Divorce & Facebook.

Divorce. Facebook.It. Is. So. Hard.Both of them. Heinous.It takes a long time.It takes a long time to calm your mind about what others are thinking YOU should do about YOUR life...as if it's not yours, but their -limited- opinions that matter more than your own.It takes a long time to go through your profile photos to delete pictures of you & the ex.  Let alone whole entire albums of family vacations & the like.It takes a long time to finish paying for the divorce lawyer, the custody battle.It takes a long time to make your private Facebook page actually private to non-friends.It takes a long time to figure out who should be your Facebook friend, after a divorce. Because, people take sides. Because, custody battles mean privacy is necessary. Because, divorce makes you paranoid.It takes a long time to not feel stabbed in the gut by everything that happened in long, first marriage but you're so glad your free from it. Because, necessary.It … [Read more...]

In Which I Pare Things Down

When my ex & I separated, I took so few things. I didn't want a lot from that house, honestly. Over the years, I'd become completely overwhelmed with more than a decade of pat-rack accumulation. There was so much.So much stuff. The mess of that house was the face of our despair. I took my books & my clothes and not much else but a fake plant. Not a coffee table, not a sheet set. Not a couch.  Not a fork, not a cup, not a pot to piss or cook in. I started my life post-separation in a mostly empty apartment of which I was incredibly grateful. The emptiness, a reminder of the freedom from all sorts of messes I'd been eager to escape.It became very apparent, very quickly the one thing I had too much of, the one thing that could make even a mostly empty apartment seem downright filled to capacity was the ridiculous amount of clothes in my closet. And on the floor of the closet. And next to the bed. And on the floor of the laundry room. And everywhere.Still. I couldn't … [Read more...]

I Am at Peace

After years & yearsof angst & soul crushing sorrow,I am at peace.What I've been through to get here......seems downright unmentionable.Peace born from resolve,is greater than happiness.But also, surprisingly there’s happiness too!I am so in love with my husband.My boys are priceless, rowdy treasures.And the joy of a bonus daughter?What four on earth could be more beautiful?I'd give them the sun, moon, stars & the ocean,each & every one.There’s something different about this love I’m receiving,this love I’m giving...its overflowing & going outwildly.I'm softening to enemies,previous abusersand just regular old shitty, inconsistent friends.This love is overflowing & going outwildly.I’m learning to practice this: love anyway.I’m rejecting petty,because, God’s daughter.I’m longing for peace & reconciliation,in new, in confusing ways.I don’t know the “how” just yet,let me live,let me learn. … [Read more...]

Lost

October is pregnancy & infant loss awareness month. Today, I'm sharing over at RaisingMothers.com about the ones I've lost.:::::When I was younger, I was a big ball of happy, jumbled emotions when my ex & I decided to try for our first child. This unknown, unmade hypothetical baby was something I’d wanted since forever. We were married for 4 years and I begged him to start trying from the morning after the wedding. I had deeply & desperately longed for a baby since I was 14 when my completely obnoxious & raging maternal instinct kicked in. In fact, so strong were my desires for motherhood that I’d actually convinced my high school boyfriend that we should try for a baby.  And we did! At 15! Lord Jesus & Father in Heaven thank you that that didn’t happen.Many years later, my ex & I married young. At 23, I was a new wife. Now that I felt the security of a stable home and an adoring, gainfully employed husband I was ready to procreate. My ex, however, was no … [Read more...]

Besties Until 3004

The other night, one of the great loves of my life came over for a "sleepover." The last sleepover we had was in the late 90's so this isn't our regular practice.  We've both had a busy 15 yrs. or so.  Stef & I became fast friends in junior high and we've been "besties until 3004"  --our signature slogan-- ever since. Our mid 20's/early 30's did us in a bit: she went hard into her studies, medical school, residency & building her career as a very successful Doctor. I went hard into marriage, building my career, popping out a couple of kids and then a divorce.We were in different parts of the same state, but we may as well have been across the country...a good decade came and went that we didn't darken one anothers door step. Some where along the line each of us believed the other was 'ready to move on' and was no longer interested in pursuing a friendship with the other.  Was it besties until 3004 or 2004? Problem was, our self-told narratives couldn't have been further fro … [Read more...]

