I can’t remember my heart hurting anymore than it’s hurting right now.

My youngest sister is extremely sick right now. A week and a half ago she was completely fine and we were enjoying the last few days of our family vacation at Disney World. In just a matter of days, our worlds have changed. She went in on Friday for some tests, and the results were promised today. Instead of a clear diagnosis, we were told that it could take up to two weeks for more results to come in. The doctor who’s handling the case has never seen this before, so the results must be passed along to more specialists.

Hot tears have fallen down my cheeks at church, at a coffee shop with friends, alone in my bedroom.

My heart is in limbo waiting…waiting…waiting.

Questions are on my mind, but I haven’t been able to gather the breath to express them verbally .

Even though my soul feels heavy under the looming pain, the majority of my prayers been more like groanings, and conversations with my Father have been mingled with tears, I have clung to four of the sweetest words ever spoken.

I am with you.

When my heart is torn into peaces.

When the Lord hasn’t answered my questions.

When I don’t know if everything will be “okay”.

When the Lord hasn’t promises to work in the ways that I want.

When I can’t be at home with my family right now.

When the pain threatens to overshadow my vision of the Lord.

Those four words provide a balm for my hurting soul

My Father has promised never to leave me, never to forsake me, always to love me, and to work all things together for good. I don’t understand what that looks like. I’ve cried, “But Lord, I don’t understand why this is the road that You’ve chosen for me and my family. I don’t understand why my sister’s body is suffering. I don’t understand….”

But even though I don’t understand, I choose to trust…

I trust that my Father is with me.

He promises to be present.

He promises to love.

He promises grace.

He promises steadfastness.

He promises provision

He promises never to leave me.

While I am left with more waiting and more trusting, I throw myself into my Father’s strong and loving arms.

In this world, there is so much suffering. But deeper than my sorrow and pain, I have joy.

How can I fight for joy when I’m in the middle of so much uncertainty?

Because my ultimate joy is not rooted in circumstances, people, doctors, a diagnosis, or even life or death.

“Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.” – 1 Peter 4:2-13

This trial did not surprise the Lord.

It surprised me and my family, but it didn’t catch the Lord off guard. He is sovereign over all, including this current trial I am in.

In great suffering on earth there is great support from heaven. You may think now that you will not be able to bear it. But if you are Christ’s, you will be able to bear it, because he will come to you and rest upon you.

I echo the words of John Piper,

With feeble fingers to the ledge

Of your great grace

I’m holding on for dear life. The fight for joy is a messy one. It is not necessarily a smile on my face or skipping through a field of flowers, it is so much deeper. A smile can quickly be turned into a frown, flowers can quickly lose their beauty, this world is fading fast.

Joy is deep.

Joy is real.

Joy is eternal.

Joy transcends circumstances.

Joy sustains through the pain.