Vocation June 21, 2020
Image belongs to Abby Weiss. She sent it to me this week in celebration of my confirmation patron, Saint Joan of Arc.

I was wrestling tonight with the radically transfigured experience of reality, of my existence, of place in this world, one of my dearest friends messaged me.

She had seen what I am facing right now, and she asked me if I was safe. I wish to share with you the full, raw honesty of my response.

The past 3 days have been, as much as I shudder to admit it, utterly terrifying.

If I ever grew complacent in the possibility that there is not true evil in the world, this experience has convinced me otherwise.

If I ever believed in the potential for the real existence of demons and the reality of possessions…..this has certainly convinced me it is possible

This woman is legion.
And yes, there is definitely severe physiological, scientific psychosis going on here. But this just seems beyond the realm of natural human ability, born of atoms and electrical connections in the brain.

This whole thing is making me relearn and transform everything all over again. Everything the past four years have taught me to accept, and to reject, about the cult-like faith of my father.

Luckily, this time around, I already know what to expect. I know how you let these new revelations whip wildly over and all around me, existing calmly in the heart of this tornado, waiting for the winds to die down so I can sort through the wreakage of my beliefs once again, and be able to rebuild anew.

I’d grown to believe, since my sophomore year of college, that the idea of spiritual attack is utter bullshit, because of how it is used to deflect and project by extreme, cultist religious abusers. And for the most part I still do reject it as complete gaslighting bullshit.

And I do think the majority of the evil and genocide in the world is purely human hatred and prejudice taken to it’s furthest destructive end. But I also believe in and have encountered another aspect of this existence, unexplainable by mere science and electricity and atoms, and I’m beginning to once again believe in the real existence of diabolical hatred and evil that preys on the fears and prejudices of the weak minds of humankind and augment it, convincing well-intended leaders to become genocidal fascist dictators and average, loving, well-intended neighbors to, without warning, decide to lynch someone they’ve known and respected all their lives.

I had become convinced that demonic powers (or whatever it is that is so deeply, powerfully evil that it inspires this in an otherwise normal human) are the things of fairytales. But this week has renewed both my faith in divinity and my belief in the existence of evil.

And I think it is true that it’s conduit into our lives is always through trauma and abuse. I think hate is only born of fear, of what we have suffered finally consuming us, when we are unable or unwilling to face is and let it change us and our experience and identity; when we decide our own pain is the ultimate, more powerful and valid than any other, and then allow that to make us into the next generation of hate and abuse, instead of a radical, revolutionary generation of generosity, healing, vengeance, justice, and protection of others as we ourselves were failed to be protected.

And I think that is the conduit of this kind of evil that possesses the otherwise normal, compassionate, decent human mind and soul and enables it to create and inflict such horrifying evil unto others.

And what I’m experiencing now, and what others who have experienced (which I had grown to doubt the reality of) as true otherworldly evil, is from the very extreme end of that.

I knew that by coming out on Tuesday—in the radically enraged, loud, public way that I did—would effectively announce publicly that I am the incarnation of every extremist, fascist, abusive trad Catholic and otherwise religious fanatics’ worst nightmare. And I expected to be targeted with utter hate. I dared them to come at me, torches lit. I did it knowingly and purposefully, because people like me will never be welcomed by the church at large unless someone throws a brick through the stained glass and announces we are done wrenching open our hearts in some kind of medieval public confession of our gruesome depravity so we can be judged, vilified, and still condemned as disordered by the average catholic and the magisterium.

I’m done with allowing straight Catholics to continue on unquestioning as to how intrinsically dehumanizing, invasive, violating, and abusive their assumption is that they are able to welcome me and my brothers and sisters, but only if we expose our innermost sacred being to every stranger who demands to know.

And I have come to terms this week with the knowledge that I will be lucky to suvive with mere verbal abuse and harassment and dehumanization for my radical assertion of me being.

But now I’m becoming even more aware that for the rest of my life, I do not have more than today. Hate crimes, lynchings, dismemberment, mutilation, are everyday occurrences for your average quiet queer seeking to merely exist.

And I’ve announced that I’m ready to burn the entire institution of our world and the magisterium of the church to the ground if they don’t get over themselves and learn to radically accept my own existence and stop hating my brothers and sisters, all of them, queer, POC, poor, mentally ill, awkward, autistic, chronically ill…..all the abused and outcast whom Christ specifically came to protect.

I feel like the angel of death, coming to bring the judgement of truth upon the hateful men and women who have blasphemed the sacrifice of Christ.

But the point is…..I now will live the rest of my life knowing I could be hunted down and murdered any day. By those who knew me, knew my father, or simply hate that I have spoken truth to power and am demanding vengeance on this demonic hatred they have inflicted upon the vulnerable since the beginning of time, and that they have allowed it to infect the very deepest core of the faith and radical redemptive death of God.

And I am willing to join him and be a martyr to free him from the shackles of their lies, to begin again the revolution of radical acceptance and love that he came here for in the first place, 2000 years ago.

Because if someone doesn’t, then children like myself will continue to be left, unprotected and traumatized and drowning in terror, until the end of the world.

AND. I. Will. NOT. HAVE. IT.

So I am ready to die tomorrow for this. I am ready to be murdered for this love, and I am ready for the power of my legacy to be that like Joan of Arc, my patron, burned at the stake for witchcraft, for wearing men’s clothing, and for having the audacity to have a radical, personal, transgressive relationship with the divine.

She knew she would be killed for it. Her deepest lifelong terror was of fire, and the archbishop burned her hand. Did you know, during her trial, she rejected her truth? When she was burned, she was overwhelmed by her terror. Denied herself and her God.

But the day after that, she returned to the court, and to their hatred and malice she openly reclaimed her truth. Knowing she would die her most terrifying death, she looked them in the eye and chose it anyway.

And she burned.

I am prepared for my death to be the incendiary catalyst for the winning of this war for the vulnerable, oppressed, disenfranchised, abused, enslaved, and unwanted. I know now, I was born for this. This is my vocation.

So, this is my request to you, beloved friend, as I sit here, in peace, for the first time in my life ready to die, but truly wanting to live: if and when they come for me and burn me in the streets, do not let my sacrifice be in vain.

Tell them I knew they were coming for my life and I audaciously, wrathfully welcome their hate. I know they will be punished for it when they face justice in the purgative hell of my god, and on the last day, when they have been cleansed as I was cleansed this week spiritually, and perhaps next physically, in fire and death….I await their rebirth as they were meant to be, and I will wait for them in the fire of my VENGEANCE and my love in heaven.

And, as I sit here, weeping softly, prepared for my fate whatever it may be—finally, radically aware of my existence, in all of my audacious honesty and transgressive demands for the right to exist—I tell you again: this is what I was born to do. I know thar in my existence Christ lives on as priest, prophet, and king. And I know that come what may, I have friends, I have you, who have chosen freely to stand behind me, protect me, and love me radically until my death, and then share my life with the world so that my legacy may not die with me.

Thank you for sitting with me tonight, my love. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for being my ally, my protector, and my beloved friend.

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