My recommended shopping list

My phone has been ringing off the hook lately. It’s the same folks calling everyday. No. It’s not telemarketers. It’s my children. They all want to know the same thing: What should I get Dad for Christmas?

I give them all the same answer: Do NOT buy him any more clothes. We don’t have the closet space for it.

They whine and moan and stomp their feet. But Mom, what should I get him then?

And once more I tell them all the same thing: A gift card for Home Depot.

Then they repeat the steps above all over again, while adding: That’s a gift for YOU not for Dad.

Same difference, I note.

Three years ago Poe dug a hole in the linoleum in the dining room. Tim said he would replace the floor. I’m still waiting. That darn Poe.

But while we are on the subject of gifts, I thought I would make some recommendations in case you were wondering what to buy for some of these folks:

- Michelle Obama. Does the girl own a dress with sleeves in it? I know she has great arms but I still think in 10 years that sleeveless look of hers is going to look as hideous as Hilary Clinton’s bad Christmas sweaters. Somebody get that gal a shrug at least.

- Sarah Palin. Duct Tape. I can think of 50 Ways to put it to good use in the Palin household.

- Speaking of the Palins, somebody ought to buy Joe McGinniss a ladder. He’s the writer living in the house next-door while he writes an expose on Palin.

- Kim Kardishian. A membership to Match.com. I hear she’s on the hunt for a husband.

- Speaker of the House John Boehner.  A year’s supply of Kleenexes. He says speaking to elementary school kids makes him weep. Wait until he gets a load of Congress.

- Nancy Pelosi. The woman has the money of God. She can buy her own gift.

- Miley Cyrus. Might as well go ahead and pay for the year of rehab now. You know the way she’s headed she’s going to need it.

- Tiger Woods. A eight-week visit to a monastery in Thailand. Tiger needs to reconnect with his roots, or grow some.

- Oprah. Would somebody buy that woman the New King James Version of the Bible? The one she’s been using all these years was written by a ghostwriter who got the characters all messed up.

- Barbara Walters. Knitting needles. The extra-large sized ones please. It’s going to take needles that big to deflate that woman’s ego.

- Justin Bieber. Where does one go to purchase a history worthy of this much media play? He’s writing books and songs about a life he hasn’t yet lived.

- Glen Beck. A one-way no-return ticket to Nickumaroro. I hate saddling poor Amelia Earhart with Beck but, hopefully, she can find a way to tune him out.

- Kate Gosselin. A year’s worth of early childhood education and parenting classes. Consider it a gift to her children as well.

- Obama. A wallet-sized copy of his birth certificate. I bought one of those for my daughter years ago. They are issued by the state and are about has handy as a green card when in the presence of all those naysayers.

- Joel Osteen. More air time? A copy of Double-wide?

- Prince William and Kate Middleton. A happy ever-after. Just what every good prince and his bride deserve.

- For all our servicemen and women, Peace on Earth.

If there’s anyone else on the list I’ve left off, please feel free to make your own recommendations here.

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About Karen Spears Zacharias

Author. Speaker. Journalism Instructor. Four kids. Three dogs. One grandson.

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  • http://brokentelegraph.com Ian Ebright

    This was hilarious, Karen. Can we also buy Palin a new editor for her Alaska show? There must be someone in Tinseltown who can cut that footage to make the outings seem less staged and the family less cold.

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  • Steve Taylor

    Wish we could buy Peace on Earth. Apparently, we only get this one by living it. Praying it so for all of us.