Action #2: Communicate your expectations
The suggested questions that Amanda and Joseph could ask each other point to a skill every couple needs to learn: Thinking and communicating about more than just the surface stuff. (“You should wait.” “But I want it.”)
Amanda had many “logical” reasons Joseph should have waited – and had previously hinted at her desire to save for big purchases. So when he bought the VR set, she was understandably upset. But Joseph is a responsible guy, and he cares about what Amanda thinks. So what happened? They each had deeper, and vital, expectations that they had not communicated. So what was oh-so-logical to her wasn’t so logical to him. And vice versa.
What might they have learned if they had gotten curious and asked one another, “What is the issue under the issue?” If they had really communicated their desires and expectations?
A lot, it turns out. And each of us will similarly learn a lot about one another when we get curious.
Let’s start with what was going on in Joseph’s mind first.
Unbeknownst to Amanda, Joseph had been intently investigating this VR system’s impending release. As he told me, “The YouTube influencers got access to it first, and I watched every second of every single video for months.” Buying the system wasn’t even an option when he didn’t have the money, so it wasn’t an expectation he thought to share out loud. But then he got an unexpectedly large paycheck and did have the money. In his mind, it suddenly became an option, even though he knew he would have very little to live on until the next paycheck. He was okay with that.
Why was he so eager to get it? The coolness of the VR set wasn’t the only reason. Interestingly, he knew Amanda liked gaming and he viewed it as an experience they could share in the years to come. In fact, one of the few games he purchased was one she would enjoy more than he would.
Perhaps more fundamentally, he viewed both gaming and high-energy outdoor activities like sports as a purposeful sort of self-care. Especially since other avenues of de-stressing were not feasible. He said:
“I have dyslexia, so as a stress reliever I can’t read like some people do. And because of living in a house with people who work from home, I can’t just play drums to let off steam like I did in high school. But I can drive a racecar in VR for a couple of hours. It is a way for me to escape.”
For her part, Amanda had a mental list of logical reasons and expectations for Joseph to wait. Most importantly, she had been assuming Joseph was going to be putting all his extra money toward a much more important purchase – an engagement ring. In her words, “When he was totally fine with dropping so much money on the VR set it made me wonder: Is getting engaged not even on his radar in the next few years? I’m not in a hurry, but it suddenly threw me off in terms of what to expect.”
She also was, wisely, trying to avoid a pattern that could cause resentment in the long run:
“I make more money than he does, and we’re both okay with that. But in practice that means that when he has run out of money, if we want to go out to eat or go to a movie, I pay for it. Otherwise, we’re eating sandwiches. And I’m fine with the sandwiches – but I don’t want to set up a dynamic where he starts to expect that I’ll sort of bail him out if he hasn’t managed money.”
As you can tell, both Amanda and Joseph had major – and legitimate – expectations, dreams, and concerns. But they hadn’t talked about those things, instead focusing on the zero-sum question of: “Should Joseph spend X dollars on this item.”
Do any of these dynamics hit home? If so, stop and talk about them. Honoring your significant other’s values and communicating with curiosity can breathe fresh life into the way you approach money together. Next time, we’ll continue this case study and share three very practical ways to use money as a source of connection rather than conflict!
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