Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – What Kind of Girl Am I?

Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – What Kind of Girl Am I? September 7, 2017

AnsweringAnother young woman becomes confused over Debi Pearl’s types of women and asks for clarification.

Another installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad

and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always  all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

What kind of girl am I?

Is it possible to be a servant girl and to be an go-to-gal ? I love helping others and I don’t mind sitting back and letting others take the leadership. However I do have a stubborn streak, and can at times have a contentious spirit. I have to work on having a meek and quiet spirit. I do not think that I am a visionary girl. I do not think that I could marry a steady man, because I like to know what someone expects of me. I do not want to have to guess and try to figure out what someone wants. So I think that I will probably marry a command man, but I am afraid that my sometimes stubbornness and be contentious will get me in trouble with this kind of a man.

She only got one answer and it was that there are many different personality types. I’m very confused by the question. Can someone figure out what she’s really asking?

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  • Chiropter

    Don’t rush to get married, but when you do look for a man:
    Marry someone you love, someone you respect, and more importantly – someone who respects you. Marry someone who sees the strengths in your character and appreciates your natural temperment. Don’t change or suppress that for anyone else’s approval, and don’t expect him to change either.
    Choose someone who you are comfortable around, who you feel safe to be yourself with. Choose someone you enjoy, whatever that looks like for you.

    If he doesn’t have these characteristics, don’t marry him. It doesn’t matter how ‘godly’ he is, or how much your parents and the church elders like him.
    This is your life to live, not theirs. You do you, first and foremost, and marry (or don’t) as you wish.

    Also – that danish always looks really good 🙂

  • Iain Lovejoy

    I think she is worried she actually has a personality, but has been told this is sinful.

  • Coffee Summerall

    I could be wrong, but she sounds like someone brainwashed by certain Evangelical formulas for finding a mate and being a “good woman.” And for women, that always means being a doormat and never having a difference of opinion with your husband for fear you might be right and he becomes insecure in his masculinity. (He is told he can’t be taught by his wife, because he might sin, like Adam, by listening to her. So learning anything from a wife is a sin, or possibly could lead a man to the sin of not having all the right answers instantly and forcing him to admit she’s smarter in some areas.)

    Anyway, she sounds like a great woman with a lot of get-up-and-go.

    As a successful ENTJ woman, I never fit the Evangelical formula very well. But in my younger years, I tried to pretend I was meek, reserved, and void of personality. I ended up with a terrible (albeit Evangelical) husband. Thankfully, that marriage ended; and I am now married to a quiet, dignified, highly intelligent man who is my biggest fan! And vice versa. We have differences of opinion, and we love the fact we benefit from each other’s viewpoint.

    I would tell her: Forget the formulas. Use the gifts and personality you were given and run with it. Find someone who loves that competent, ambitious, high achieving part of you, not the fake mask you’ve been told to wear.

  • smrnda

    this seems to show the danger of the whole ‘personality test’ where you have to figure out your ‘type’ before making life decisions.

  • Lucy

    I think she is worried about doing the wrong thing, but also cannot fit the mold she was given. Part of what I would advise her to do is not look for someone to marry right away, and allow herself to learn and mess up. It’s a scary step to take, but is a needed one. Also, I would suggest she check out the #actuallyautistic tag on Tumblr. If she does not know if she’s autistic or not, she shouldn’t post there, but many autistics know what it is like to have that sort of conflicting attitude like she describes – it’s a pretty classic life problem among autistics, to really want to know what to do but also to be worried about not doing it right. Also, I would suggest she looks into the possibility of whether or not she is autistic herself. There isn’t enough info for me to tell that in that letter, but for her, looking at “atypical autism symptoms”, also aided by Tumblr, would be a good start. Not to mention taking the Aspie Quiz or looking at other good self-diagnosis resources, preferably after she has looked at things by autistic people who know they are autistic. Also stim blogs – for all she knows, she stims in ways that are barely if ever represented in most places but may be found on those blogs.

    Whether or not she is autistic, its worth her looking into the possibility that she might be, and if she’s not autistic, she will still have found people who can relate to some of the issues she is having. Especially since autistic people are often pretty forgiving as long as you don’t perpetually act like an asshole. That might make it easier for her to “get out there, get messy, and make mistakes” – a vital step for someone like her, because as scary as it is, it’s the best way for her to avoid being crushed.

    Here are two friendly Tumblr sources to get her started.

    Also these videos on YouTube
    Ask an Autistic

    For some reason, it shows a video on the page. I don’t know why, because that link leads to all the videos.

  • Nea

    “Dear Debi; I like to get things done and I’ve been taught to disdain men who won’t try to break me like a horse, but I’m afraid that I won’t get along with the kind of guy who browbeats me down. How do you handle your husband’s disdain and abuse?”

  • Saraquill

    Scrub the Pearls’ glossary from your mind so you stop squishing yourself or others in their poorly formed boxes. Singlehood is not a disease, you don’t need to obsess over finding a spouse.

  • SAO

    Her issue is Pearl garbage about types. Men types are “command men” (arrogant bullies), “visionary men” (hopeless losers prioritizing pipe dreams over reality, they generally have no income), or “steady men” who are actually fairly normal, but Pearl talks about with complete contempt and suggests are doormats.

    The women’s types aren’t as awful, but they are equally unmoored from reality.

  • AuntKaylea

    I do not believe that the personality types advocated by the Pearls are actually psychological categories, but merely “pseudo-scientific” stereotyping of people in order to excuse particular behaviors. There’s no actual science behind them.

  • Val

    I think that she refers to the categories that Debi uses in the book (ex. Command man).
    I have not read the book but if I remember correctly Debi divides men in three categories and describes each of them: with the variety of humankind it is impossible for her to actually describe all men with three categories.
    So I would say to this girl: don’t worry. Don’t spend too much time thinking about the categories, instead try to figure out what type of man are you looking for, what are your deal breakers.

    She also seems worried about her personality. “Being a meek and gentle spirit” doesn’t mean being an always silent, always smiling girl. And it doesn’t mean being a doormat.
    I would tell her: Embrace the good aspects of your personality, give yourself some grace (no one is perfect 100% of the time) and try to make yourself a better person but without cancelling your personality.

  • Lucy

    That is a large part of her issue, and may be all of it. I pointed out autism as a possibility because this particular type of internal war is one many autistics have had to deal with, including myself. I never had to deal with the Pearl stuff specifically, but the conflict about personality, desperately needing to know what people expect lest things go belly-up, and feeling like you should do better and be perfect and maybe be pushed to do so if necessary while at the same time worrying that you won’t live up to those imposed standards and get in trouble a lot? Those things are all things that many autistic people have had to deal with, and I mentioned the autism stuff because there might be some undiagnosed autistics who were drawn to this post because they can relate to it. The question, “What Kind of Girl am I”, makes it even more likely autistic eyes will be drawn to this post, because many autistic people ask themselves that question – “What am I?”, in various forms and wordings.

    Whether or not this particular girl is autistic, I want other autistics who don’t know they are autistic to be able to see this – it’s a lot easier for an autistic to understand themselves when they know they are autistic. I seriously doubt the girl who wrote the letter will read this post, but a) I suspect this particular letter is real because I doubt the Pearls would empathize with such a struggle and it probably wouldn’t compute with them, and b) many autistics know a personality struggle similar to the one outlined in that letter.

  • texassa

    Young women, the first step on the path to adulthood is to think for yourself. Who cares what this woman thinks about “types of women” or personality traits or anything else? If you want to be a grown up, think for yourself. Asking questions on a website about who you are is a sure indicator you are moving backwards on the childhood-to-adulthood scale.