The Wall Street Journal reports that Netflix is developing a family-friendly, live-action show based on the popular Legend of Zelda video games. Apparently Netflix is still seeking a writer for the show. I humbly offer my services. My fee is reasonable and my work will be golden. Like the Triforce. Critics will applaud, awards will be won, profits will be amassed.
Alas, I have a better chance of finding the Master Sword in the woods near my home than being hired by Netflix, but I will, for the benefit of whomever they do hire, state what unequivocally needs to happen.
First, Zelda must be the lead character and have more lines and screen time than Link. Saoirse Ronan must be cast as Zelda. This is non-negotiable.
Second, every episode must pass the Bechdel Test.
Third, the show will allegedly be a sort of Game of Thrones for a family audience. I hope this means that the series will, if it gets off the ground, intelligently explore the political and religious aspects of Hyrule. That’s what I would do.
Fourth, Netflix and Nintendo should look at the work of Hayao Miyazaki for guidance on creating family-friendly stories that are rich in character, drama, and humor.
Fifth, the storytelling, visuals, and music should eschew the gritty atmosphere of a lot of contemporary fantasy, reveling instead in light, warmth, and rich color. Drop the save-the-princess trope as well. Go for a world under threat that nonetheless values hope and joy. Make it fun.
Nothing is certain at this stage. Netflix and Nintendo decline to comment, and talks could fall apart. As of now we have only rumors and speculation and my aesthetic imperatives. With these alone we must seek our destiny.
Seriously, though. Hire me.