If Your Husband is a Porn Addict You Cannot Leave

If Your Husband is a Porn Addict You Cannot Leave February 24, 2020

This turned up in a Facebook group today. It is a post from disgusting Larry Solomon of Biblieal Gender Roles not only rationalizing porn usage, but excusing the worst of it. According to Larry in this post from 2016 titled “10 Hard Truths  that Christian Wives Must Accept About Their Husbands and Porn”

Newsflash Larry! The only things in life one must accept is staying their ethnicity, paying taxes and death. Everything else is literally open to change or interpretation. Including where your line of acceptability is, what you can or will accept in the behavior of a spouse. Larry does not seem to understand its healthy and normal to hav boundaries with the behaviors of others in our lives.

Larry spends a lot of words telling wives that as long as Mr. Wrong is bringing home a paycheck, and not depriving you of sex you have no right to divorce him for turning into a porn-devouring machine. He even goes so far as to claim that if the kids aren’t seeing his collection of “Jugs” magazines laying around then no one is harmed. Then he follows all of that by comparing liking porn to being a functional alcoholic.

“Is there any instance where a husband’s porn habit would cause direct damage to his family? Yes. If a man leaves out nude magazines or leaves movies laying around where young children would be exposed to them this would not be a healthy environment mentally speaking for children to be in. But if a Christian woman’s husband engaged in his porn habit with discretion away from the presence of his children then there is no danger to his children.

Again let’s say this was not a porn habit – if a man were what is known as a “functional alcoholic” where he never drives drunk and he keeps his drinking private and he still works and provides for his family then while this is still a problem it is not something that rises to the level of creating an unsafe environment either spiritually or physically for his family.”

First of all, not seeing the porn does not mean no one is harmed by it. Kids can pick up on tensions in the household between the parents without either parent saying a word. Add in a woman who is seriously grieved by her partner’s porn habits, and not able to paste on a happy face and pretend. The grievous harm pornography does to some men by causing them to commodify women in their own minds. It ruins relationships, and kills families sometimes where there is dissension over it. Not to mention the greater issues of sex trafficking and abuse of women to produce the porn.

That analogy of ‘functional alcoholic’ does not work either. You find that quite frequently these so-called functional alcoholics are anything but functional, sowing chaos, dysfunction and discord wherever they go. Most of them can pull off a normal facade only in small increments, and are surprised to find they’ll fooled no one.

“If a woman’s husband denies her sex as a result of his porn habit or for any other reason than that is cause for divorce. But if he regularly has sex with her but he also has a porn habit a Christian wife biblically speaking does not have cause for separation or divorce.”

Many churches, pastors and Christian ministries consider pornography to be the same as committing adultery, a breaking of the marriage vows. It can be considered a type of mental infidelity. This is usually the prevailing wisdom on pornography in most churches.

Larry-boy is a piggy, a piggy that wants his cake, wants to fondle that cake before eating it, but does not want poor beleaguered Mrs. Larry to say anything to him about it. Everything about this man screams sexual dysfunction. Yet again he is attempting to take something vile and justify it so he does not have to find guilty about it.

To use or not use pornography is something each couple has to decide before marriage. It should be discussed. The porn itself is not the problem, it’s the expectations. It’s not wrong for everyone, but there must be agreement, not this vile harassment over it. Larry also does not seem to understand that there are a number of women who enjoy erotic entertainment as well as men.

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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 33 years. You can read more about the author here.
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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Rann

    Slightly off-topic:

    Harvey Weinstein was found guilty 2 out of 5 charges
    http://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/harvey-weinstein-found-guilty-rape-landmark-metoo-era-case-n1137956

  • Brian Davis

    I wonder if Larry would be quite so indulgent if the husband was watching gay porn2? Or for that matter would the wife be justified in divorcing her husband if was “addicted” to watching The Atheist Experience on YouTube?

  • bekabot

    Again let’s say this was not a porn2 habit – if a man were what is known as a ‘functional alcoholic’ where he never drives drunk2 and he keeps his drinking private and he still works and provides for his family then while this is still a problem it is not something that rises to the level of creating an unsafe environment either spiritually or physically for his family.

    Short translation:

    “As long as I can convince the neighbors we’re okay, dear, you have no right to complain.”

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I am so happy!

  • Rann

    unfortunately, he wasn’t convicted of the charge that would send him to jail for life……

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Man, Team Nobody on this one. Obviously, Larry is a terrifying person but Christian teachings about porn69 also cause way more misery than porn69 itself. Every man who consumes any porn69 at all is a “porn69 addict,” it seems. If a “high functioning porn69 addict,” is a man (or a non-man) who watches porn69 but still has a healthy sex life and is present in all the important ways for his partner, family, friends, work etc., well, I call that guy a normal person. And, honestly, if the partner is having a meltdown over some innocuous porn69 usage and it’s causing tension in the family, that is not the porn69’s fault.

