My phone has been ringing off the hook lately. It’s the same folks calling everyday. No. It’s not telemarketers. It’s my children. They all want to know the same thing: What should I get Dad for Christmas?
I give them all the same answer: Do NOT buy him any more clothes. We don’t have the closet space for it.
They whine and moan and stomp their feet. But Mom, what should I get him then?
And once more I tell them all the same thing: A gift card for Home Depot.
Then they repeat the steps above all over again, while adding: That’s a gift for YOU not for Dad.
Same difference, I note.
Three years ago Poe dug a hole in the linoleum in the dining room. Tim said he would replace the floor. I’m still waiting. That darn Poe.
But while we are on the subject of gifts, I thought I would make some recommendations in case you were wondering what to buy for some of these folks:
– Michelle Obama. Does the girl own a dress with sleeves in it? I know she has great arms but I still think in 10 years that sleeveless look of hers is going to look as hideous as Hilary Clinton’s bad Christmas sweaters. Somebody get that gal a shrug at least.
– Sarah Palin. Duct Tape. I can think of 50 Ways to put it to good use in the Palin household.
– Speaking of the Palins, somebody ought to buy Joe McGinniss a ladder. He’s the writer living in the house next-door while he writes an expose on Palin.
– Kim Kardishian. A membership to Match.com. I hear she’s on the hunt for a husband.
– Speaker of the House John Boehner. A year’s supply of Kleenexes. He says speaking to elementary school kids makes him weep. Wait until he gets a load of Congress.– Nancy Pelosi. The woman has the money of God. She can buy her own gift.
– Miley Cyrus. Might as well go ahead and pay for the year of rehab now. You know the way she’s headed she’s going to need it.
– Tiger Woods. A eight-week visit to a monastery in Thailand. Tiger needs to reconnect with his roots, or grow some.
– Oprah. Would somebody buy that woman the New King James Version of the Bible? The one she’s been using all these years was written by a ghostwriter who got the characters all messed up.
– Barbara Walters. Knitting needles. The extra-large sized ones please. It’s going to take needles that big to deflate that woman’s ego.
– Justin Bieber. Where does one go to purchase a history worthy of this much media play? He’s writing books and songs about a life he hasn’t yet lived.
– Glen Beck. A one-way no-return ticket to Nickumaroro. I hate saddling poor Amelia Earhart with Beck but, hopefully, she can find a way to tune him out.
– Kate Gosselin. A year’s worth of early childhood education and parenting classes. Consider it a gift to her children as well.
– Obama. A wallet-sized copy of his birth certificate. I bought one of those for my daughter years ago. They are issued by the state and are about has handy as a green card when in the presence of all those naysayers.
– Joel Osteen. More air time? A copy of Double-wide?
– Prince William and Kate Middleton. A happy ever-after. Just what every good prince and his bride deserve.
– For all our servicemen and women, Peace on Earth.
If there’s anyone else on the list I’ve left off, please feel free to make your own recommendations here.