Action Step #2: Recognize that not every issue is a big issue
We’ve probably all heard the marriage advice that we need to rigorously pursue the “little foxes” (as the Song of Solomon puts it), so the little things don’t become big things that destroy the marriage. It is wise to keep an eye out for those things that could undermine the marriage (see below), but this doesn’t mean we need to pursue every issue into the ground.
One wife said, “I was really focused on the little foxes – the little things that we shouldn’t let go because they could become a problem someday, and destroy the vineyard. ‘Wait, we’re not done yet, let’s work this through. Let’s talk about the little foxes.’”
As her husband put it: “After a while I wanted to get out my .22 and shoot the little foxes.”
Overwhelmingly, it appears that one of the reasons the happiest couples are so happy is that they are far more likely than other couples to say, “it’s not worth it,” if pursuing some day-to- day issue or continuing a conflict would lead to a lack of peace. Even in cases when both spouses did really care about the subject, at least one of them was often willing to say that certain things were “minor” – which eventually led to both of the spouses being more likely to say so over time. (As a way to accomplish this, see Part 1 for one spouse’s advice on how to “rate” what matters to each of you.)
Although our research was focused on “letting things go” in the day-to-day issues (not the big life decisions), it was clear that the happy couples considered even some important and emotionally charged big issues to be worth letting go in order to preserve the relationship.
How do you figure out whether something is major or minor? Well, the happiest couples had some guidance on that as well.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In