I Will Not Apologize for Growing Up

Most survivor bloggers today are of my generation, other children homeschooled in patriarchal quiverfull families in the Christian homeschooling movement. Some, though, are of my parents’ generation, former quiverfull patriarchal mothers who saw the error of their ways and left the movement. Sometimes this can create tension. Cindy of Under Much Grace recently wrote a blog post titled Are You a Mom Who is Triggered by Cynthia Jeub’s Blog? Finding Healing Part I. In it she said this:

In the wake of Cynthia Jeub’s first blog posts about the negative aspects of her upbringing and her departure from home, several mothers have asked me about how I put Cynthia’s writing into perspective. . . . Though I can’t truly empathize with the deep pain of a parent, particularly a mother, who experiences conflict with her daughter, I’ve watched my peers grieve terribly.

It is unclear whether Cindy is talking only about mothers who have also left the movement, or about all mothers whether they have left the movement or not. I also don’t know what Cindy is planning to write in her next installments—Part II: To the Cynthia Jeubs (The Second Generation Adult) and Part II: To the Parents of Second Generation Adults—which are planned but not posted. Regardless, I found myself bothered by Cindy’s approach, which approached both mother and daughter as equally in need of forgiveness and equally in need of having their perspective heard.

Here’s the thing: I do not need to apologize to my parents. All I did was grow up.

I will not apologize for growing up. 

I know a lot of homeschool alumni—second generation adults, as Cindy calls them—who, like me, have rifts with their parents. Over and over and over again, the story is the same. We grew up. Our parents became angry with us because we grew up. That’s it. We didn’t do anything wrong. We grew up.

We do not need our parents to forgive us. We need them to accept us.

The leaders of the Christian homeschooling movement told homeschooling parents that if they homeschooled just so, they could control the result. These leaders told our parents that if they disciplined like this and trained like that, they would be guaranteed “perfect” Christian children—politically conservative, saving-our-kisses-for-marriage children. It would be easy to place the blame for what happened in our homes on these leaders, but I won’t. After all, our parents believed these leaders, and wanted what they promised, a generation of lockstep robot children. But it turns out that children don’t work that way, and it turns out that these leaders were wrong.

These rifts we have with our parents? These rifts are caused by our parents unmet expectations. Our parents expected us to be something we aren’t. But it is that expectation that is wrong, not us. Children are not robots you can program to run just so. We are not toys to be played with. We do not exist for our parents’ gratification. We are people. We are people, and we grew up, and now we have to make our own decisions and forge our own lives. You know, like grownups do. And sometimes that means making decisions our parents don’t agree with.

Yes, most parents have expectations for their children. But those expectations are generally things like become self supporting, don’t end up in jail, or come home for holidays. My parents expectations were that I obey my father even as an adult; that I only marry with my father’s permission and through a parent-guided courtship; that I not have a career and instead be a homemaker; that I homeschool my children; that I hold politically conservative views on every issue; that I be a properly conservative evangelical Christian; that I submit to and obey my husband; and that I have a large number of children. And honestly, that’s just for starters.

When I stepped outside of my parents’ narrow expectations, I committed a huge transgression in their eyes. That is what created the rift between us. That is why my mother drove my into therapy. That is why my relationship with my parents can never again be what it once was.

I grew up, and I did what grownups do. I made my own decisions. I am married and have two children and a successful career. But somehow, none of that matters, because I think evolution more likely to be true than young earth creationism and I send my daughter to public school.

That’s what confuses me about Cindy’s post. I don’t have anything to be forgiven for. I didn’t do anything wrong. I would be very glad if my parents could come around and realize they messed up. I wouldn’t rake them over the coals. Some of the damage to our relationships is likely permanent, but other things could be rebuilt. Cindy also spoke of both sides wanting their perspective heard, but that misses the fact that I’ve heard my parents’ perspective over and over and over again. The problem isn’t that I haven’t listened, it’s that they’ve never listened.

This isn’t some sort of equal thing where we both messed up. My parents messed up. Full stop. And yes, I get that people do mess up, and there are a lot of things I’ve let go of as I’ve moved on. I’m not even usually angry with my parents anymore—though anger can be legitimate. I’ve reached a point where I’m mostly just sad. But this isn’t some sort of thing where we both need to admit our faults and forgive each other. I didn’t do anything wrong. I know that sometimes people claim that to get out of responsibility for their actions, but that’s not what I’m doing here. If I had fault here I would admit it, but I don’t.

All I did was grow up.