parent directed feeding vs. demand feeding

The other day I twittered this, “I’m creating a demand-fed-co-sleeping-sling-wearing-rocked-to-sleep-baby monster. Arrrghgh, I need a system QUICK! Babywise take me away…” & got plenty of comments arguing both sides via facebook.  It’s such an interesting debate because I think a lot of it boils down to the disposition and phase-of-life of the primary caretaker.

Little Reesey-Bear will be 7 weeks on Monday.  He was doing great with eating every 3 hours, 24 hours a day with the exception of the days he’s had really bad gas –which is at least 1/2 of his young life.  When he has gas in the middle of the night I’ve allowed him to nurse himself to sleep.  In the last week, however, he’s greatly taken advantage of my kindness by waking up every hour or so wanting to nurse.  Acting like a wild ravenous animal if he can’t –though I know he’s not hungry.  I’ve become his human pacifier.

That’s what pushed me over my limit.  I am NOT a human pacifier.

Besides keeping me up all night nursing he was wanting me to rock him to sleep or be carried for at least half of all his naptimes.  And in addition to all that, he would wake up with gas half way through a nap and want me to start the whole process all over again.

He must have me confused with somebody else’s Mama.

And then there’s the incessant crying of an underslept infant.  And how am I supposed to know when he’s giving a hunger cry or a pain cry or a bored cry if every time he cries I stuff a boob in his mouth?   At that point, does a baby just give up say “oh screw it, every time I cry I’m going to be fed anyway, why not cry the same all the time?”  But my bigger issue with never letting a baby cry is that I stink.

Yep, stink.  As Dave says, I’ve been such a slave to Rhys’ crying lately that I’ve not made time to do simple things like make myself lunch or take a shower.  There is no time for anything when I’m so concerned that Rhys is always happy.

I cannot live this way.  Furthermore, I will not live this way.  Before I had him I read Secrets of the Baby Whisperer & have been trying to incorporate her basic principles of not using sleep props, keeping baby awake after feeding, and putting baby to sleep when he is still awake.  Though I love a lot of what she says, the problem is that she’s not specific enough with how to teach baby to sleep through the night on his own and he’s only getting worse.

From some of the feedback I got from facebook -and have always gotten whenever this topic comes up- it seems those who are proponents of demand feeding can’t tell me how to keep myself sane.  Forget the baby, what about me?  If I’m losing my eva-lovin’ mind how can I be a good Mama?

Here’s what makes me lose my eva-lovin’ mind:

-When I can’t get a good night sleep.

-When I have a child nursing all times of night that I know is capable of eating every 3 hours.

-A baby that is dependent on me to fall asleep, especially 5-6 times a day.

-A baby I can’t ever leave because only I know how to put him to sleep.

-A baby who starts screaming and demands to be fed or is only comforted by breast feeding.

-When I can’t be alone.

-a baby who can’t be happy being held without being breastfed.

Thankfully, Rhys is not that baby, but, hello, isn’t he on his way if I keep up this madness?

I hope I’m not coming off as judgmental to those who choose to demand feed & rock their kids to sleep.  On the contrary, I think you are brave & self sacrificial because I am not willing to.  It takes a lot of time & energy to live that way, and people I just don’t have it in me.

Not only that, but I am a working, traveling mother.

~What happens when Rhys is at daycare?  I can’t expect that he’ll be rocked and coddled to sleep at every nap.  That’s just rude.

~What happens when Dave & I want a date?  Am I to expect that a babysitter will go through 5 steps to ensure he gets to sleep?

~And what about Ransom & Dave?  I think it’s sort of mean not to also help them to get a good night of sleep because Rhys hasn’t learned to be quiet in the middle of the night.

I finally picked up and started reading Babywise so that I can help little Reeserton to start sleeping through the night somewhere between 9 – 12 weeks old.  I also want to keep breastfeeding for as long as possible.  There’s no way I can keep up this madness and continue to nurse.

The Babywise system worked great for Ransom.  By 8 weeks old he gave up one of his two middle of the night feedings and by 11 weeks he gave up all middle of the night feedings.  By 16 weeks he slept 11-12 continuous hours.  Ransom could have been the poster child for the Babywise system, he was the happiest, most complient, perfect little well-slept specimen I’d ever seen.

