Quoting Quiverfull: Miserable Wives Obey Lying Emotions?

Quoting Quiverfull: Miserable Wives Obey Lying Emotions? September 30, 2017

Lori Alexanders Brainby Lori Alexander from The Transformed Wife – Women Obey Their Lying Emotions

Editor’s note: After posting a bunch of repeated themes that were largely uninteresting this week Lori decides to support Doug Wilson, a pastor that married a young girl to a convicted sex offender. Remember a few days ago when Doug started another fictional correspondence with a ‘miserable wife’? That is the thing Lori is praising and quoting to prop up her own toxic theology on marriage. Birds of a feather I guess.

Negative emotions are so frightening and threatening in the cult. Whoever said you have to do what your emotions call for in every situation? It’s human have moments of disappointment, or feeling bad or miserable. The important thing with emotions are to acknowledge them, not necessarily be blown about by them or immediately act on emotion.

Women are 70% more likely to divorce their husbands than husbands divorcing their wives. Their husbands aren’t meeting up to the expectations they have created and these false expectations are tearing apart their families. Many women don’t believe they need men in their lives anymore and can do it on their own but sadly, they find out quickly that it’s not that easy. Douglas Wilson wrote this article about an entirely fictitious person but I can tell you that it fits me almost to a tee and I am sure it does many of you as well.

From the day Ken married me, I knew he loved me but he didn’t show it to me in the way I wanted him to show it. Therefore, I would be continually upset with him when he wasn’t acting like I wanted him to act and I wasn’t getting my way. These feelings would swirl in my mind until I made a mountain out of a molehill and spewed my irrational contempt towards him in a fit of anger. Then I would give him the silent treatment until he apologized appropriately. I was allowing my lying emotions to destroy our relationship.

Ken tried to speak truth into my life but for some reason I was deaf to what he said. He would say the same things over and over again but my emotions and feelings blinded me to my sin so we would continually argue about them. He was a good man. He worked hard. He was faithful to me. He deeply loved his children and was very involved in their lives but I all I could see were his faults and my emotional lies.

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

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  • SAO

    Well, it wouldn’t surprise me if Lori had some mental health problem, like bipolar, which would make her experience pretty useless, if the best advice for someone like her is seek professional help.

  • AFo

    Well considering Lori is still a miserable, hyper-critical nag, she hasn’t learned a damn thing except how to put on a show for Ken and spew her bile to anonymous women on the internet.

  • pagankitty

    I wish women were held to the same low standards men were. Then it would basically be “the house isn’t in complete shambles, there’s something to eat every night, she doesn’t cheat on me, and she loves the kids”. Instead women must fulfill all of their husbands emotional and sexual needs while getting none of theirs fulfilled, they must be sexy so their husbands don’t cheat on them, they must be modest and demure so that no one thinks about having sex with them, the house must be perfect, the kids must be perfect, they must read their bible, they must not pretend to know what god wants, etc, etc, etc. But guys get to just have a job and not cheat and we’re supposed to worship the ground they tread on

  • thatotherjean

    “From the day Ken married me, I knew he loved me but he didn’t show it to me in the way I wanted him to show it.”

    Instead of getting mad at him for not being able to read your mind, you never considered talking to him about what you saw as a problem, and telling him what you’d most appreciate? Why not? If he loved you, he’d certainly want to make you happy; but it’s hard to do that if he doesn’t know what it is that pleases you.

  • A. Noyd

    Right? It’s like these nitwits all discover the hard way that getting married doesn’t give you the power to read your spouse’s mind. So rather than doing the rational thing of putting their thoughts into words, they decide that the only way to get around this communication failure is to cram themselves into the prescribed roles of a single, extremely limited relationship model.

  • Mel

    Lori’s reading comprehension is quite poor. The HuffPo article she links for her claim that women are 70% more likely to initiate divorces than men doesn’t say that. The article says that 69% of divorces are initiated by wives and 31% by husbands.

    That means that women are twice as likely to initiate divorce than their husband which translates to 200% more likely to initiate divorces.

    Is there anything magical about the fact that women are twice as likely to initiate a divorce? Probably not. The question used was a forced choice question so women had to answer either “I initiated the divorce” or “My husband initiated the divorce”. This type of question is useful for raw statistics – but not the best for sussing out how divorces proceed since there is no “well, we were both pretty miserable and both decided to divorce” option.

  • Tawreos

    If he wasn’t showing you love the way you wanted him to, why on earth did you marry him? I am sure he wasn’t showing it to you before you got married so you should have known that he wouldn’t when you got married.

  • Tawreos

    You didn’t seriously expect her to read anything as liberal and worldly as The Huffington Post did you?

