No Longer Quivering
by Virginia Knowles cross posted from her blog Watch The Shepherd
Originally posted in the Fall of 2012.
It’s happened again, another horrifying and tragic episode of domestic violence in our community, leaving several dead and one critically injured. In the Orlando area alone, eleven people in the past several weeks have been killed because of domestic violence. We read these so often in the news that it’s easy to become numb and then turn the channel, turn the page, click the next link to think about something a little more cheerful.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. But even if it wasn’t, we need to…
Stop.
Think.
Act.
You might assume that domestic violence does not affect you or anyone you personally know. You are probably wrong.
First, think of the ripple effect in society. When families are torn up by domestic violence, there is a cost: lost education and income opportunities for both the victim and abuser, on-going medical needs from injuries and psychiatric disorders, increased substance abuse, impact of the possible death of a parent (usually a mother), necessary government intervention, potential homelessness, children who grow up to perpetuate the vicious cycle and increase crime rates and more.
Think of these sobering statistics:
- 1 in 4 women report being the victim of abuse by a spouse/boyfriend in their lifetime. (United States statistics)
- More than three women per day are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends.
- Women suffer 2,000,000 injuries per year from domestic violence.
(See more: The Domestic Violence Fact Sheet from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.)
Still, that seems so “other” to many of us.
Sure, it raises our taxes.
Sure, we need more police officers.
Pity the poor families out there.
You know, the ones who don’t know how to get along.
Oh well.
Stop and think again.
Unless you are a hermit, someone you personally know is probably the victim of domestic violence. Perhaps someone in your church or Christian organization. And you could be completely oblivious because it’s not something a victim really likes to advertise. It is humiliating. There is a stigma, especially among Christians. There is a fear of reprisal from the abuser if anyone finds out. There is a fear of having to single parent, with all of the emotional, logistical and financial ramifications. It’s hard to rock the boat, to risk upsetting things even more than they already are. It’s easier to deny, minimize, try harder to make it work.
You might wonder how a Christian family could be affected by domestic violence. I think the desire for control over others (often with the sincere intent of having a “godly” family at all costs) and the inability to control anger are two prime factors. This is compounded by the fact that many Christian women feel like it is their duty to submit to whatever their husbands say or do (as long as the wife is not personally sinning), and so they continue to enable abusive behavior. They may reason that their husbands are otherwise decent, hardworking members of society, and they don’t want to damage their reputations in the church or community. Many Christian men insist it is their right as the leader of the family to assert their “God-given” authority and enforce whatever they wish to say or do. The wife may think, “He is controlling and verbally abusive, but he’s never physically hurt me,” but if that goes unchecked, it can easily slide into physical abuse. Or she may think, “Well, he pushed me and I got hurt, but that was an accident. He’s never tried to beat me up.” It’s still physical abuse. If it happens once, it may be an accident that you can get past. But if it continues to happen, it is a pattern that needs to be interrupted.
In some cases, domestic violence against the wife occurs when she tries to intervene when her husband gets out of control while “disciplining” the children. In many Christian circles, especially among conservative home educators, there is a fear of both government intervention and professional counseling/therapy. There is also an emphasis on Christian marriages staying together at all costs “until death do us part” – which sometimes it does when one spouse murders the other. Whatever the reasons, whatever the extent, these extremely unhealthy dynamics are something for a qualified, professional counselor to explore. (Pastors can help, but some of them are just not equipped. In so many cases, a wife is told to just go home and pray for her husband, forgive, stop being so bitter, submit more, give him more sex, keep the house cleaner, get the kids under control, and try harder not to make him angry. This is total crap! Seriously? Blaming the victim just won’t cut it anymore.)
I am no expert on domestic violence, but I do personally know several families who have been affected and I have been involved in intervening/supporting in a few cases. Several of my friends and fellow bloggers have also been directly and regularly involved in counseling women in abusive situations, especially in Christian families. I appreciate their input about this topic which has enabled me to write this article, which I had already been planning for my series on Advocating for the Vulnerable. I’ve been asking around and gathering my information for a while. I can’t write a comprehensive or scholarly article, but I can ask you to stop, think, read some more.
Recognizing Domestic Violence:
The symptoms: unexplained injuries, fear, depression, anxiety, self-loathing, distrust, isolation, avoidance, overly passive or overly aggressive behavior
The kinds of abuse: physical, sexual, verbal, emotional, financial, spiritual, etc.
The repeating cycles and patterns of abuse:
- violent incident
- guilt, excuses, remorse, reconciliation
- calm/normality
- tension/escalation
The psychological tactics of abuse: dominance, intimidation, threats, denial, blame, isolation, inappropriate rules, belittling, shaming
If you are the victim of domestic violence, PLEASE don’t go it alone. Get help. If you have children, they are at risk too. You can’t shield them forever. If you won’t do it for yourself, do it for them. Start by confiding in a trusted friend, family member, or pastor. If that doesn’t work, try another one until someone will listen and help. You don’t have to advertise it to everyone. You can get help discretely. If you are in danger, find a safe place to stay, or, if possible and if safe, insist that the abuser leave the home. You might not think you can handle being separated from your abuser, but you can! You might not trust government intervention, such as from the police or social services, but it may be just what you need.
