Dear Terry, I’ve been married to John for ten years and I’m worried because we’ve lost the passion and loving feelings we used to have. There’s something missing from our marriage and I don’t know how to get it back. Here’s the problem – we’re more like roommates than lovers. We’re hardly ever alone and when we are, we mostly talk about our kids, Jessica and Thomas, who are three and six, and we rarely discuss our relationship or have... Read more
Sitting on the couch in my office, Deborah, 35, describes her lonely feelings since her divorce. Unfortunately, she has lost her support network after moving with her ex-spouse to the East Coast, far away from her family in Minnesota. She called to participate in counseling to get advise to ease her loneliness. I inform Deborah that these feelings are common in recent years and that I am pleased to work with her. Deborah explains, “I come from the Midwest,... Read more
Being vulnerable means being authentic and being able to risk expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. It means you are in control of yourself, not the relationship. Many people complain that they aren’t getting their needs met in an intimate relationship, but they didn’t feel comfortable being open and clear about their desires. Or, they fail to ask in a positive, non-blameful way to begin with. Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which... Read more
The role of a stepparent can be tricky and it’s worth your time to understand your stepchild’s perspective and to realize that you’re not going to replace their biological parent but you can still make a positive impact on his or her life. Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent is to be an adult friend to your stepchildren on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend is more akin to... Read more
Working with families has been my passion for many decades and one issue that comes up often in counseling over the last few years is how to monitor children’s use of technology. When Karen sat in my office describing her challenge monitoring her son Justin’s use of his IPhone and video games, I suggested that she examine her own use, keep track of Justin’s use daily, and take action by coming up with a plan. Fortunately Karen agreed to this... Read more
When my marriage ended, I went through a period of self-reflection and found myself ruminating over what went wrong. It took me awhile to realize that this is a normal part of grieving and moving on after a relationship dissolves. The reality is that breakups are hard. We have all faced them and been challenged by letting go of the why and how things could have gone differently. Goodbyes are never easy regardless of who initiates the breakup. However, I... Read more
During their first counseling session, Rebecca, 37. and Kevin, 36, discuss how they tend to dig their heels in during arguments, and how bickering can quickly escalate into a dispute. We’ve all been there: the day-to-day routine with our partner falls into a pattern of conflict, and fighting seems inevitable. When the central relationship in our lives feels fraught and a fight looms around every corner, our emotional health and our other, non-romantic relationships suffer. In a recent article for... Read more
During a counseling session, Kyla expressed frustration about her life feeling out of control, being overweight, in debt, and feeling down on herself. Most people, like Kyla don’t understand the value of writing New Year’s Resolutions that are realistic and therefore attainable. After working on some realistic New Year’s Resolutions with Kyla, she felt that she could achieve most of them in the coming year. They were specific and practical and could help her to achieve a healthier lifestyle.... Read more
Unfortunately, it’s easy to overlook someone’s faults in the early stage of a relationship. Infatuation and chemistry can prevent us from seeing red flags even if they seem obvious to others. We might fall in love quickly because it feels good to be desired and fail to ask crucial questions about a person’s values, interests, and character. Who we choose to commit to is one of the most important and costliest decisions a person will make, yet it’s not uncommon... Read more
Kyla, 40, sat on the couch of my office telling me about her unhealthy relationship with Keith, 45, and how after ten years, she was still living with him and putting up with verbal abuse and disrespect. Kyla put it like this, “I’m not sure why I’m still with him. The put downs have gotten worse and my self-esteem is at an all time low. The other day I was driving the car and took a wrong turn (because it... Read more
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