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Franklin Graham of Samaritan’s Purse: “Reject gays and eat at Chick-fil-A.”

Franklin Graham of Samaritan’s Purse: “Reject gays and eat at Chick-fil-A.” July 30, 2012

I’ve been ignoring the whole Chick-fil-A thing because there’s only so much stupid a person can absorb before having to whang themselves on the head with a hammer. (And also because I loathe businesses founded upon the idea that illiteracy is charming.)

But yesterday I got a letter from a reader in which she related how she and her daughter had done a “shoebox Christmas box” for the Christian non-profit organization Samaritan’s Purse, the Board Chairman and CEO of which is Franklin Graham.

“Other than a quick look at their website,” she wrote, “I did not really research the organization. Since doing the box I received occasional emails from them. Last week I received one asking me to pray for Chick-fil-A and their crusade against gay marriage. WHAT!?!! I thought we were helping the impoverished with toothpaste, medical care, and stuffed teddy bears!”

She forwarded me a copy of Good Samaritan’s email newsletter to her:

Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy with Franklin Graham in 2010.

Stand with Chick-fil-A on August 1 in Support of Traditional Marriage

DEAR FRIEND,

Just a few days ago, Dan Cathy, President of Chick-fil-A, affirmed his stance on the sanctity of traditional marriage. The restaurant chain has been, and continues to be, under a concerted attack from same-sex marriage advocates.

I applaud the courage of Cathy to take a bold stand for the biblical definition of marriage between a man and woman in a culture that has grown openly hostile to the Christian faith and its followers.

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee has called for a National Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day on Wednesday, August 1, to demonstrate support for the company. I would like to join with him, and ask that, if you live near one of their restaurants please drop by and let them know how much you appreciate them and their stand.

I have known Dan and his father, Mr. Truett Cathy, for many years, and I respect how their company was founded upon and operates by Christian values.

In the words of the bold, biblical prophet Daniel who refused to bow to the culture of his day: “The people who know their God will display strength and take action” (Daniel 11:32, NASB).

Thank you and God bless you.

Sincerely,

Franklin Graham

It’s like a perfect storm of stupid. I can’t even think about commenting on it.

Well, okay, I guess I can share with you what went through my head as I was reading the above. See my interjections below in lovely, calming blue.

Chick-fil-A President Dan Cathy with Franklin Graham in 2010. [Oh no! The cretin spawn of Billy Graham!]

Stand with Chick-fil-A on August 1 in Support of Traditional Marriage [Where did I put my hammer?]

DEAR FRIEND, [What’s with the caps? Just trying to be friendly, overbearingly aggressive, and fundamentally dumb, I guess. Score.]

Just a few days ago, Dan Cathy [HAR! Cathy! I should grow up.], President of Chick-fil-A, affirmed his stance on the sanctity of traditional marriage. [Right. Because nothing says, “I’m straight and want to marry another straight person” like “Gay people shouldn’t be allowed to get married.”] The restaurant chain [restaurant? really?] has been, and continues to be, under a concerted attack from same-sex marriage advocates. [It doesn’t have to be a hammer. I could use one of the decorative boulders on the patio of our condo.]

I applaud the courage of Cathy to take a bold stand for [“to take a bold stand for”? Hello? Syntax police? Could you come right away?] the biblical definition of marriage between a man and woman  [are they still going with the inanity that one woman + one man = the Biblical definition of marriage? Have these people ever read the Bible?] in a culture that has grown openly hostile to the Christian faith and its followers. [It’s so true. Just yesterday I saw that in my neighborhood there are two corners without a church. It was like being in communist Russia.]

Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee [then again, why go outside, when I could just use our cast-iron frying pan?] has called for a National Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day [or I could just slam my head right here on my desk] on Wednesday, August 1, to demonstrate support for the company. I would like to join with him, and ask that, if you live near one of their restaurants please drop by and let them know how much you appreciate them and their stand. [“Yes, I’d like the Chick-fil-A Chicken Biscuit Sandwich please? Right on! All gay people are all going straight to hell! And can I get a large diet Coke with that, please? Gay people are destroying our country!! And some extra ketchup?”]

I have known Dan and his father, Mr. Truett Cathy [Truett Cathy! It’s like a Dickens novel! What’s his nickname? Chatty?] for many years, and I respect how their company was founded upon and operates by Christian values. [Yes, nothing says “I love the Lord” like making a fortune mass producing deep-fried chicken sandwiches. It reminds me of that classic story in the Bible about Paul opening up a Der Wienerschnitzel.]

In the words of the bold, biblical prophet Daniel who refused to bow to the culture of his day: “The people who know their God will display strength and take action” (Daniel 11:32, NASB). [Yes, if the Bible makes one thing perfectly clear, it’s that the ultimate way of showing your love of Jesus is by going to a fast-food restaurant and chowing down on a chicken sandwich while bitching about how gay people are ruining America. It’s true what they say: every time a moronic bigot makes the life of a gay person just a little bit worse, an angel gets its wings.]

Thank you and God bless you.

Sincerely,

Franklin Graham [Well, nothing says cracker like Graham.]

And now I’m going to sit on our front patio to enjoy my cup of coffee and ponder the solid, grounding beauty of the decorative boulders out there. Wish me luck.

P.S. According to its 990 IRS form (the latest I could find online), in 2010 Samaritan’s Purse paid Graham Franklin $561,000. That same year the organization received $10 million in government grants.

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