Sex Before Marriage is Playing Russian Roulette?

Sex Before Marriage is Playing Russian Roulette? September 10, 2018
Screen cap from YouTube video

This bit of fear mongering over no sex before marriage turned up on the Ladies Against Feminism website. It’s from a blog titled Loving Life at Home and is written by Jennifer Flanders. Jennifer goes on to take the term used to represent female enpowerment by the Spice Girls to push the Quiverfull ideas of no sex. She titled these scare tactics “Don’t Waste Your Girl Power” Somehow I don’t think the Spice Girls would approve of claiming that sex before marriage is playing Russian roulette in any part of ‘Girl Power’

This idea that is preached, that you are to be as sexless as a plastic molded Barbie doll right up until the moment someone slips a wedding ring on your finger. Then you are supposed to summon up the sexual talent to leap into bed to embrace a full physical intimacy. It’s a silly idea. Unrealistic since people cannot switch their sexualities on and off like lamps. Take the young inexperienced sheltered girls of Quiverfull and it adds another layer of impossible.

Sexuality does not act like dynamite or playing games with guns. Expressing your sexual self isn’t going to ruin your life or set you up to have a life of ill health or a horrible marriage. You cannot save up your, how did she put it? Vivacious energy? Nothing will be missing later if you express your own sexual needs.

Remember this, near everything taught about sex in Quiverfull is about as far from established truth, scientific, or psychological. This is pure poison.

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NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

I Fired God by Jcoelyn Zichtermann

13:24 A Dark Thriller by M Dolon Hickmon

About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping ithe plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. You can read more about the author here.
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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Anri

    Perhaps I’m misunderstanding, but Ms. Flanders appears to be describing women’s sexual power entirely in the capacity of being alluring to evangelical men.
    I’m not sure it would be possible to miss the point more thoroughly.

    For the record, Ms. Flanders, “sexual power” isn’t an RPG stat that gives you the “ensnare man” skill. And it doesn’t come with ammo check boxes.

  • Mel

    I had a very similar thought about her confusion over “sexual power” and how it sounded like a weird video game stat. It reminded me of the handful of “special” shooting tricks that each player gets at a laser tag game. It was worth saving the one that acted like a hand grenade and automatic shooting burst until you were in the middle of a bunch of the opposing team – but somehow I think the author would object to that as well….

  • otrame

    Yeah, because the only value a woman has is to be a life support system for a vagina and attached uterus that are the exclusive property of a man.

  • When I first read claims on the internet that sexuality was not a switch you can turn on and off, I wondered whether or not it would be awkward after I got married. (In my old church, chastity was enforced for both men and women; still misogynistic af, though.)

    Even before I read about it on the internet, I thought about something Margaret Mead wrote about Melanesia: there were taboos requiring the sexes to be separate, and even looking at the opposite sex was taboo. Nevertheless, they recognized the sex drive. Thus, folks, regardless of gender, were encouraged to masturbate, and single men had homosexual flings, in full knowledge of the community. (They were not necessarily gay in the Western sense of the world.) They eventually have heterosexual marriages, and things are awkward for them at first.

    Thus, I wondered whether or not marriage would be awkward.

  • mordred

    “…bright, beautifull, well adjusted children.”

    Why does this decriptions give me the creeps?

  • SAO

    95% of Americans have premarital sex. If any of the CPM fear-mongering were true, 95% of marriages and children in America would be ”damaged”. In short, there’s a wealth of evidence saying premarital sex is not a problem.

    The most conservative states (Alabama and Arkansas) have divorce rates twice as high as some of the most liberal states (Massachusetts and NJ), suggesting that waiting until marriage leads people to marry before they have the maturity to do so and that people in the grip of unsatisfied sexual urges often make poor decisions.

    In short, try before you buy!

  • Tawreos

    It almost sounds like she thinks that there is only a finite amount of sexuality, otherwise it couldn’t be squandered. I am also not sure how a woman would necessarily not be able to have good health, lasting love, a stable marriage and children just because she had experienced one or even multiple penises prior to marriage. Oops, I forgot to factor in christian shame and guilt for enjoying something that they believe is a no-no.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    And also the fact that they take for granted that all men fetishize virginity (ew) and so assume that being sexually inexperienced will make a woman less attractive.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Seriously. I mean, to each their own but if anything seems like “Russian Roulette” it’s waiting until after marriage to find out if you connect sexually with the person you just took vows to spend a lifetime with.

  • Saraquill

    Is she aware that some women who don’t have sex with men before marriage are gay, asexual or other kinds of queer? Would she applaud them for doing as she preaches, or faint that they don’t fit with her worldview?

  • AFo

    I’m reminded of General Ripper in Dr. Strangelove believing that his “essence” was being drained by fluoride in the water, and he first noticed it when he was trying to get it on and couldn’t perform. Hilarious in that context, not so much when you use it to shame girls and women into believing that they’re only worth a damn if their genitals are untouched.

  • AFo

    Well, the QF idea of “bright, beautiful, well-adjusted children” is “obedient automatons who never question anything.”

  • bekabot

    This makes me think of a story I heard, which may or may not be true. The story is that President (ugh) Trump never exercises, and that the reason he gives for not exercising is that each person is charged up (like a battery) with a certain amount of energy at birth, so that the person’s object ought to be to hoard his energy and not waste it. Those who hoard their energy best will live longest. Assuming the story is true, it sounds like this idea is not confined to President Trump alone.