The Science of Discontent

A few days ago, my new husband released his 2nd collection of poetry, essays & articles called The Science of Discontent. I bought his first offering, Like Hitchhiking in Space within days of first meeting him over the phone.  What better way to get to know a dating partner than to read their deepest pontifications? Seriously. It was like the equivalent of 10 date conversations. Dating a published author is pure jackpot.That first book was several hundred pieces he'd been working on from 2000-2006ish. Okay, I'll admit it was a bit jarring at first to read his love poems for his previous significant relationships and first marriage. Once I pulled myself together on that, I was able to really enter in to the stories of who he is, how he grew up, love lost, mistakes made, knowledge gained, faith embraced. Mostly, I found myself in awe of what a beautiful poet he is, but I also knew very clearly: this man will understand me.Last night, I started the newest collection.  Like the … [Read more...]

25 Days of Core Desired Feelings

Last July I bought my husband a Danielle LaPorte Desire Map Journal. I knew he'd love it. (He does). The thing is, the 2015 journals were limited edition and 50% off, so I did what every good wife would do: I bought myself the same one so we could 'discuss,' of course.This journal is hella dope and it's been incredibly transformational for me this summer. The premise is that instead of chasing daily/weekly or monthly goals we should chase feelings. Particularly, the core desired feelings you hope to experience when you get what you want. By identifying these core desired feelings it provides a potent form of clarity and by generating them, powerfully creative momentum in your life. This takes practice. Daily.On the 1st day, I identified my core desired feelings as: gratitude, peace, worth & love. That list felt so complete. How could I possibly wake up on any day & desire anything else?I identified my 6 major intentions for the rest of 2015 as:Finish writing a … [Read more...]

Her Life Matters

This morning I dropped my youngest son off at Kindergarten for his first day.  Like me, a lot of parents were huddled around doting on their little munchkins off to face this new transition.As we waited in line, I knelt down to rest and he burrowed up on my back, playing with dangly earrings.From this low vantage point, I noticed a little African-American girl in another line, alone, crying.I peeled my son off me & went over to her.  Her teacher looked at me suspiciously.  I told her I'd noticed her crying and had come to check on her.She said, "don't worry about her, she'll be fine."I'm not okay with that. It wouldn't be okay to ignore a crying child who is alone under any circumstances, but I definitely wasn't okay with a white woman telling someone not to worry about a small black child alone and crying.  Given every single hardship a typical black child has to face before the age of 13, it is without mercy to meet a simple need.I don't presuppose to know … [Read more...]

On Fear

This morning I woke up afraid. There was a bit of a thunderstorm and the slow rumble while I slept jerked me awake in fear of an earthquake.  Earthquakes are incredibly rare where I live but the accompanying fear was now present despite its unrealistic origin. Instead of being able to roll over and go back to sleep the fear latched on to other things, as it almost always does because gripping fear is a miserable shrew.I wanted to hold my husband, desperate to be covered by him like a Mama bird engulfing her chick in her wings. I find complete safety in his embrace, particularly in the morning, providing me that extra courage typical from intimate human connection. But he’s not here this morning and I feel the loss of his physical presence acutely.  In the very next moment, I’m overcome with gratitude for his friendship and I know in the next few days he’ll be home. My love will be home and my anticipation momentarily calms.Yet, the fear of my waking moments coupled with overwhe … [Read more...]

Things Are Changing

Things are changing. I'm so grateful, Good Lawd, God Almighty in heaven, I am so grateful. So. So. Grateful.I'm in reinvention: the absolute necessity to start again, the demand for change before rock-bottom meets certain death, the soul crying out for hope begging you to not to give up on your life type of reinvention. I'm in the latter half I believe. I'm through the hardest part. I'm peeking out now at the horizon seeing it's beauty, awestruck.The valley part, the low part, it's still dark there. I've had more than one ugly cry over the scariness of reinvention and the losses that crystallize. My job, for example, is the first career-oriented position in for-profit work I've had in 15 years. Career-wise, I had no choice but to reinvent.What is 2nd marriage if NOT the opportunity to reinvent the asshattery you brought to the 1st one? If I do nothing different in my 2nd marriage I have not evolved I've merely added a new spinning plate.  And my new husband is anything but … [Read more...]