Truth #3: Some aspects of waiting can cause problems, too.
In some cases, waiting can actually introduce issues that didn’t need to be there.
For instance, many couples describe a spiral of doubt that creeps in when they have been dating for years and are still saying things like, “We should wait until we’re ready” or “until we’re financially stable” or “until we’re sure.” While it is indeed vital to be sure you’re “ready” to make a lifelong commitment (more on that in Parts 2 and 3), young couples need to know: There is no one magic “readiness for marriage” line that you cross simply because you have a certain bank balance or have reached a certain threshold of “closeness.” Many people wait and wait for that magic, sparkling feeling … rather than recognizing that at some point many of us just have to make a wise decision.
For all couples (not just young ones), the key is more about being ready to make that decision – even if you end up continuing to wait on the actual engagement for logistical reasons (e.g. because one of you is working on a degree or has a year on a job contract in a different state). If you feel unable to make a decision after a number of years of purposeful dating, don’t see clear signs that you’ll ever feel comfortable doing so, and/or perhaps see certain red flags that are causing you to hesitate, that should be a signal to look closer at the relationship and seek wise counsel about whether to move forward or step away.
Another issue that can arise during a long period of waiting is the temptation to just move in together. Cohabiting may seem on the surface to be a reasonable way to determine if this could indeed be a lifetime relationship. Yet it’s not just the Bible that cautions against that temptation. Studies find that couples who cohabit first are more likely, not less, to get divorced later. Last year I wrote about study demonstrating that you will likely have a much better and happier relationship if you get married than if you cohabit. (I’ll be sharing an updated blog on this topic at some point.)
Here’s the bottom line: A young couple should never marry simply for the sake of getting married. But if a young couple is moving toward a lifetime commitment with maturity and wisdom, they should not necessarily hold themselves back either. Rather, what they should do – I would argue, must do – is consider the roadblocks that might be getting in their way, the issues that might lie ahead, and address them one by one. That is what we will cover in Part 2 and 3.
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