  • persephone

    Of course, the women who buy into this and/or have it forced on them can never complain, because if they did they’d be shown as failures, sinners, fake Christians. Nice Catch-22 you got there CPM.

  • The quiverfull movement is one day going to end up like the Shakers, extinct.

  • Martin Penwald

    Indeed, I’ve heard that Trump seems to believe that.

  • Julia Childress

    I think that Bright, Beautiful Well-Adjusted Children was the sequel to The Stepford Wives.

  • Freodin

    It’s all about “Sex is bad, mkay”. Everything else is just an attempt to sound reasonable.

  • Aibrean

    I read just the title and it immediately occurred to me that the real sexual Russian roulette is for fundagelical women – will she get pregnant (again) and how much damage will the pregnancy do, whether that’s physical, emotional or psychological damage, to her or to her children. The only one not at risk is the husband.

    Now to read the post.

  • Aibrean

    It’s not an idea unique to Trump. I teach EFL, and a textbook I used a few years ago had a reading exercise about a scientist who believed that. He wasn’t completely anti-exercise, but thought that things like marathons were really dangerous because they seriously depleted the ‘battery’.

    Since I couldn’t remember the guy’s name, I googled ‘the human body has a finite amount of energy’, and, except for one quora post about maintaining energy levels throughout the day, the first three pages and most of the next few were all about this opinion of Trump and all the ways it’s wrong. I gave up looking for the scientist at that point.

  • Carstonio

    “Sexual power” is probably the old myth that marriage is trading sex for financial security, like the man will keep a roof over their heads as long as he’s satisfied in bed. But my mischievous side imagines the woman’s genitalia as looking like an electrical outlet and the man’s as resembling a plug.

  • Kevin K

    And “why buy a cow when it’s giving the milk away for free”.

  • Carstonio

    It’s not quite that simple. It’s all about the sexist belief that a woman’s job is to provide children for a husband. She has to enter the marriage pure as the driven snow, otherwise the husband will be haunted by the fear that her children aren’t really his, like he’s a feudal lord who has to ensure the succession.

  • IM

    “bright, beautiful, and well adjusted children.”

    Excuse me, did you mean blond haired, blue-eyed robots to carry out the good Lords work?

  • paganheart

    That is exactly what they mean.

  • Aloha

    I heard her describing the economic value of women’s sexuality, then encouraging us not to squander that economic value.
    Get married first! And ensure that he pays …

  • Aloha

    Teen moms have ugly kids?
    You can’t predict your kids’ appearances, but hopefully we can understand that they’re all beautiful!

  • texassa

    I doubt that 95% figure anyway. It is likely higher.

  • SAO

    I got it from the Guttmacher institute. It’s worth remembering that this figure includes all the people who married before the sexual revolution, which took a number of years to be widespread. If you assume this is about the same as those 65 or older, then that’s 15% of the population.

  • heleninedinburgh

    It makes me think of The Midwich Cuckoos.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    This is very similar to the prevailing medical belief about longevity in the Middle Ages. The actual fucking Middle Ages. (Yes, I like to study this stuff.)

  • RetroPam

    Related: You may well find this interesting:

    ‘Pure’ Sheds Light On Sexual Shaming In Evangelical Purity Movement

  • lady_black

    What needs to be said is that you spend most of your married life NOT having sex. Sooner or later, you have to leave the bedroom and you better have a lot more going on than that.

  • lady_black

    Not a cow, and not for sale.

  • lady_black

    I call them the Junior Anti-Sex League.

  • lady_black

    The purity movement is all about the conservation of feelings. Put that way, it sounds kind of silly, doesn’t it? If you’ve ever had romantic feelings for anyone other than your spouse, you are depriving him of something.
    Emotions don’t work that way. That’s as simple-minded as claiming you can only have one child. Or only have one friend, because if you have more than one, they get robbed.
    When it comes to love, there’s always room for more, and no one is being robbed of anything.

  • lady_black

    As someone who spent a career caring for the elderly, I can tell you that sexuality has no expiration date, is not finite, and never disappears (so long as one enjoys relative good health).

  • lady_black

    Premarital sex was never a problem for me!

  • lady_black

    Or expecting that to turn on like a light switch once the minister tells you it’s OK.

  • lady_black

    ANYTHING is going to be awkward the first few times. Riding a bicycle, learning to ice skate, or swing dancing. Sex is no different. Practice makes perfect, and communication is really, REALLY important in any non-solo activity.

  • bekabot

    Speaking from personal experience, I have to say that I think the “Damn it, I’ve been cheated!!” emotion or reaction comes first. (I say this because I’m prone to it.) The rest of the business (“hoarding makes you rich, he who dies with the most toys wins, there’s only winners and losers, and the person who cares the least wins the pot”) is a rationalization, a creation of the forebrain cooked up after the fact to vindicate an afflicted amygdala. JMO.

    The rationalization may invoke religion, or it may not, according to taste, but it’s pretty much the same justification either way. (The Art of the Deal is a book-length example; and so, no doubt, are some of the works of the men who get reamed on this blog. So much for the question of how Evangelicals can find it possible to support Trump — it would be weird if they didn’t support him, since he’s such a devout believer in their gospel.)

  • That makes me think of advice to just start speaking new languages with speakers, that mistakes are ok. (For example, inability to produce sounds just gives you an accent, which can be cool. *puts on sunglasses*)