Dad Stopped Beating Mom Because Bible – Lori Alexander’s Commenters

Dad Stopped Beating Mom Because Bible – Lori Alexander’s Commenters May 11, 2018

Much of what has been posted at Lori Alexander’s blog The Transformed Wife this week has been largely uninteresting. Even more so than the usual parade of don’t divorce, don’t teach men, submit, submit, submit. Eye-rollingly dull. Until I saw this comment on a piece by Lori on how some women have the audacity to be feminists AND Christians. The crux of everything seems to be she is upset that these Christian Feminists (likely only in her mind) is that they accuse of her saying to stay with an abusive husband. She denies this. One of her commenters tells of tale of how her dad stopped beating mom, and how happy they were.

Here’s the comment on the post about Biblical Feminists –

Sorry, still not buying it. Most organizations that track abuse in marriage have statistics showing that the abuse usually escalates until one of two things happens. Either the abuse becomes so intense the victim leaves, or the victim ends up dead. Even this story had escalating violence and divorce before that happy and likely fictional ending.

Lori’s denial of her words is pretty breathtaking. Here’s a screen cap of something she said concerning divorcing because of physical abuse:

Does Lori’s Facebook comment sound like the words of someone that thinks abuse must not lead to divorce? Looks like no divorce ever from here. She’s copying her idol Debi Pearl in saying that it’s alright to separate from your abuser but that you must not divorce him, you must give him endless opportunities to repent. That is a recipe for dead women and children. When your theology has a body count you should rethink what it is you believe.

If you are being abused, or your children are being abused please get out! Listening to Lori Alexander and her fan girls will just lead to more abuse.

Pssst, Lori, this is what it looks like when you do not erase links to organizations to help your readers struggling with life and death situations. (Back story – Lori Alexander once erased suicide hotline numbers out of her blog comments aimed towards a suicidal commenter)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline – (800) 799.7233 


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  • Anonyme

    “Somehow I knew he [the commenter’s father] loved her”.

    This one line shows how the commenter must have normalized her father’s abusive behavior to cope with what she saw. It sounds very close to a victim denying abuse by saying that the abuser isn’t ALWAYS horrible, so it must mean (s)he loves the victim deep inside.

    Abusers rarely, if ever, change, and the advice to keep praying, submitting, and accepting abuse is a a scare tactic designed to keep women (and children) in a toxic relationship. Placing the edicts of a book written thousands of years ago above the sanity and safety of a human being makes me stabby. (I know WE all know this…but to see that this thinking is to an even larger audience because of social media, is alarming).

    Do I believe in God? Yes, but I do not believe in a God who would find subjecting women and children to suffering just to uphold the alleged “sanctity” of an abusive marriage.

  • LaMaria

    It’s possible that this story happened and the lady just happens to have omitted the part where a judge made daddy go to detox and anger management therapy. People can definitely change, but they won’t do so as long as they wait for their god to fix things.
    Also: I agree that people in abusive situations should try to get out but please note that separation is the most dangerous time for any victim. Prepare if you can. Lack of money and shelter often drive victims back to their abusers. Abusers can be terribly charming and set the entire extended family against a fleeing victim. And being found can be lethal. You don’t deserve abuse just because you haven’t found a way to safety (yet).

  • Taffy Hunter Mathison

    More then likely the lack of physical abuse made the mom and child diminish the effects of verbal, emotional, financial etc. abuse. Just because he isn’t hitting anymore doesn’t mean he isn’t abusive!!!

  • Taya

    Growls… does she have any idea how many abusers actually change their behavior?? Its minuscule.

    I’ve seen one, period.. one… out of tons of abuse cases. It required him giving up alcohol, dropping the people he was around condoning it, the victim spending time in a mental hospital then 6 months in another state, and involving the military and intense therapy for both. Thats one success, its not the rule, it’s a fucking outlier. More people will die trying to fix an abuser than I will ever see change in my lifetime…

    and so I tell anyone, man, woman, child… your not indebted to them, any vows you took are null the moment abuse happens, your chances of fixing it are lower than getting hit by lightning multiple times… AND YOU DESERVE A BETTER LIFE.

    If you think it won’t get worse, your wrong.. what starts as one slap will likely end in a beating you dont get up from.

    Think a baby will help? It won’t, an abuser will take a baseball bat to a pregnant woman, and then likely turn on kids.

    Those kids will suffer and that cycle will begin again. If you cant walk away for you do it for them. There are shelters, programs, help in your community… use it.

    MEN.. yes, you can be abuse victims too, by men and woman. No you dont deserve it and dont let anyones ignorant words convince you otherwise. Reach out, if someone says get over it, go to someone else. Do that until they listen. Men have a hard time getting help, keep trying.

    Ok insane rant over. Sorry.

