June 15, 2020

Assume you do get caught in the rain and get wet. Unpleasant? Sure. So the first thing you do when you get home is take a shower. Read more

December 23, 2019

Instant Fortune Teller begins with the instruction to close your eyes and open the book at random. I closed my eyes, but then I couldn’t find the book. I fumbled for it and ended up launching it into my cup of tea, which then spilled all over my tarot deck. So that’s how the Instant Fortune Teller works – it systematically destroys your other means of divination! Read more

February 13, 2019

The song in question is gleefully sung by a little old lady while she transforms a pumpkin into a coach, a dog into a footman, and the aforementioned rodents into white (of course) horses - even though all of these creatures had been fleeing in terror moments before. Read more

January 12, 2019

Grumpy Old Man: I’ve just read another plotless reminiscence. Somebody’s memories of growing up in an “age gone by” before all of this (sour face) Modern Living stuff happened.  Now I like these sketches, which is fortunate, because nearly every author succumbs to writing one sometime. But there’s this subtheme that runs through all of them that bugs me: “Life was good back when I was a kid, but now….”  Your thoughts? Dear Gom, Thanks for the soapbox. Here I... Read more

September 22, 2018

Halite: Where does the phrase “Take it with a grain of salt” come from, and what the hell does it even mean? Dear Halite, We here at Ask Angus HQ are big fans of Blue Apron. Every meal comes with a laminated sheet of instructions, and there are usually about 10 steps and each and every one will end with the phrase “Salt and Pepper to taste”. (Even though I am always making the dish for the first time, and... Read more

July 17, 2018

Pagandom is a nation comprised of 100% royalty: Every one of us a sovereign head of State, population: 1. Read more

April 1, 2018

If the percentage of prayers answered were calculated like a batting average, then God has long ago been sent down to the minors, released, retired and is now selling aluminum siding in Des Moines. Read more

February 9, 2018

Would there be spontaneous Karaoke with Freddie Mercury on piano and Sappho on lyre? Would there be sparks between Victoria Woodhull and Nellie Bly as they interviewed each other? Possibly. Would Vincent Price spill champagne on Freddie Mercury just so he could wipe it up? YES. Read more

February 7, 2018

Lance Gunn was extremely handsome, in a late 70's kind of way. You know: The hair, the pants, the white-toothed sneer, the gold chains, the custom corvette with the jet aircraft engine. Read more

October 23, 2017

Cubical workers score lower than people who work in SEWAGE. So the next time you grouse that your "job is shit" - consider that something to aim for! Read more

Browse Our Archives