And Ransom has had no problems what-so-ever sleeping through the night for all 4 years anywhere at any time, and believe me, we have dragged him all over the country on InterVarsity trips.  (As an aside we also had great success using Ezzo’s Pottywise potty training system.  Ransom was completely daytime potty trained in 4 days & never had accidents.  Maybe twice in over a year).  I digress.

The BIG problem with parent directed feeding & sleep methods is: starting it.  I’ve been dragging my feet because it requires hearing your child belt it out with the intensity & volume of a professional opera singer.

For some reason it was easier to do with Ransom.  But with Rhys I absolutely hate hearing him cry!  I abhor it!  He’s my baby, my precious little baby of the family.  And arguably, I am just more tired & have less emotional reserves let alone resolve.

Dave & I had a good long talk about it & we know we have to do this. We must.  We’d even go so far as to say for the sake of our marriage Rhys has to learn these things.  Honestly, Dave & I all ready have an erratic schedule, weird job with lots of travel, working weekends and differing  working schedules.  We cannot have one more unpredictable factor in our life. Lest we bite each others head off for buttering our toast the wrong way.

Demand feeding a baby also feels precarious because that stay unpredictable for an unpredictable amount of time.  For up to 9 months or longer  no one in the house knows when the baby will eat or sleep.  It takes seriously special & patient people to live like this.

However, what do I know?  I’ve never demand fed a baby with the exception of these last two weeks with Rhys of which has made me angry & frustrated.   I’m wondering if any out there who had demand fed has had a different experience with it?  All I see is doom & gloom.

I’m especially interested in hearing from the non-SAHM (stay at home mom’s) who have lived by demand feeding principles.

Anyway, even though life will be harder for a few days I’m weaning myself off of my passive parenting.

Here’s specifically what is going to make Rhys’ & I miserable for the next 3-5 days:

~We are going to take away his pacifier as a sleep prop.  When it falls out, it’s out, no more popping it back in.

~He will be forced to take a FULL feeding at every feed, no more snacking. (He’s a lazy eater & loves to sleep on the job).

~He must stay awake after every feeding.

~He will be put down for a nap 1 to 1 1/2 hrs. before the next feed time.  We decide when nap starts and when nap ends, not him.  Lots of crying will ensue.

~Biggest of all, we will not pick him up after he’s down for a nap or night time.  When he cries, we wait for 15 minutes & if he’s not asleep yet we comfort him for one minute & then leave again.  This will be hardest for me in the middle of the night, but I’m hoping this will only take 2-3 nights before he “gets it.”

The point of all this is so that we -as his parents- will establish healthy eating and sleeping routines in his body and mind that are both structured & predictable for all of us.  All of that will lead to continuous nighttime sleeping, a happier & more secure baby and a more peaceful household.

I’m telling you that a baby who knows how to self-soothe and sleep consistently through the night & take full naps is a very secure and happy baby with emotional & physical needs met.  (Often I hear Babywise haters saying how “cruel” his program is).  A little crying never hurt anybody, jeez.

So, today with Dave’s help we are taking the Babywise PLUNGE!  Poor little Rhys has cried more today than his whole little life, but I know it’s so very temporary.  It took Ransom 3 days anytime we tried to train or retrain him in any of these areas after sicknesses or time changes.  The pay off is BEAUTIFUL.

I probably had about 65 people comment to me about how happy Ransom was, how good he slept, etc. etc.  and you know what? I was very happy.  Dave & I were well slept as well.

This is what I’m working toward with Reesey-Bear. A baby who doesn’t  think food is his primary source of comfort & for-all-thats-good-in-the-world doesn’t think the world revolves around him when he starts crying.  There’s little else that annoys me about kids as much as when they are demanding, how much more I hate to see it in babies.  How can something less than 35 pounds be demanding of me?

Puh-lease.

Today is day #1.  Tonight is night #1.  I have a feeling I am going to be very tired after tonight’s cry fest.