This Is How Change Happens

Some weeks ago I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. The other bridesmaids and I went out on the town and spent some time hanging out, just chatting and enjoying our time together (and trying to keep the bride’s stress level down!). Then, as we were chatting, one of the bridesmaids—we’ll call her Amy—mentioned that her cousin had just come out as transgender. There was a momentary pause. Amy said she wasn’t sure about the whole pronouns thing, and she just seemed really unsure about it in general. But that pause did not last.

Quickly, several of us jumped in to tell her that she should use the pronouns her cousin preferred, and that she should make sure to be there for and support her cousin. We mentioned transgender individuals we knew ourselves. This was all done very naturally, just some friends chatting, comparing experiences, giving advice.

I forget exactly what Amy said, and she might not have said anything in particular at all, but she quite obviously felt better, more at ease and less worried. We had affirmed something for her—that it was okay, that there was nothing wrong with her cousin, and that she could accept this change. I am fairly confident that that one exchange shaped how Amy will interact with her cousin going forward.

And this was no secular wedding. In fact, I was the only bridesmaid who is not religious. The others were Catholic and evangelical. And yet, only one or two bridesmaids were silent and none spoke out in opposition. Perhaps these few simply had nothing to say, or perhaps they disagreed—but if they disagreed, they did not let on. In spaces like this—twenty-something adults—the terrain has changed, even among those who are religious. I’ll be honest, even I was surprised. I went to college with these young women years ago, and I’m pretty sure their views were different then. Things are changing.

As I thought about the exchange later, I was struck by how important these little everyday interactions are. These are the things that have changed—and that are still changing. Little by little as person touches person, acceptance is growing. As we hit the tipping point, change happens faster. Those who would have said nothing before are emboldened. Those who would have spoken up in opposition stay silent. The conversation is changing, and we’re watching it happen.

Person to person, day by day.