  • Almost a chimp

    I’ve just read the original article at Lori’s blog, and I’m glad I did, because otherwise I’d have missed possibly the funniest and least self-aware line that I’ve read in a long time.
    It’s right there in her first paragraph. Here’s Lori describing herself (emphasis mine)…..

    I was once a miserable wife.

    Past tense, Lori? Really?

    Anyway, once I could breathe again I read on. That is one mixed-up cult they live in. She talks of her and Ken going to counseling several times with what I took to be different counselors each time, but I assume the ‘counselors’ were amateur meddlers from within the cult rather than trained professionals, because I doubt that a whole host of professional counselors would time and again have…

    usually looked at Ken and told him to love me more…

    Really? I’m no expert on conflict resolution in relationships, much less a qualified counselor, but even I know that love doesn’t work that way, unlike the ‘older and wiser’ men (obviously more cult members) that Ken also talked to, only to get the same answer. It’s almost as though Lori was herself a god, with her priests demanding that she be loved.

    It then takes a curious and possibly sinister twist. Lori again, now telling how the counselors …

    … tried to figure out my childhood interferences..

    That’s..errm….an ambiguous use of ‘interferences’! Did she mean ‘influences’ or ‘experiences’, or is she telling us more about how the children trapped in that sickening world are abused than she intended to?

    How anybody can survive that screwed-up cult is beyond me.

  • smrnda

    From the day Ken married me, I knew he loved me but he didn’t show it to me in the way I wanted him to show it.

    If someone does not show you ‘love’ in the way you want to be shown love, how do you know they love you? I can get saying ‘this person loves me, I know it because of A,B,C but they really need to work on X,Y,Z.’ Maybe I just don’t believe that saying ‘I love you’ or ‘I want to marry you’ magically means love, but my take is that somebody has to deliver in the goods in at least some capacity.

    There’s also nothing wrong with going ‘hey, you know, you could really do THIS and it would make a big difference.’

  • smrnda

    I need to find it but I read that in some cases, ‘file for divorce’ is the job that gets dumped on women in the same way that ‘go buy groceries’ or ‘pick up kids from school’ gets dumped on women. That both parties know the marriage isn’t working, but that (for various reasons) the woman is more likely to be the one filing.

    Another factor is that many men are going to think everything is going just fine, even when it’s not.

  • Anonyme

    Not necessarily true. My dad is an expert narcissist and manipulator. He treated my mom like a queen when they were dating and engaged but days after the honeymoon began treating her as a live-in maid and being very unloving (and eventually emotionally/verbally abusive) toward her, which continued until she divorced him after almost 40 years. She didn’t tell me this to spite my father, btw, because she’s not like him. It was merely a cautionary tale. Unfortunately my dad was a bully to me, too, so I didn’t need any warning against making sure you know as much about a person’s true self as possible.

    TL;DR: some (wo)men can charm or fool a person into a relationship before showing their true selves, and then they have someone to control.

  • mashava

    What anonyme said, and also Quiverfull marry after courting for a week (basically). A few months isn’t enough to know anyone

  • Mel

    I believe Lori reads HuffPo all_the_time. I think a lot of these CP/QF bloggers use their blogs as a rationale for massively consuming the forbidden fruit of the corrupted world.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    Hang on, so when did Lori actually become a “transformed wife”? And is all this “transformed wife” BS because Ken browbeat (or just beat) her into submission?

  • ShaLaLa

    Yeah… I think I would rather go the route of actually communicating with my partner and carefully maintaining the foundation of mutual trust, respect, and care that our egalitarian relationship is built on. I find that that pretty much clears up the issues Lori touches on here and we BOTH get to be happy and feel loved and respected. Way better deal.

  • thatotherjean

    Unfortunately, that applies to both spouses.

  • thatotherjean

    Especially not under the conditions of “courting.”

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    She claims to have read Debi Pearl’s book ‘Created To Be A Help Meet’ over ten years ago and that she became fully submissive shortly thereafter. I do know she says on her blog and in her book that she and Ken fought like crazy from the beginning of their dating. There were tons of red flags about the relationship well before they married.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    In retrospect, Ken’s description of what a “loving” husband does combined with Lori’s description of the relationship makes me think that Debi’s book had a lot less to do with it than she makes out, and Ken rather more.