If you know a victim of domestic violence, offer help. Don’t turn a blind eye. You might not already know what to do. Start researching. Compile of list of resources, such as hotlines, web sites, safe houses or social services, that your friend can use. I have listed many of these below. Arrange a safe place for them to stay for as long as necessary. And don’t forget to listen without minimizing or invalidating or excusing their concerns.
I have created a domestic violence resource page on this blog that has a complete list of links; I will attempt to add to it as I find more helpful resources. Some of the links from that page are below.
Other domestic violence articles on this blog:
- Abigail’s Story: Responses to Domestic Violence
- Elizabeth’s Story: Domestic Violence in a Ministry Home
- Lynn’s Story: A Dangerous Engagement
- Bonding and Bondage in Abusive Relationships
- Psychological Socialism: Manipulating through Equalizing Blame
Web Sites and On-Line Articles:
Please note that I am providing these for your information. I do not endorse everything you will find at these sites. Important: If you are a victim of domestic violence and you are using a computer to gather information or gain on-line support, please be sure to use an incognito web browser or erase your history as you browse. Please also be aware that your abuser may be tracking your web viewing with software designed for this purpose. If that is a risk, use a computer that your abuser cannot track, such as one at a friend’s house or public library. Click here for more information on How to Cover Your Tracks.)
Basic Information for Victims and Survivors
- The Domestic Violence Fact Sheet
- National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
- Help Guide: Domestic Violence and Abuse
- Effects of Domestic Violence on Mothers and Children at Joyful Heart Foundation
- 12 Reasons Why Couples Counseling Is Not Recommended When Domestic Violence Is Present
- RAVE: Religion and Violence e-Learning (note: this site has embedded audio that plays as soon as you load, so if you need to be discrete about what you are doing, turn your sound off or plug in earphones before you click)
- The Stained Glass Story of Domestic Violence – a visual metaphor of hope after brokenness
- Christianity and Domestic Violence – a blog post with lots of links and good information
- Emotional Abuse and Your Faith
- More Than Just a Black Eye by Elisabeth Klein Corcoran (kinds of abuse)
The Psychology of Abusive Relationships
Trauma Bonding by Michael Samsel
Trauma Bonding, Children & The Lesson in a Mechanical Duck
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser by Joseph Carver, PhD
Stockholm Syndrome at RAINN
Especially for Church Leaders
Crying Out for Justice blog by Jeff Crippen (a pastor)
The Church’s Response to Domestic Violence
Towards an Effective Church Response to Domestic Abuse
12 Reasons Why Couples Counseling Is Not Recommended When Domestic Violence Is Present
Counseling Strategies with Victims of Domestic Violence
Dating Abuse
Dating Violence (Department of Justice)
Love is Respect: Dating Basics
The Hidden Side of Dating Abuse (technology)
Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN)
Phone Numbers:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800)799-7233
-
USA Domestic Abuse Hotline: (800)999-SAFE
Books:
- Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse by Paul Hegstrom, Ph.D. – this is a Christian book by a pastor who had been an abusive husband
- Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft – check your public library – a wealth of information – the most highly recommended book on this subject
- Free Yourself from an Abusive Relationship: 7 Steps to Taking Back Your Life by Andrea Lissette, M.A. And Richard Kraus, Ph.D.
- When Sparrows Fall by Meg Moseley – a novel about a patriarchal Christian family (this link is for my review)
- Submission is Not Silence by Elisabeth Julin (this link is for my review)
“Love that is coerced is not real, and neither is submission that is coerced. Personal dominance, dictatorships in marriage and other forms of mind control that are camouflaged by religion are all unbiblical. No religion or denomination has permission from Scripture to control a woman. Some try hard, but they have to violate Scripture in the process. The biblical truth is that no human being is justified coming between you and God. In the end of time, when it is your turn to stand before God, you will face Him alone.” Elisabeth Julin in Submission Is Not Silence
Central Florida Resources:
- SafeHouse of Seminole: A confidential shelter for victims of domestic violence and their children, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. www.safehouseofseminole.org
- Harbor House (Orange County): Shelter for victims of domestic violence, includes counseling, practical support, legal help, etc. www.harborhousefl.com
- Kids House of Seminole Children’s Advocacy Center: Help for families dealing with child abuse; friendly, non-threatening atmosphere, includes counseling, support, information on resources, referrals for substance abuse treatment, etc. www.kidshouse.org
I did not fully address child abuse in this article on domestic violence. I have already done this at: Child Discipline or Child Abuse?
I have also written Help for Hurting Marriages and Manifesto of Liberty and Responsibility in Christian Families.
I hope that this article and links have equipped you to open your eyes and take a stand against domestic violence. Let me know if you need help taking the next step.
Read more by Virginia Knowles:
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Virginia Knowles blogs about spiritual abuse and recovery at Watch The Shepherd, observations about daily life at Virginia Knowles, and motherhood at This Mom Grows Up.
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