Don’t Be a Hothead! 4 Key Strategies for Keeping Your Cool

Tip #2: Instead of “Letting Off Steam,” Remove Yourself From the Heat

If we’re boiling and don’t want to be, the researchers suggest the equivalent of putting the lid on tight and removing the pot from the heat. When we decide to be calm (see below), it is the equivalent of smothering the anger and denying it oxygen to burn. And when we remove or distract ourselves from whatever is making us furious, we find our anger cooling off until, in many cases, we’re simply not angry anymore.

So when your co-worker expresses frustration that the boss made everyone work late last night, instead of chiming in with the “Yeah, and guess what else?!” additional grievances, calmly say, “Yep, that was frustrating. So about these quarterly numbers . . .” And if the other person persists, excuse yourself, go back to your cube and force yourself to think something more healthy. Like what else you were working on. Or that dream Caribbean vacation.

(One hint for husbands or boyfriends, though: given what we discovered in our research about how women are wired, if you have to remove yourself from an emotional conflict, be sure to reassure your wife or girlfriend that you two are okay and you’ll be able to talk about it later. That gives her the reassurance of your love that she needs to give you space without simmering and venting herself.)