“Are you happy mom?” says my four year old. She’s been asking me this question almost every day lately, and it scares me.
It’s not that I’m super unhappy. The weather has been beautiful. I’ve been reading poetry with my girls, and baking cookies and muffins together. We went to the zoo yesterday, and had so much fun looking at all the brand new spring baby animals everywhere.
But since the birth of Baby Boy, I’ve been a bit more anxious then usual. I’ve had too many nights where I struggle to fall asleep even though I am desperately tired. And too many days where I have a hard time coming up with a reason to take care of myself.
I’ve smiled. I’ve fed my children all their meals and snacks. I’ve given hugs and snuggles. But I’ve also had days where I wanted to disappear into the closet and shut the door. Or moments when I couldn’t keep back the tears.
Old lies creep into my head.
Ugly and fat and awkward. Failure and worthlessness. Stupid. Never good enough.
And it scares me. This last year has been the happiest of my life, but that doesn’t completely drown out the memory of the months of Post Partum Depression after Ms Pooky’s birth.
Is it just the normal mood swings and hormonal fluctuation after birth? Or is Post Partum Depression setting in? Is Ms Action asking if I am happy because she is worried that I am not? Are my emotions already affecting her? What is this year going to bring? What is tomorrow going to bring? What is today going to bring?