Action #1: Plan on valuing different things – and honoring each other’s “why”
This sounds so simple, but . . . we will not always agree. The key is to expect that we will not always agree – and to work to honor what matters to our spouse even as we also expect them to honor what matters to us. After all, their values will usually be just as legitimate as ours.
For example, Amanda places high value on intentional saving, so there is extra money available when she wants or needs something big. Her boyfriend, Joseph, is the opposite. He only gets paid four times a year, so he values being able to make a big purchase when he has the money available and then is okay with eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for several months to stretch his remaining money until the next paycheck.
Now, empirically, we all know (as does he) that there is a need to build up savings. Our Thriving in Love & Money research found that creating some financial margin is crucial for happiness in marriage – because when a need arises, you have the money available and can hammer on the need rather than on each other. So their conflict isn’t purely about unmet expectations. But here’s the key: savers and spenders have to expect and honor each other’s predispositions in order to avoid those unmet expectations to begin with.
Honoring what your spouse values is the first step to working out a method of joint money management that works for both of you. In other words, the first step is crafting something that does not put just one person in the driver’s seat, while the other person feels like merely a passenger.
Amanda could have acknowledged her disappointment (more on that in a moment) but also created connection by being curious and asking Joseph questions like: “Tell me why this particular gaming system will be especially fun for you,” or “What made you eager to get it now, rather than later?” And he could have acknowledged her legitimate concerns about the timing of the purchase, and asked, “What is it about me spending this money now that especially worries you?”
Honoring the “why” behind the other person’s saving and spending habits will help us avoid unmet expectations – because we expect those factors from the beginning! (And if you’re a saver, and concerned that I’m equating the two types of factors and thus discounting the need to save, be sure to see Action Step #3 next week.)
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