    And, honestly, I don’t think that a person’s porn69 usage gets to be decided by someone else. I think that’s controlling. I see porn69 usage as an extension of fantasy and people are allowed to have those. People get to have a private life of the mind that nobody else has to sign off on. Transparency is good—don’t lie and say you never watch it if you do—but that’s a different thing. Christian culture needs to stop teaching wives that porn69 usage is a potentially marriage-ending catastrophe. It’s bad for everyone but the scammers in the Christian counseling industry and their totally bogus “porn69 addiction treatment” of various kinds. If these men aren’t treating women with respect, there are about a hundred things in Christian culture that are more likely to be the culprit there than a little porn69, which plenty of men are able to consume just fine without thinking of women as objects. They learned their views right out in the open at church, not from furtive internet searches.

    Also, “porn69 performers are trafficked” is actually largely a conservative Christian myth, as are many things about sex trafficking. Which doesn’t mean that there aren’t issues with worker treatment in the industry but that’s a bit of sensationalism.

  • AFo

    This is his confessional right here. I did not need my suspicions confirmed about how Larry spends his free time, but since he’s done so, let me just point out that this post, in the context of his other writings, also confirms that his entire life revolves around sex2. This attitude is beyond an unhealthy attachment to porn2.

    Also, every time he posts something sex2 related, I definitely get the feeling he was typing with one hand, because he’s absolutely that disgusting.

  • Tawreos

    In New York. There is still a trial in California if I remember correctly.

  • Tawreos

    Maybe two married people can decide what is and is not a problem for them without Larry and the rest of christendom getting involved. I would think that used in moderation there is nothing wrong with adult films, but if you knowingly make me or others wait while you indulge then we are gonna have a chat. Do what you need to and have consideration for others. Not to much to ask an adult I wouldn’t think.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Yeah, I personally have no problem if someone wants to use po2n, but dang be honest about it. It does fill a societal need for guys like Larry that should not ever be foisted on the female population.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Yes, but he is older. If they give him more than ten years its likely to be a life sentence.

    Ugh! Husband watching Fox News and listening to Judge Pirro blaming women for the rapes and excusing his behavior.

  • Karen the rock whisperer

    “People get to have a private life of the mind that nobody else has to sign off on. ”

    I totally agree, but Christian theology identifies lots of thought crimes, lust being the big one. Larry doesn’t seem to want to deal with that.

  • Saraquill

    “Fake news!”

  • Whitney Currie

    The whole functioning alcoholic thing reminds me of Robin Williams. (See below, not at all safe for work!) Funny as Williams was, alcoholism is serious stuff and should not be taken lightly. I had an uncle who was an alcoholic, and he would work train yards drunk2. If you’re addicted to something, be it p0rn2 or alcohol, please get professional help. Seriously, nobody needs that monkey2 on their back.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BX6RrBtjwFI

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I am afraid to think of his habits because my mind goes right to undersea underaged Japanese tentacle po2rn or something much worse.

  • Emersonian

    Do we even know for sure that there *is* a “Mrs. Larry”? Because I find this a little hard to picture.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    “The grievous harm ‮yhpargonrop‬ does to some men by causing them to commodify women in their own minds.”
    To be fair, in Larry’s case, this ship has pretty well sailed. Also, I think his wife would be basically pretty grateful if he did spend all his spare time alone with his ‮yhpargonrop‬ and left her well alone.

  • Mimc

    Larry must be pretty fringe if he’s defending porn2. No one in my circles when I was a Christian would have said something like that.

  • Jennifer

    What did she say??

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Well, Larry is pretty explicit in his belief that the rules just don’t apply to men. That’s messed up but then so, in this case, are the rules. That’s my point, that nobody looks good here.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    I think it also just fills a personal need for many people of all genders who are not terrible people like Larry who should be quarantined from the rest of humanity. There’s nothing pathological about enjoying a little porn69. Plenty of couples do it together and, even if it’s enjoyed alone, people should be allowed to have aspects of their sexuality that are just for them, even if they are partnered. It’s normal and healthy.

    My point is that Larry is a dangerous creep who is wrong about everything but what he is arguing against in this case is also wrong. Christian culture doesn’t teach “Be honest about it” when it comes to porn69, it teaches “Abstain completely or you’re a sicko.” That is really damaging in a number of ways. You can obviously divorce your husband for any reason you want, whether or not I or anyone else thinks it’s a “good” reason–and thank God for that! But I do think that teaching women that “porn69 addiction” is grounds for divorce and then also defining any usage at all as “addiction” is a problem that causes a lot of unnecessary harm and misery in a lot of marriages and promotes sex-negative attittudes that hurt everyone. So I tend to also agree with “Don’t leave your husband over porn69” in the vast majority of cases. It’s just that my reason is “Finding some embarrassing urls in your husband’s browser history is not a reason to suddenly start doubting a relationship that you’ve been otherwise experiencing as happy and healthy” as opposed to Larry’s reason which is “Men don’t have to have any rules and your husband owns you.”

