How Suffering Revealed What Was In My Heart

Lord, I wouldn’t allow my child to go through what I am going through. So why have you let me? Why have you stopped answering my prayers? Where are you when I need you the most? Why do I feel so alone? Why has this happened to me?

These were all questions that I asked during some of the darkest moments of my life. I was experiencing chronic sickness which came into my life through pneumonia and being diagnosed with blood cancer. I called this a tsunami, that felt like it was destroying my entire life. My body was broken physically, my mind was awash with anxiety and rumination, I was no longer able to work or do most of my usual activities and even missed church many Sundays. And spiritually I felt dead inside. I was a biopsychosocial-spiritual mess. Each part of me needed attention: body, mind, relationships, and spirit.

Help When Life Hurts

This article is part of a growing collection, drawing from Adrian Warnock’s medical and psychological expertise, lived experience, and Christian faith.

Click the type of pain you or a loved one are experiencing right now

General suffering & disappointment
Financial difficulties
Feeling disqualified
Chronic illness & disability
Divorce & family pain
Depression & mental health
Bereavement & end-of-life

See the full list of over 40 articles

Biologically, I needed medical treatment including chemotherapy and till today I take more pills than I ever thought I would, although the cancer itself is in remission and I do not take anything directly for that. I needed psychological help and I am not ashamed to admit I went to secular counseling. Socially, I know that many of people around me genuinely tried to help, but nothing they said helped the ache inside. It seemed they didn’t understand what was happening to me. How could they when they hadn’t gone through what I was going through? In time I joined support groups for others with blood cancer, and even founded one, blood cancer uncensored. I found them invaluable in addressing that feeling I didn’t fit in any more. Spiritually I asked myself did I really believe the gospel, and among other things spent time listening to hope focussed worship songs.

Like many Christians, I thought I had changed, until suffering revealed how much of the old me remained. When illness and disappointment came crashing into my life, I didn’t respond with peace or patience. I was angry, self-absorbed, and difficult to live with. My confidence cracked, and I could no longer hide behind the language of faith. Suffering unmasked me. It is easy to forget when you are suffering that you are the worst sinner you know.

Christians often talk about trials or tests. But we forget that we are not always going to pass the test. In fact sometimes the whole point is to fail it, receive new grace and learn afresh what Jesus really wants from us.

God’s Amazing Grace was not finished with me

Sometimes our journey with suffering is like what every parent does when teaching their child to walk. You help them to stand, you walk with them holding both their hands, but eventually you have to let go. Often when you do the child falls. They may even hurt themselves a little, although as a good parent you wouldn’t do this on concrete! And when the child falls you pick them up, and encourage them to walk again. None of us would have learnt to walk if someone didn’t go through that process with us. Perhaps, looking back, those times when God seemed far away were not abandonment at all. He had momentarily let go of my hand so I could learn to walk.

But do you notice something in this article to date? There is a whole lot of “I” and “me”. Looking back I am painfully aware that suffering demonstrated that I was still a selfish person. The truth is I wasn’t the only one suffering. And there are many others who suffer far more than I ever have. I could spend a lot of time unpacking that, but I won’t. But to my shame, as I was going through the storms that lasted for many years, I definitely didn’t consider enough the impact these things were having not just on me, but on everyone close to me. I am afraid that my own pain spilled out on others at times.

One of the key transformations Christ asks of us is to become less preoccupied with ourselves and learn, even when we are struggling, to put the needs of others above our own.

Paul expresses this idea very clearly:

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. (Philippians 2:3-4, NLT)

These kinds of painful realizations are one of the things that causes us to grow. But we will only grow if we follow the biblical model. In recent days I have been zooming in on the idea of spiritual transformation. This is not a new topic for me, and I wrote about it in my book Raised With Christ. There is a whole chapter on spiritual transformation. But writing about it and fully living in the good of it are two different things. But lest we get too discouraged, the Apostle Paul writes:

“I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead! I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me” (Philippians 3:10-12, NLT).

All too often as Christians we start our journey by accepting forgiveness comes only from what Jesus has done for us, and experiencing a new birth. But we try and continue our walk in our own strength. But the Bible teaches us that God doesn’t only wipe the slate clean, He writes a new story in our hearts.

We often treat the gospel as offering forgiveness for our past and a ticket to heaven, and fail to fully yield ourselves to the power that can change us from within. There is nothing like significant suffering entering your life to help you realize that you need strength from outside yourself to change you and make you more like Jesus. As the Lord said to Paul when the was suffering:

“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NLT)

Wow! What a thought is that. If you are really suffering today and feeling weak, you are in exactly the right place to learn this lesson. For Jesus power works best when we are not too strong. Has your self-confidence been knocked? Then learn to be confident in Him! Does your body feel broken? Then learn that his body was broken for you, but it was also raised for you, and that incredible power is available to you right now!

I had always believed God changes people. But suffering exposed how much of me still resisted His work. I thank God that over the years, as Jesus has patiently met me, I have rediscovered more of the grace that not only forgives but remakes us. I have learned to rediscover the gospel I thought I already knew. That gospel doesn’t stop at the cross, but continues into a lifelong work of grace until the day we will finally be like Him.

This can all be summarized in a short paragraph that I have written recently that summarizes the truth which I hope pray will become foundational in my life and yours. It answers the question, what does Jesus do for Christians?

Forgiven in a Moment. Renewed Over a Lifetime. Glorified for Eternity. In an instant, God declares us righteous and we are born again. For the rest of our lives, God shares His life with us, transforming us from glory to glory, as we are changed from the inside out. When God’s work is complete, we will be like Him, and live with Him forever, reflecting His image, His glory, and His grace.

What about you?

If you are in the middle of your own storm right now, please remember: God’s amazing grace has not finished with you. He who began a good work in you will finish it. We will walk together as we explore these ideas more in future articles. You are not alone.