How to Tell You’re Dating a Loser…

… There doesn’t seem to be an official Catholic version of a shadchanit, so let me play the un-official version on the internet.

Crescat, at your service.

Today I had an interesting conversation with a young lady that just confirmed I was right in my belief that all single woman should be using a personal match-maker or a least a sane, unbiased third party (be it family or close friend) to help them make sound relationship decisions.

A young woman came to me looking for a house to rent with her boyfriend – her absolute first mistake right there.

Related: Co-habitation is a smack in the face.

She then proceeds to explain to me her “situation” as we start to go over our rental qualifications.

Look, I get that some people have credit blemishes or you got arrested for a little weed in college. It happens. Whenever someone starts off with, “let me explain my situation” half the time it’s usually so minor it doesn’t warrant a long explanation.

And other times… Oh, boy. This is one of those time.

First she wants to know if we require a certain credit score because she’s concerned that her boyfriend doesn’t have good credit. I reassure her that credit isn’t all we look for in an applicant. We also take into consideration if you have stable employment, good income and rental history.

But then she goes on to mention that her boyfriend had a felony drug conviction about 9 years ago.

“Oh, well. Nine years ago”, I shrug.

What about misdemeanor arrests, she asks? Things like assault with a weapon, communicating threats, and a few DUIs?

Uh, wow. OK. How’s his rental and employment history, I ask hopefully? Because really at this point we are just grasping at straws.

She goes on further to describe how he’s unemployed but has a job interview this week and gets disability that will cover the rent. He’s never had a lease in his name because he’s always lived with “someone.” I am willing to bet those “someones” have been witless young girls that didn’t have a Yenta to give them a good slap and tell them to snap out of it.

To end the awkwardness, I finally just gave her my business card and told her to have her boyfriend call me so I could talk with him personally about his “situation” if he had any questions.

That’s when she told me this God’s Gift To Women was sitting outside in the parking lot having a smoke and waiting for her in the car.

Wait? What? He can’t even be bothered to come into the office and handle his own damn business?! It’s was all I could do to restrain myself from giving her the “you got to be shittin’ me” look.

I wanted to take her by the shoulders and violently shake the fog out of head. I wanted to say, “Woman, listen to yourself. Can you hear what you are saying? Do you fathom the type of person you just described to me? And you call this person your boyfriend?”

If only she had someone in her life who could say just that type of thing to her. Someone like, oh I don’t know, a dating coach or match-maker.

I honestly felt really bad for her. Where is her mother or her girlfriends? Shouldn’t they be pointing out the obvious?

Here is some free advice, ladies, if you ever find yourself describing your boyfriend like this to anyone… immediately run. If you find that you are making excuses for his behavior to your family and friends… don’t stop, run.

Just run, run, run. Don’t even go back for that cute little sweater you left in his car. Just consider it collateral damage and be grateful that’s all you lost out of that relationship.

Trust me, on this.