You are You (And that’s Beautiful)

We had just moved to a new state, and a new city. Haley had been officially living as herself and presenting as female full-time for only a few days. We made the chilly trek with the kids out to the store to pick out cell phones and sign up for a plan.

The person helping us was polite and sweet. He had long dark hair and a delicate face, after we clarified who was Melissa and who was Haley, he put out his hand and said brightly “So nice to meet you! My name is..” and then stuttered and seemed to glance down at the nametag attached to his shirt, finishing quietly “… John.”  We got our phones, and left the shop, but both Haley and I had noticed the weird slip around the name, and wondered if there was more to the story.

Months later I was on the closing shift at work. A tall woman with long dark hair and a delicate face came in. She didn’t recognize me, but I knew her instantly. She seemed more confident than the last time I had seen her, and later as I walked past her table where she was sitting with her friends, I heard one of them call her “Jane”. I wondered if she still worked at the cell phone store. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I was happy to see her. But I didn’t want to be weird.

 

He comes in to the shop with his small daughter on a fairly regular basis. He is short, wears a cap, and has a scruffy red beard. She shrieks with laughter when he makes silly faces for her, sings her ABCs loudly, and picks all the blueberries out of her muffin and eats them, leaving a plate full of crumbs. I wouldn’t know there is anything different about them, except the little girl still calls her daddy mom sometimes. And I remember those days where our kids still called Haley Daddy, and people would stare.

I want to tell them “I see you, and you are beautiful.”

 

Her hair is still short, but her gray dress and polka dotted tights are impeccable. A smile comes to my face as soon as I see her, she gives me an odd nervous look, and I look away, hoping that she didn’t think I was laughing at her, because sometimes people do that.

I want to tell her I remember those early days, Haley messing with her hair again and again. Asking if her outfit looks okay, stressing about going out in public and being so vulnerable.  Hearing the store clerk call her “sir” and seeing her face fall. Having to listen to her wonder what it was that gave her away as being new to living as a girl.

And there were days I was tired of hearing it, and told her to stop worrying about how she looked. And there were other days that I would hug her and say “I see you Haley, and you are beautiful.”

So now when I see them, sometimes alone, sometimes surrounded by friends, I want to tell them, “Some days it takes incredible bravery just to get dressed and leave the house.  Just know, that some people see you, are proud of you, and know you are beautiful.”

But I don’t always know how to say it.

So I say it here.

You are beautiful.

  • jen

    THIS.

  • Apostate

    You go, Haley.

  • http://www.coffeestainedclarity.com/ Bethany Bassett

    Beautiful.

  • Little_Magpie

    thank you, Melissa.

  • OrthogonalInfidel

    I don’t have the words…beautiful…

  • Laura Turner

    Such a beautiful post, Melissa. You see with the most loving of eyes! I’ve wanted to write you for the past year, and one day I will take the time to explain just what a positive impact your story has had on changing my views. You have blessed my life more than you can know. One day I will write more. Blessings to you and Haley and your kids.

  • Malissa

    I see you, and you are a truly beautiful soul, Melissa. :)
    I found your blog after watch 19 Kids & Courting(the Duggars show)…my disagreeing and curiosity had me googling, which lead to your blog. I read your Courtship Story first and then your big Secret and then everything else. You have an amazing way of writing that’s concise and analytical, yet so incredibly heartwarming and inspiring. The way you and Haley have navigated through all the twists and turns in your lives, together and before so, is awe-inspiring.
    My parents divorced when I was 6 yrs old. At 13yrs old, my mom and her girlfriend of 2yrs came out to me and my sisters. I had an idea that they were more than friends, but more than the fear of being treated differently in school or any of the usual social concerns in the 90s, I felt betrayed that my mom hadn’t trusted me with such an important part of herself. And if she was so afraid to come out, how long had she been a lesbian? Did she not love my father? Did she not want me and my sisters? Did she only marry and have kids because it was what she felt she was supposed to do? Because she kept it from me, I felt like I wasn’t part of her ‘new’ life; that I was a product of a life that she hadn’t wanted or felt forced into. After many discussions, I learned that my mom isn’t lesbian—she’s more bisexual, or someone who loves another for who they are on the inside regardless male, female, transgender, transexual. And that she loved my father, but couldn’t make the marriage work. And the next person she fell in love with just happened to be a woman. I still had that lingering feeling of betrayal for a few months, but I got over it and my step-mom quickly became one of my best friends. They’ve been happily together for 15+ yrs now. So I know not everyone feels the same, and our stories are different, but I 100% agree with you and Haley’s decisions to transition sooner rather than later and being as forthcoming with your kids as possible. You’re simply ensuring your kids will be as beautiful and as accepting as you. So just want you to know your stories touch me, and I love your family and wish you all nothing but happiness. :)

    • Melissa_PermissionToLive

      Thank you.


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