Listening for That of God in My Son, Even When We Disagree

“You wouldn’t disown me or anything if I joined a fraternity, right?” my son, a college sophomore, called to ask.

“I wouldn’t disown you, but I sure would wonder how that came to seem like a good idea.”

“Okay, cool. Here’s what’s going on ……”

My kind, feminist, pacifist son is considering joining a fraternity. The miracle here is that he wanted to talk to me about it.  He knows that I am deeply opposed to gender-excluding social circles of any kind, especially the type that is known for objectifying women and worse. But he still wanted to talk to his humorless, feminist, Quaker mother. He trusted that I would hear and speak to that of God in him.

How can joining a fraternity be a God issue? Well, everything can be a God issue, but in this case, my son sees a fraternity as a guaranteed way to avoid social isolation. He understands himself well enough to know that he tends to isolate, and it isn’t a good thing for him. In truth, it can be a really bad thing. While joining a fraternity could solve the isolation problem, could it be really be in line with his values? So we talked.

First I had to actively put aside my reactions to the idea of him in a fraternity. (What a preposterous idea! Willingly becoming part of an elitist, misogynist system and paying for the privilege! He’s kidding, right?) Instead, I had to think about how I wanted to respond to my son, this perfect piece of God’s work that I have the privilege of parenting.

I needed to get centered (and fast!) so I could listen to that of God in me and hear that of God in my son. I needed to be humble in the face of his willingness and desire to tease out this situation with me. I had to have faith that we would find and walk a good path together.

I listened without interrupting or judging as he explained why he liked the idea. He analyzed the pros and cons; will a fraternity be a source of good things? He did an economic evaluation; is this how he wants to use money, especially his money? We considered alternative ways to make sure he doesn’t isolate that don’t bring the baggage of the Greek system. What else might he gain from this group? What might they require of him? We let silences grow. I accepted his perspectives without getting defensive, and I complimented him on his thoughtful consideration of this issue.

We celebrated that there is a group he likes that might want him as a member and that this group is known as the non-fraternity. He reflected on the social group he has enjoyed at our annual Quaker gathering called Yearly Meeting and what he enjoys about that group – including being able to step away from the group for an afternoon. He gathered some questions to pursue, named some people he wants to talk to, and I thanked him for the chance to talk with him about this matter.

“Love you, Mom. Thanks.” The call was over, and we were a little closer.

I don’t know what my son will decide if he is offered a bid, and I would be foolish to hazard a guess. The result probably doesn’t matter in the long run, but what does matter is that we will be able to talk about the results of this decision with no recriminations.  We did the best we could with what we had.

When the best in me searches out and listens to the best in him, we set the stage for talking about other decisions that matter. This is the crucial for parents, especially parents of teens and young adults. If we want to continue to be part of our children’s lives and to have any influence at all, we must have their trust and we must be a safe place for them to be who they are and to discuss what is on their minds. Bringing our spiritual practice into parenting can remind us of the sacred opportunity we have with our children every day and in every conversation.