Thirsting for God

I’ve read a few different things lately on the topic of thirsting for God. One woman asked herself if she truly thirsted for God, or if she was finding herself pretty happy without Him, bored with what He had to offer. Another asked if we tend to fill up on other things instead God, do we really allow Him to quench our thirst.

It’s an interesting question for me, because I feel as though I do thirst for God. I feel dry, parched. Like I’ve been away from God for a long long time. I do long for God. I long to discover a different God then the fundamentalist, angry, God. Growing up I never felt as though I was enough for my parents. And now I still find myself struggling to feel good enough for God. I do not feel as though God could care for me, be concerned for me, love me. I know God’s love is supposed to be unconditional, I just haven’t experienced it that way. The closest I have ever come to experiencing unconditional love, is the love from my husband.

I have gone through fazes of not talking to God, and not reading my bible, But lately I’ve been making an effort again. As the minister’s wife I go to church twice a week and bible study mid-week. I read a few verses of my bible almost daily. I pray. I read up on God because I want to find out more about Him. I don’t think I am bored with what God has to offer, more like confused, and maybe afraid.

For every wonderful new discovery of bible verses that talk about the depths of God’s love, there seems to be another verse laughing at me, taunting me with God’s hatred. For every amazing section of the catechism that seems to rip the scales from my eyes, there are overwhelmingly cold statements that crush hope.

We have a house visit from the church Elders every year. They ask how we are doing spiritually, whether or not we are doing devotions. It feels superficial. I could never open my mouth and say that some days I wonder if God even exists. They say that the church cares about us, but it feels like a joke. Like they are saying “we love you unconditionally, just keep performing well.” Sometimes I feel like that is how God loves. “I love you unconditionally, but do what I say.”

One time I got a thank you note from the denomination thanking me for supporting my husband in ministry. It made me so angry when I read the pre-printed note with the stamped signature. How dare they send out 1000’s of these notes, expecting them to be encouraging somehow. When they have zero concept of my life and my faith? Sometimes I feel like that is how God loves, he sends generic notes with a “Love from God” stamp at the bottom. The note says something like “Thank you so much for following God, I love and appreciate your support.”

How does God love?

Does he really care? If He really loved everyone, wouldn’t He make Himself more obvious, so that everyone could feel His love? I know, I know, my Dad always told me that if God stopped loving me I would stop breathing. And yes, I see all the incredible blessings in my life. But I don’t feel a connection with God’s love. It feels empty. I feel guilty and unappreciative because I don’t feel His love like I’m supposed too. And I am so afraid that God is going to take away the people who matter the most in my life to “get me to the end of myself” and “draw me closer to Him”.