  • Julia Childress

    I have a friend, mother of three, who was married to a raging alcoholic. He was a great guy, talented artist, kids’ sports coach – everything good. Until he started drinking. She tolerated his abuse for about 12 years, then one day she had enough, packed up herself and the kids, and moved out. He was devastated. He checked himself into rehab the next day, and he never touched another drop of alcohol. About six months after rehab she moved with the kids back into the family home and they remained happily together for about ten more years, when he died from liver and lung cancer. In my whole long life, this is the only example that I have ever heard of where someone just cold-turkey quits drinking and beating his wife. I’m sure there are others, but would you risk your health and safety, and that of your children in order to stay with a habitual abuser? Or, what if it were your daughter? It may be easy to glibly claim that God can change people, but I wonder if Lori and Debi would sing a different tune if one of them saw one of their precious daughters with a busted lip and two black eyes, fearing for her life.

  • Taya

    Exactly, it’s a gamble and one with low odds. Even with my one experience in an abuser changing, I wont for anything use that as a reason for anyone to try. It’s not worth it. I’m happy there are the occasional examples of real change, I’m happy those people can become better… but that’s just an exception that can cause more harm than good. Too many people think well.. there’s a story about a guy changing.. so I can change him… no. Just no. And when that change does happen, the victim is still hurt, they are always on guard, and they have no option but to stay strong and follow their safety if there’s even a minor slip.

  • Saraquill

    Isn’t remarrying a person you previously divorced one of those obscure Bible rules?

  • Saraquill

    I’m remembering the sentiment “it’s not abuse, it’s love” flung at me. A lot. @#$%

  • Saraquill

    No need to apologize. I’ve encountered too many people who refuse to believe abuse exists outside of male attacker, female victim dynamics. It’s bad enough people who don’t fit this mold get less help. Worse, I’ve seen people loudly proclaim to support abuse victims and mock the ones who don’t fit gender stereotypes, all in the same breath. For me it got so bad I call it secondary victimization.

  • Atheisticus

    These people live in a bubble where everyone who turns to God for help receives it and is completely faithful to the church’s teaching and never does anything wrong ever again. Ever. Because unlike the rest of humanity, they become perfect because they’re always completely sincere in their conversion. Just like all their children who vow to never, ever have premarital sex until suddenly one day they need an abortion, because, their boyfriend wasn’t quite as God fearing as Mom and Dad thought, and since Princess never had any kind of sex education, she didn’t know any better.

  • Saraquill

    There’s a fourth way out. I was in an abusive relationship with a rather lazy asshole. I refused to break up with him as I didn’t see it ending well. Fortunately for me, he refused to contact me for months on end as sending so much as an email was just too much effort on his part (sarcasm.) He eventually broke up with me via an email which proclaimed how much better he was than me. The spelling was horrendous.

    All that said, I do not recommend others hold out for similar results.

  • SAO

    From the NYT’s opinion piece on churches and domestic abuse, May 10: “Steven Tracy, a professor of theology and ethics at Phoenix Seminary in Arizona, who wrote in 2007: “It is widely accepted by abuse experts (and validated by numerous studies) that one-fourth to one-third of North American women will be assaulted by an intimate partner in their life time and that evangelical men who sporadically attend church are more likely than men of any other religious group (and more likely than secular men) to assault their wives.””

    It further noted that there isn’t enough evidence to prove the claim that men who regularly go to evangelical church abuses their wives less than non-churchgoing men or men who go to other churches. The theology is toxic and that has real consequences for women.

  • Taya

    That’s another outlier I think… and a new one for me. I’m sorry for your experience, but I am glad your out of it.. and without violence. Seriously though, I hate those men who have to repair their pride by bashing their ex partner, I know why they do it but the level of pathetic is astounding.

  • SAO

    Most of the stories I’ve heard about alcoholics who reformed are men whose wives made credible threats to leave them, not the result of prayer. And I might note, a lot of CPM theology says that the husband is the wife’s “covering”, with the implication that God pays a lot more attention to his prayers.

  • Taya

    I’ve made it a life goal to combat that stereotyping and.. well.. harassment really. The concept that gender makes one impervious to abuse, rape, or violence of any type. I’m equally angered by the idea that women cannot be abusers in people’s minds. Yes, there needs to be more improvement in how abuse to women is handled, but there must be equal improvement in how people not fitting those stereotypes is handled. There is no way that going after these victims in an attempt to force them into line is ever going to be helpful. I can understand the anger one encounters in men a lot of time, it can look like hypocrisy, and its unfair to always classify women as victims and men as abusers. I’m sorry you had such an awful experience, and honestly I’m glad you took a moment to respond to me, its encouraging to hear from people who see the issue and those who have overcome dealing with it. Thank you.

  • vaiyt

    If that person’s parents were Christian long before they were married, why didn’t the Bible prevent the abuse from happening in the first place?

  • AFo

    Just because Lori and her idol Debi didn’t leave their miserable, horrendous marriages, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to follow their lead. Staying with an abuser doesn’t make you “godly,” it makes you more likely to end up dead.

  • JetGirl

    I am getting increasingly worried that Aunt Lori’s views will become everyone’s reality in this country. Anyone else?

  • Falconlights

    Me, too!!

