Things I Have Been Asked in the Shower

My husband loves to take showers. No matter what the problem is, he is convinced that a hot shower will fix it. For years, I wrote it off as a weird personality quirk, and for years he tried to convince me of the healing power of a hot shower. It wasn’t until recently, though, that I realized exactly why our experience of showering has been so different.

When the Ogre gets in the shower, no one follows him. No one walks in ten times to ask him a series of increasingly absurd questions. When he showers, he just…showers.

And so I have started keeping a record of things I have been asked in the shower, so that the next time he tries to tell me that my stress level will be rectified by a “long, hot shower”, I can pull out this list and say, “really? Really?!”

Things I Have Been Asked in the Shower

• “Mom, did you know I can crack my knuckles five different ways?”
• “Do you want to see them?”
• “Mom, will I ever grow a penis?”
• “Mom, you know how the Gremlins have babies when they get wet? Is that what happened to you?”
• “Do you think that turkey you bought last week is still good?”
• “Can you smell it and see?”
• “Mom, what happens if we stick a fork in the toaster?”
• “What if we already did it?”
• “Mom, is your tummy going to be that fat forever?”
• “Mom, how far away is Alabama?”
• “Mom, can you get this booger out of my nose?”
• “Mom, will it hurt when the baby is born?”
• “Will it hurt so bad that you die?”
• “Mom, why is the timer going off?”
• “Mom, did you know that if Folly has babies she can have 8? I know that because I counted her nibbles. You know, those nurse things?”
• “Mom, for Christmas can we get another dog instead of another baby?”
• “Mom, I got this bowl of ice cream for you. Do you want to eat it now?”
• “Then can I eat it?”
• “Mom, would you be mad if I told you that I accidentally let Folly out?”
• “How mad?”
• “What if I told you Sienna went out to keep her from getting eaten by the alligators?”
• “Mom, do you know that you still have shampoo in your hair?”
• “MOMMY WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?!”

I rest my case.