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2011 feels like a long year that went by really fast.
So much happened last year, and some of it was scary. I spent several months feeling my faith slip through my fingers even as I tried to hang on by my fingernails, and I finally stopped struggling and allowed myself to think about life without all the answers. This was a anonymous blog where I felt safe to ask scary questions and process thoughts, and this year my blog was discovered and now I am no longer completely anonymous, this meant that my faith struggle and questions were exposed to people I had not previously felt safe to share fully with, and that has had mixed results. Some people accepting me regardless, and some becoming very angry and feeling betrayed.
Many good things happened too. My depression faded into the background, I found myself for the first time in a long time having more good days than bad days. I had my precious Baby Boy in May, and I can hardly believe he is already 8 months old and crawling at light speed. His birth was so peaceful, and in the months following I had mild ups and downs instead of the crippling Post Partum depression I had experienced with previous births. I started to feel confident for the first time in our choice to not spank our children, and I found new books and ideas on gentle discipline. I finally began counselling, and started un-wrapping the onion of my dormant soul.
Looking into the year of 2012, I do not feel courageous. I do not feel brave. I most definitely feel afraid. Afraid of what? Sometimes I hardly know. Perhaps it’s the unknown, or the changes that could happen during this year. I like security, I like feeling like I know what will happen today, tomorrow and the next day. So having a whole year worth of days yet to be lived stretching out in front of me is daunting. And again, I have to face the fact that I do not know what each day brings, and again come to the realization that I cannot control anyone but myself.
And instead of being anxious, or frustrated, because of the unknown of this year, I find myself wanting to let go. To let go and embrace life with open arms as it comes my way. Accept myself and my circumstances, whatever they may be. Embrace my children fully for exactly who they are. Accept the known and the unknown. To live life as who I am and let go of the things I cannot change. Accept others where they are at, whether they can offer me acceptance or not.