Dear Terry, After fourteen-year of marriage, I’m at the end of my rope. My husband, Ryan is gone a lot and even when he’s home, he’s watching sports. It seems like we have the same arguments over and over again. There’s not much joy or love left in our marriage. Mostly, we argue about our kids, Tyler, 6, and Jessica, age 3. Since Ryan gets home late from his job as a store manager, he mostly wants to play with... Read more
What does forgiveness really mean? Forgiving is one way of letting go of your old baggage so that you can heal and move on with your life. It’s about giving yourself, your children, and perhaps even your partner or ex-partner, the kind of future you and they deserve – unhampered by hurt and recycled anger. It’s about choosing to live a life wherein others don’t have power over you and you’re not dominated by unresolved anger, bitterness, and resentment. Many... Read more
In the seemingly never-ending age of social media, many single parents are struggling to maintain a positive relationship with their children and to keep them entertained and mentally stimulated with limited resources and time. While all parents have faced the challenge of adjusting to a “new normal,” many single parents have had to adapt to working from home without a spouse to share responsibilities, not having enough space, and feeling overwhelmed. For instance, Angela, 44, a single parent for four... Read more
A successful marriage is about more than raising kids and paying bills. It is about building a relationship of shared meaning and purpose. One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about marriage, as a couple’s counselor, is that shared meaning is the main ingredient that can help preserve a marriage. Shared meaning is about fostering a relationship that is full of significance and involves setting goals for the future while prioritizing time and resources. It encompasses your legacy as... Read more
When your marriage ends, it’s natural to experience feelings of rejection, anger, sadness, guilt, regret, or even relief. Self-defeating thoughts can seize you because you’re vulnerable and trying to come to terms with the changes that are occurring in your life. However, it’s important to realize that these feelings are a normal part of grieving and letting go after a break-up. Marissa put it like this: “It was a long time coming and a mutual decision to divorce, but it... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been married to John for ten years and I’m worried because we’ve lost the passion and loving feelings we used to have. There’s something missing from our marriage and I don’t know how to get it back. Here’s the problem – we’re more like roommates than lovers. We’re hardly ever alone and when we are, we mostly talk about our kids, Jessica and Thomas, who are three and six, and we rarely discuss our relationship or have... Read more
Sitting on the couch in my office, Deborah, 35, describes her lonely feelings since her divorce. Unfortunately, she has lost her support network after moving with her ex-spouse to the East Coast, far away from her family in Minnesota. She called to participate in counseling to get advise to ease her loneliness. I inform Deborah that these feelings are common in recent years and that I am pleased to work with her. Deborah explains, “I come from the Midwest,... Read more
Being vulnerable means being authentic and being able to risk expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes. It means you are in control of yourself, not the relationship. Many people complain that they aren’t getting their needs met in an intimate relationship, but they didn’t feel comfortable being open and clear about their desires. Or, they fail to ask in a positive, non-blameful way to begin with. Before you can begin to build successful relationships, you must have healthy self-esteem – which... Read more
The role of a stepparent can be tricky and it’s worth your time to understand your stepchild’s perspective and to realize that you’re not going to replace their biological parent but you can still make a positive impact on his or her life. Different from a biological parent, a major thrust of being a stepparent is to be an adult friend to your stepchildren on some level. Not like a school friend, but an adult friend is more akin to... Read more
Working with families has been my passion for many decades and one issue that comes up often in counseling over the last few years is how to monitor children’s use of technology. When Karen sat in my office describing her challenge monitoring her son Justin’s use of his IPhone and video games, I suggested that she examine her own use, keep track of Justin’s use daily, and take action by coming up with a plan. Fortunately Karen agreed to this... Read more
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