on what characteristics you are examining. Actually, some... Read more
Dear Terry, I’m divorced and I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. Kyle was basically a friend before we started dating. My kids are seven and nine. They knew him as a friend before and they seem to like him. My ex knows know that I am dating Kyle and we communicate pretty well. Our kids have shared custody and a good relationship with both of us. My ex is dating and we both approve of each other’s... Read more
You will disagree with your partner, that’s a given. But it’s not arguing with him or her that’s the problem, it’s how your differences are managed. Love means risking occasionally getting your feelings hurt because it’s the price you pay for intimacy. Most of us dislike conflict. But while conflict may appear to be a destructive force in relationships, it can actually help us achieve lasting love. In all intimate relationships, conflicting needs for closeness and space exist. When issues come up... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been married once, and we were not even married quite a full year when we divorced. But my ex ended up not being faithful so we ended things. I was only 21 and now I’m somewhat older (28). From reading some articles, it says that trust is one issue that can be hidden and surface later on when we get into an intimate relationship. Now I’m in a committed relationship with a wonderful man named Brad and... Read more
In spite of the fact that the so-called “grey divorce” rate more than doubled in the last two decades, there are few guidelines for adult children dealing with their changing family. Many adult children of divorce (ACODS) experience loyalty conflicts because they feel that they have to pick sides. Even if they don’t take sides, they may feel stressed trying to maintain appropriate boundaries — especially if their parents are angry foes. Truth be told, ACODS may find themselves in plenty of tricky situations... Read more
Dear Terry, My husband and I have been married for six years. When we started dating, it was like fireworks going off every time we were together. We could not keep our hands off of each other. In the past three years, things have really soured between us and I am no longer in love with him. His business went belly up a few years ago and that’s when he just stopped caring about everything, especially me. Prior to losing... Read more
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