What Wives Need Most From Their Husbands (Part 2)

Emotional Need #6: To be shown that she is loved (and loveable) 

It’s no surprise that women feel a need to be loved. (After all, men do, too!) What may come as a surprise to many men, is how easy it is for a woman to question whether she is loved. 

In our For Men Only research, we found that fully 82% of women have an underlying insecurity about whether their men really love them. And here’s the key: this is not necessarily because of you but because of a question that is common in the heart of most women: Am I lovable? 

This deep inner question is hard for most women to articulate to their husbands. And it may “leak out” in a pattern of seeking reassurance – which can (understandably) be confounding for men. 

Here’s the translation: If your wife asks, “Do you love me?” in the evening when you already told her in the morning, what she’s asking is: “Do you really love me?” 

Most women – even in the best of marriages – have an emotional need to be reassured. Yes, we are each responsible for our own emotional state. But, husbands, do you see the tremendous power you wield to care for this tender place in your wife’s heart?  

This is why the other things we talked about this week and last week matter to your wife. Listening to her feelings or noticing she needs help shows her that you love her. Putting your arm around her in church says, “I’m so glad you’re mine.” Spending emotionally connected time together builds her feelings of love and closeness with you. It. All. Matters. 

Here are practical steps to help your wife feel loved: 

• During conflict, reassure her of your love. You may need space (and, as we covered in part 2 of the husbands’ series, wives need to give it). But let her know you love her first. A simple hug and saying “We’re okay, let’s talk about it tonight,” before you escape to your workshop, can work wonders. 

• If she brings up something that needs attention, try not to become defensive or see it as criticism. Not only is defensiveness a warning sign in relationships (see my blog from last year on this) but it may run right over the tender feelings your wife wants to share. 

• Pursue her. Even if you’ve been married for twenty years, pursuit prevents a lot of insecurity. This doesn’t have to be “big chase” type of stuff. It can simply be taking her hand at the party or sending a text that says, “I was just thinking about you.” 

 In the end, understanding the deep, inner longings of your wife’s heart will help you develop a closeness with her that may bring you closer than ever before. And the secret decoder ring you thought you needed won’t seem so necessary anymore. 

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