After A Few Lemon Drop Martinis Joel Osteen Confesses He likes His Beer Like He Likes His Theology, Lite

HOUSTON, TX – Over the weekend numerous reports came in of people who claimed they spotted Pastor Joel Osteen at a local bar in downtown Houston drinking. While the reports have yet to be confirmed by the Osteen camp, allegedly, Pastor Osteen was seen drinking a few Lemon Drop Martini and some Bud Light.

“I couldn’t believe my eyes!” said one on-looker. “There he was lookin’ all fancy in his suit with a stack of empty martini glasses next to him. How do I know it was him, you ask? Well, I would know those teeth anywhere. He was smiling and laughing so much; he seemed oddly happy, even for him.”

One bar-goer, who is also a Lakewood church member, who claims to have seen Pastor Osteen said that he had a brief conversation with Osteen.

“I saw him standing in front of a mirror close to the bar telling himself how sucessful he was. He was mumbling something like ‘Way to go Joey. You’re magnificent, Joey! And dog-gone-it, Joe, people like you.” I could tell I startled him a bit when I said ‘Hello Pastor Osteen’ and introduced myself. He spun around incredibly fast, looked me right in the eye and gave me a big hug. I’m not sure how many drinks he had at this point but his make-up was smeared and he seemed to be a shell of his normal self. I tried asking him all kinds of questions, you know, small talk stuff; all he would respond with was some “woo-girl noises” and giggling. Seeing this conversation wasn’t going anywhere, I offered to buy him a beer and his eyes lit up. He said, ‘That would be super-duper! I like my beer like I like my theology – lite!” He then laughed until he fell out of his chair.”

Some suspect he was celebrating a recent study that lists Pastor Osteen’s Church Lakewood Church as the largest church in America, with attendance totaling 52,000. However, other’s question if it was really him or just a jovial look-a-like.

Lakewood has not returned any calls related to the alleged sightings.

In unrelated news, Pastor Osteen canceled his book signings this coming weekend due to a nagging headache.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist to you make you laugh 🙂

Photos Attribution: “Bud Light Beer Tap” CC 2.0 & “Joel Osteen” CC 2.0