Kraft Goes Gay Pride: Protestant Potlucks Hardest Hit

It slipped my notice that Kraft Foods had photoshopped an Oreo with gay-pride colors for an ad.

Thank God it’s not a real cookie; Michael Bloomberg would be so torn! On the one hand, it’s disgusting-looking; it looks like it would throw one into diabetic coma while also causing cancer from the numerous dyes. On the other hand, though, it’s gay pride. How could he not embrace it?

The trials of Nanny Bloomberg: to pander or to police?

Over at the Evangelical portal, Nancy French is wondering how the churches should react:

Well, the choices aren’t really that hard, are they?

After all, no one really likes the people who bring Oreos to the potlucks anyway.

My first thought ran along similar lines. As Catholics don’t really do potlucks (we have our Main Meal at Communion and then curse at each other as we fight to be first out of the parking lot) I thought of the Lutherans and Pot Luck Suppers of Lake Woebegone, and other casserole-friendly churches. Kraft foods is not just Oreos; it’s Cracker Barrel cheese (there goes the cheese tray); it’s Velveeta cheese and Ritz Crackers (goodbye Broccoli-Ritz Cracker Bake); it’s Breakstone Cottage Cheese (my fave) and Cadbury Creme Eggs; it’s Crystal Light and Stove-Top Stuffing, and Honeymaid Graham Crackers and Jell-o.

That’s right — there go your S’mores and those awful Jello Fruit Molds.

So some of you churches-with-potlucks who are contemplating boycotts will find themselves in a Bloomberg dilemma.

To cheese or not to cheese,
that is the question.
Whether ’tis nobler to suffer the slings and arrows
of sodium-swelled ankles
or to take arms against a sea change
of cultural sexual celebration
and by opposing end them.
To sigh; to Ritz-dip no more…
to end the heartache of a thousand
duplicate-tuna-melts that flesh
is heir to;
’tis a consumption devoutly to be wished…

Ah, well, Jesus never served Mac-and-Velveeta with sliced Oscar Mayer weiners, anyway. Who needs it?

There’s always a fish-fry — that’s biblical — or you can dip pita in hummus (yum).

I suggest you do what the Catholics do, when they absolutely must socialize: make a lasagna and a three-layer Mexican Bean dip with extra jalapenos; order a nice hero and a couple of salads from the deli and crack open some wine and beer. If you’re feeling ambitious, bake a few pies or rustle up the original rainbow cookies to munch on while the little girls do the Irish Step Dancing. Then have a raffle.

If you don’t eat jalapenos, drink or raffle stuff off, I don’t know what to tell you…

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About Elizabeth Scalia