Feminism AND Motherhood

Fellow blogger Shadowspring has discussed on her blog her experience of being essentially abandoned as a child by her mother, who used feminism to denigrate motherhood and treated her children as a unwanted burden. I think I had the opposite experience. Because my mother made motherhood her entire identity, giving up completely any independent life she might have had, I experience guilt when I think about how much I have disappointed her through my choices. I feel like my failure (in her eyes, at least) has invalidated her life, because being a proper stay-at-home-mother is her life. Just like Shadowspring lived with serious rejection, I have lived with serious guilt. I think what you have here are two extremes that mothers can take, and neither is healthy.

My mother has her outlets here and there, but she has shaped her entire identity around her role as wife and mother in pursuing the ideal of Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull. It is who she is. She believes that it is her god-given role to spend her life raising us, homeschooling us, shaping us, so that we can go out into the world and retake it for Christ, and that is what she has done for two and a half decades. Being a mother is who she is.

And so, when I disappoint my mother, I feel guilt. When I go in a direction different from what she wants for me, I feel like I invalidate her life, because, motherhood was and is her life. She sacrificed for us children in numerous ways, often doing things she didn’t want to do because she believed that this was what she was meant to be. She made her life about us. The guilt I feel when I disappoint her, after all she sacrificed to raise me, is palpable. And it’s not easy to shake, either. I feel like she gave up everything – everything – for me, and I threw it all back in her face.

Interestingly enough, in previous historical eras it wasn’t like this. Women were mothers, yes, but that was never their entire identity. As historian Julie Grant explains, “For sixteenth- and seventeenth-century colonial American women, child rearing was only one of a multitude of tasks shared by neighbors and kin.” Even as they raised large numbers of children, women worked in shops alongside their husbands, in the fields on the family farm, and in the home sewing, preparing food, washing, and caring for the sick. Even when the nineteenth century separated work from the home for many families, sending the father off to the office or the factory, the wife did far more than simply raise children. Many women took in extra work, supplementing the family income with laundry or sewing. Others threw themselves into reform issues, working with other women to close saloons and improve conditions in the slums. For those who did neither, simply running a house in the nineteenth century, with no running water or electricity, remained an absorbing task.

During this whole time children fit into their parents lives rather than the parents shaping their lives around the children. Children played on their own while their mothers churned butter and made soap, or sat beside their mothers and helped make paper flowers to sell. Rather than completely disrupting them, the child fit neatly into his parents’ lives. This changed with the development of the child centered family. The child centered family had its beginnings among the middle class in the nineteenth century and from there grew and spread to the rest of society. In the late nineteenth and early twentieth century, children were increasingly barred from the workforce and school attendance became compulsory. Families had fewer children but at the same time invested more into raising them. When a growing number of middle class women moved to the suburbs in the 1950s and made being a wife and mother the whole of their identities, this new phenomenon of the child centered family, where the parents, and especially the mothers, remade their entire lives around their children and their children’s needs, hit its zenith.

Second wave feminism emerged in reaction to the suffocation many women felt in the 1950s as they found that making motherhood the sole of their identities was not all that they were told it would be. Sometimes, in their zeal to fix the problems of the fifties, second wave feminists went too far and treated motherhood and housework as the problem. Others, though, did not see a contradiction between motherhood and feminism. Some argued that housework and motherhood should be seen as labor and valued as an economic contribution. Others embraced “woman power” and saw women’s ability to procreate as central to their beings. Still others embraced breastfeeding and midwifery, seeking to dethrone male child-rearing experts and elevate women’s knowledge and intuition in pregnancy and child rearing. Today’s third wave feminists generally embrace female choice, whether that choice is to be a stay at home mother, to be a childless career woman, or to have both a job and children. Feminism is simultaneously about expanding women’s choices and reminding women not to sublimate themselves and their own fulfillment to the expectations that surround them.

But how does this relate to how I started this post, you may ask? Well, Shadowspring’s mother put herself and her personal needs ahead of everything else to the extent that she made her own children feel unwanted. In contrast, my mother, just like many other mothers who embrace the Quiverfull idea, sublimated herself and her personal needs to the extent that her entire identity revolved around her role as wife and mother. Interestingly, both of these extremes are particularly modern, rather than historical, problems. And as should be apparent by now, neither extreme is healthy for either the children, or, I would argue, the mother. No mother should embrace her own fulfillment to the extent that she forgets about or resents her children, and no mother should embrace her own children to the extent that she forgets about her own fulfillment and personhood.

Thus I would argue that to achieve any sort of healthy balance any woman who chooses to have children needs to throw herself into both motherhood and feminism – embracing her children and their needs, and, at the same time, herself and her needs. These two are by no means contradictory, either today or in the past. And that is why I confidently declare that I am a feminist and a mother, and I take pride in both.

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About Libby Anne

Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the "purity culture," the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.

  • Anonymous

    My best friend, whose parents were biologically unable to conceive children, adopted him and only him. His mother had made motherhood her entire identity, and when he came out, she was convinced she had failed at life. This is too a form of emotional control, and my best friend now feels that he is the one who made his mother a failure.So much of the feminism that I grew up was imbued with the understanding that to improve the lives of women is to improve the lives of children. The idea that there might have been any kind of conflict between feminism and motherhood is hard for me to wrap my head around.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15654013636892916062 Erika Martin – Stampin’ Mama

    This is a beautiful look at what balance can be for both. I, too, am proud to be a mother and a feminist.

  • http://www.ayoungmomsmusings.blogspot.com Young Mom

    I have this same struggle. My mom is nothing more than a mom, she has hardly any interests or outlets and when I was living at home she had none. You end up feeling resposible for your mothers emotions and dreams. Also even though in the QF/P mindset "children are a blessing" and like the whole point of being a woman, I remember that I often felt as though we children were such a problem for my mother, if only we were better, smarter, harder working, then she wouldn't be so tired and depressed. I felt and still feel a huge responsibilty to "make my mom" happy somehow.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16232186225573312896 Incongruous Circumspection

    Very well written. It is an honor to be among such well read company. Your argument was solid and hole-less.And, as has worked before, *waves hand of absolution, you are not free of all your guilt.Now, the male gender needs to get their act together and strive for equality with women – the ability to stay home and be a dad, without getting paid. When that is not looked down upon, we just may have arrived.

  • Jackie

    I googled something having not much to do with this article and ran across this page. I read about half of your article before I had to stop because I just feel like just because your mom decided to dedicate her life to raising her children and not having any other identity than being a wife and mother doesn’t mean you should feel guilty for not living the way she wants. That was her choice to live her life that way. You have no reason for feeling guilty for doing what you want. You saying that she did things that she doesn’t want…how often was she doing things she doesn’t want? If she was doing more things that she doesn’t want than the things that she does want, was she living a lie? I just can not wrap my brain around this at all! If I was your mom’s daughter I would ask her if she really lived the life that she wanted now that she looks back on it? I would ask her if she could dig down really deep and get real with herself and be truthful if she feels like she made the best use of her life? I mean basically tell her to be selfish for just one moment in her life, quit thinking about other people, now tell me, did you live your life how YOU wanted??? I can’t even believe it but I am pretty much angry right now.

    • Paula G V aka Yukimi

      If you read some more of certain entries of this blog you are going to be fuming them… which of course I encourage you to do because this blog is really interesting and if you don’t know much about CP/QF you are going to feel you’ve travelled to an alternative dimension. I was linked here by a twit of a LGBT youtubber soem motnhs ago and I was completely glued to the computer until I’ve read the entire blog. I hope you enjoy it if you continue reading.