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    He thinks all women hate sex so I doubt this is something on his radar.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Please run far away from any “treatment” that claims to be explicitly for “porn69 addiction.” It is not legit or evidence-based because “porn69 addiction” as a discreet diagnosis is not a thing. That treatment is probably a Christian counseling industry invention that will do nothing but shame people and take their money. The fact is, “porn69 addiction” is a dubious concept at best and is not at all comparable to the abuse of something like alcohol. People can have pathologically unhealthy relationships with porn69 (as they can with many other things) and they can sometimes be helped by interventions that also work for many other things but anyone offering any so-called treatment that claims to discreetly target2 “porn69 addiction” is just trying to sell something worse than useless.

  • Ally

    I think that he answered this in his old article addressed to women about why their husbands might be denying them s3x. He told them that if their husbands were gay, they should pray and look up gay conversion1 therapy. So, no, you can’t divorce your husband over incompatible sexual orientations but you should encourage him to submit to psychologically abus1ve treatment.

    And also, he doesn’t think that women can divorce their husbands for cheating or for not being Christian.

  • paganheart

    I’ve also heard it said that romance novels are to women what 2p0rn2 is to men (and let’s face it, romance novels can be as explicit as any 2p0rn2.)

  • Raging Bee

    If your mom didn’t act surprised when you found the stuff, then yes, your dad was most likely reading it when they were married, and your mom knew about it. If she hadn’t known before, I suspect she would have shown some shock or surprise, even if she hadn’t ever thought it a big deal.

  • Saraquill

    Even Rule 34 would hesitate to make porn2 of Larry.

  • Zeldacat

    That’s my guess, honestly, but I wasn’t about to ask at the time. He was a human, doing human things. It was a good lesson for me, really. But then I didn’t grow up fundamentalist so while sex and related topics were considered things to be informed about but largely private (in other words, make sure the door is closed before activities commenced (solo or otherwise) and if you need help getting birth control please ask), it wasn’t taboo or actively discouraged.

  • Jennifer

    Is it any surprise Larry likes something as unintelligent and exploitative as 2porn? Not at all. Moreover, it’s been getting worse, more violent and more abusive towards women. Plenty of people choose to be involved, but there are connections to trafficking too.

  • Jennifer

    She blamed the ones 1raped? (Not just propositioned?)

  • Saraquill

    Depends on the creator. I’m a regular at a place where he’s a self employed illustrator.

  • Raging Bee

    SOME p0rn2 is getting more violent and abusive, as p0rn2 in general diversifies, from paper mags and video tapes that had to be sold in large numbers to the mainstream, to Internet sites that can cater to narrower niche markets for low or no cost. There’s also plenty of p0rn2 that’s going in the opposite direction for the same reasons.

  • Raging Bee

    Minor corrective quibble: “Christian teachings about ALL ASPECTS OF S3X cause way more misery than porn69 or s3x itself.” “Pr02n addiction” (whether or not it’s really addiction) is just one of the more blatant symptoms of all the disconnect, dysfunction and miserable failure perpetuated by their teachings. Put two people together who were taught to fear and despise their own bodies, rarely got any sexual or relationship experience before committing to marriage, and never learned how to carry on an intimate relationship, and it’s no wonder lots of people (mostly men but probably some women too) find more pleasure and arousal from p0rn2, for less trouble, than from their spouses.

    And it’s probably far easier for people in such situations to agree to pretend “p0rn2 addiction” is THE problem, rather than get to grips with the REAL problems that are leading to said addiction. “I’m getting treatment for p0rn2 addiction” is something one can say without casting any doubt on basic conservative-Christian beliefs; “I’m trying to deal with all the BS I was taught that undermined my ability to love” is not.

  • zizania

    I’ve never had any experience with porn2 addiction with my spouse or any previous relationship. I have, however, had experience with a so-called “functional alcoholic”. Believe me, unless they don’t actually have a driver’s license (and maybe even then) at some point they ARE going to drive while drunk. Probably regularly.

  • Jennifer

    It’s no wonder people call ours a rape culture when videos showing violence against women become more common. I’ve never called it a rape culture, but it’s certainly an exploitative one. The biggest general problem is that consent can never be revoked once any video’s out there.

  • Shan

    People pay for porn69?

    Joking aside, that’s a good point for how “functional addict” doesn’t really work. It might fool the outside world, but it still means issues kept hidden from the public eye.

  • paganheart

    This was more than 15 years ago, before the free stuff was widespread on the internet. Back then, basically most of the sites would lure visitors in with a few free pictures and movie clips, before making them give up a credit card number to get more. Many less- than-ethical operators would keep charging monthly fees and changing their site names even after users tried to cancel their accounts.