Step #3 (for Dads): Realize that “your way” of parenting is essential for your child
Dads, you are wired to parent differently, so don’t convince yourself your way is somehow “less than.” Even as you co-parent with Mom and honor her way of operating, step in with confidence to how you’re created as a Dad.
For example, research found that where mothers and children both experience the highest bonding/reward hormones during times of cuddling and affection, fathers and children experience the highest bonding/reward hormones during times of rough-and-tumble play! One British anthropologist theorized that such play:
It’s crucial to the father-child bond and the child’s development for two reasons: first, the exuberant and extreme nature of this behaviour allows dads to build a bond with their children quickly; it is a time-efficient way to get the hits of neurochemicals required for a robust bond, crucial in our time-deprived Western lives where it is still the case that fathers are generally not the primary carer for their children.
Second, due to the reciprocal nature of the play and its inherent riskiness, it begins to teach the child about the give and take of relationships, and how to judge and handle risk appropriately; even from a very young age, fathers are teaching their children these crucial life lessons.
Similarly, according to a study I saw years ago, anthropologists around the world have found that dads will on average let their toddlers stray three times farther away than the mom will. In other words: Go explore, little one, and have an adventure, even if you aren’t completely protected from all possible harm!
Dads, the point is: You don’t mind scraped knees as much as moms do. You’re much more inclined to tell your kids to suck it up and keep going. And just as protective nurturing and bonding is essential for building character, so is curiosity and resilience.
As long as you’re also attentive to and affirming of your kids, and telling them things like “I’m so proud of you” and (especially daughters) “I love you,” they will feel both safe and able to handle risk and adventure as they grow.
The bottom line, for all of us, is to remember that both mothers and fathers adore their children and bring great strengths to the task of parenthood. This is a beautiful reflection of how God has set things up! I Thessalonians 2:12 captures the essence of a father’s love for his children as an encourager and a comforter. Psalm 103:13 compares the compassion the Lord shows to us with the compassion a father shows to his child.
And now brain science shows us that early infant interaction on a father’s part can set him up for success with something that has mattered to him all along – being a good dad.
Women, for more resources that can help you “get” the man in your life, my book For Women Only may lead you to the type of “aha” moments that millions worldwide have found in its pages. And men, we similarly suggest For Men Only.
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