  • bekabot

    Yes, well, Lori, your expectations might have been more realistic had you accepted from the get-go the fact that your husband was just a human man and couldn’t give you a purpose in life or make you whole…and that the fact that he didn’t do either one of these things wasn’t because he was being a jackass or because you weren’t worthy or because he thought you weren’t worthy but because he didn’t have supernatural powers. And (as far as I can tell) this is something you’ve never gotten through your skull. Instead of realizing that your husband isn’t God, you’ve simply stopped expecting to interact with a God who wants what’s best for you and who’s on your side, settling instead for a God who doesn’t care much about you (because He doesn’t care much about women) and is distant and hard to please.

    (Characteristics, BTW, which I’m not attributing to Ken Alexander specifically; they’re the characteristics which women who are caught up in man-worshipping societies typically attribute to men.)

    Your emotions have not gone away, nor have they changed. The only difference (again as far as I can see) is that your husband (lucky man) is no longer their target. Which is a circumstance of which I’m not complaining: at least somebody came out ahead.

  • Almost a chimp

    They have to find things to condemn somewhere, and it’s not like they physically leave their bubbles.
    Maybe someone could point her to ‘The Onion’ website; she’d find plenty to hate on there :-))

  • Debbie Holt

    I completely agree!

  • Debbie Holt

    It’s people like Lori and her husband that give Christians such a bad name. Why would anyone want to follow Christ along with judgmental, hateful folks like Lori?Thankfully, Jesus is all about live, grace, mercy, hope, and forgiveness. This is something Lori and Ken know very little about, sadly.

  • Debbie Holt

    I thought the same thing! She does need real, true professional help, and NOT from the counselors in her cult.

  • In LJF the other day, there was a conversation about how even feminist husbands tend not to do household chores until they are told to–which means that, in addition to doing her share of the household chores, the wife must also be the only one planning out and delegating those chores.

    I pointed out that this would be considered unacceptable in a teenage girl or an unmarried adult of either primary gender, and that the real problem there is that men need to learn to just do a thing when they notice that it needs doing. As I put it there: “If my younger brother can clean his apartment from top to bottom every weekend as a bachelor, then a married man can damned well do the occasional chore without needing to be told.”

  • “I was once a miserable wife. Then my husband died in a car accident.”

  • Almost a chimp

    That reminds me of the woman going through the gates of a health spa just as a funeral cortage passes by. The woman turns to face the passing cars with her head bowed. Another woman leaving the gates noticed this and said how rare it was to see such a show of respect nowadays.
    “Well, it was the least I could do” she replied, “after 30 years of marriage”.

  • Astrin Ymris

    I Googled, and found this:


    Reading between the lines, if the man initiates a divorce because he wants to marry his mistress and/or trade in Wife # 1 for a newer model, he going to be hosed in the settlement. But if he can “persuade” his wife into being the one doing the filing, he has a better chance of getting to keep more of “his” money in the settlement negotiations.

    I don’t say that this explains all of the discrepancy, but I’d be surprised if this wasn’t a factor in enough cases to impact the statistics… especially given that in non-married couples both genders are equally likely to dump their partner. The fact that women are more likely to file the paperwork doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re the one who wanted out of the relationship first.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Exactly! How come most of the articles present this as “Women are expecting too much” rather than “Men are doing too little”, even in ostensibly mainstream media sources? Or point out the fact that women have more financial options today as a negative thing?

  • pagankitty

    That is for sure true. Along with “husband does 10-20% of household chores” == “husband and wife share chores equally”. I think a large part of this problem is due to guys not being taught this shit as kids and so the wife either has to mother the husband and teach him basic shit, or she has to do it herself. Neither of which are ideal.

  • Or worse: they learn to do it for when they live alone, but have so internalized the idea that it’s “women’s work” that they don’t even think about doing it anymore once they get married.

  • Ruth Anastacia Adamcik

    This is similar to the statistic that most women file/sue for divorce. This statistic does not take into account what happened up to the point of a formal divorce filing. It also does not take into account when spouses sue each other for divorce, and the court decides which filing has merit. My experience was that ex-husband sought legal counsel first; he and his lawyer drew up a separation agreement that was never filed in court (it was more informal, and it also violated my rights in a divorce.) In response, my lawyer filed a formal suit for divorce on my behalf against ex-husband. Then ex-husband’s lawyer answered with a formal suit for divorce. As I had real evidence of adultery and chronic health problems (which caused ex-husband to be more abusive towards me and which he tried to represent as untrue), my suit was accepted over his. A divorce situation is not so cut-and-dried as survey questions and research into divorce filings would lead us to believe.

  • Quinsha

    I divorced my husband. I had the false expectation that he wouldn’t beat me to within an inch of my life.

  • bluedragonfly02

    “Many women don’t believe they need men in their lives anymore and can do it on their own but sadly, they find out quickly that it’s not that easy.”

    Bitch, it’s *exactly* that easy.