  • Amy Griffin

    I just made a post on the her blog post. She’s probably going to call me a rebellious feminist because I divorced the man that was abusing me. My post as follows: The Transformed Wife, has not been transformed by Jesus. Go and sin no more is not the gospel by which we are saved. I read the exert of her book. Nowhere does her testimony show Godly sorrow that worketh repentance unto salvation. Michael and Debbie Pearl are false works salvationist, which are her supposed inspiration. This is just one of the false teaching that Lori teaches other women. Women cannot divorce for physical abuse, nor is she to remarry.
    This is my comment on her blog post to a poor woman who said a woman left because the husband was physically abusing her and her children. Calling the police is not always safe or wise, or optional. Especially when dealing with lost police and abuse is happing because of your faith. I know, I was there, and I left and divorced and remarried.
    “Don’t listen to Lori, physical abuse is a reason to divorce, in the King James Bible God hates the violent man. Psalm 11:5- The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth violence his soul hateth. God divorced Israel when they worshipped other gods. Divorce is not a sin, sin leads to divorce. Abuse is a sign of devil possession, you are to leave, protect yourself and children. You are supposed to purge the evil among you. I am appalled at the comment Lori left. You are justifying the wicked at that point. Paul said that if the unbelieving depart you are not in bondage anymore. The abusive spouse has broken the vows and therefore you are not in bondage anymore and are free to remarry in the Lord. I was abused for my faith by my ex and divorced him, then remarried in the Lord. Jesus has blessed me through that time, he provided all my needs and gave me a way to escape. In the OT God commanded the Israelites to divorce their strange wives, because they were bringing in wicked and worshipping other gods. A man who is abusing his wife and children is worshipping the devil, the Bible says to depart from the unclean thing, to be ye separate, purge the wicked from among you and do not return to the wicked. That would be as the bible says a sow that returns to her mire.”

  • Saraquill

    That’s why I’m fighting.

  • yulaffin

    Maybe they weren’t the “right’ kind of Christians.

  • Morgan Lefaye

    “Lori Alexander” means “mother of Satan” in the Black Speech of Mordor.

  • bekabot

    Bah. It wasn’t God or the Bible which changed this man’s ways, it was the State, in both the broader and the narrower sense. It was publicity, the opinion of the neighbors, the opinion of the community, the guy’s personal business being broadcast on the evening news in a way which was not flattering to him, the laws which enabled his wife to divorce him (which alerted him to the fact that he could lose her in such a way that she’d remain alive), and his own wish to keep out of trouble and stay out of jail (so, laws again). Without these factors, and considering the way(s) in which physical abuse usually escalates, the dude would most likely just keep putting his wife into the hospital (because he’d lack incentives not to) and (possibly) eventually he’d put her into the ground.

    Just saying.

  • Astreja

    Taya: “…any vows you took are null the moment abuse happens…”

    This. There is no obligation to stay in any relationship where your partner is hurting you in any way.

  • Ruthitchka

    “Lack of money and shelter…” I am so very glad I have a career and was able to get away safely. I don’t wish abuse on anyone, but if you have a steady income, it is easier (usually) to start over.

    In today’s economy I’d suggest both spouses always have job skills anyway, even in a good marriage with zero abuse.

  • Ruthitchka

    Sometimes alcoholics reform after their wives start living better lives independent of them–attending Al-Anon meetings, getting a job, going out with friends, etc. These men realize their wives no longer need them and don’t have reasons to stay stuck.

  • LaMaria

    Totally. But that’s not the fundagelical ideal – and often not financially feasible if you have several young kids who’d need daycare.

  • Ilene

    Even if this story is real, even if he really did change and is one of the few (3%) who do, it has nothing to do with being willing to let God change him. He had to want it and will to change himself. And he had to get up every morning and face the day with the same strength of will. I have lived the nightmare of emotional abuse and betrayal for a marriage that lasted over 20 years. I was willing to let God change him over and over and over and over and over. I was assured that if I just hoped, just had faith enough, just prayed, just submitted more, yada, yada. I endangered myself with exposure to STDs and financial ruin and destruction of a reputation and children living in poverty and lack of everything and by the end wanted to put a gun to my head. He sat in church every Sunday pretending to be a changed man. My experience of divorce has be a sweet release for both myself and my children. My experience is the norm when dealing with abusers, especially those in the church, because the church will next to never believe or help the woman. No woman should have to face the prospect of beatings and possible death, no woman should be driven to wish death for herself to find release. And no loving god would ask that of anyone.

  • Ilene

    Not enough faith and prayer of course.

  • Ilene

    I love how these studies always point out that those who sporadically attend church are more likely to abuse. It is more like the wives of those who regularly attend are more likely to be silent. Who will believe them if they speak up about Mr. Godly man who is sitting in the pew every Sunday and helping with AWANA?

  • Ilene

    If they have married someone else then yes, it is wrong, but only if you are a woman.

  • Ilene

    Yes, she sounds like a victim even as she is trying to praise what happened. I wonder if she knows enough to realize that.

  • Ilene

    No woman should take a gamble that her relationship is in the 3%.