Ride Sally Ride – Chapter 13 Exploding Ankle Monitors

Ride Sally Ride – Chapter 13 Exploding Ankle Monitors October 29, 2020

We are continuing on to try and finish up reviewing Doug Wilson’s book “Ride Sally Ride”. Today’s chapter takes an unbelievable secret squirrel turn, like “Mission Impossible” for the brain cell challenged. Plus Doug is busy mentally masturbating over what he views as the upcoming Civil War. Yes, he is proposing treasonous behavior.

When we left yesterday the jury was being threatened by the judge via a henchman. He proposed to harm everyone in their families and even their pets.

During that same lunch break Jon, Stephanie and Ace are in a room there in the same courthouse when Jon tells the two about a letter he got from the governor of Wyoming. The governor is offering to run a black ops type extraction, land a helicopter on the top of the courthouse, to whisk Jon, Stephanie and Ace to sweet freedom in Wyoming.

I guess Doug does not understand federal law enforcement, or the fact that most crimes are extraditable from other states.

The governor says that the fix is in and that Ace will be found guilt of murder, and he wants to extract them out of Colorado and the long arm of the law. He claims Wyoming has secret agents lurking in Colorado.

Cue “Mission Impossible” or as I call it “Mission Improbable” music. Laughing so hard now.

They decide to fly out. The helicopter can accommodate four people only so Jon proposes they add Trish Sasani to their group. Life in the uber liberal Colorado was going to suck for her as a Christian post trial they think.

Then Jon goes further, telling Stephanie to go collect her mother, Vickie Hunt, and that Vickie can have his seat on the chopper, while he’ll make his way across the border on foot.

“It was Stephanie’s first big exercise in trusting God.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! There’s been nothing in the book so far to indicate that the borders between States were closed and  monitored like something out of “The Handmaid’s Tale” until this moment. Doug hasn’t learned he must use foreshadowing, setting up future actions. This is what happens in very bad fan fiction where writers are so in love with their stories or characters they do not bother to try and do anything realistic, just relentlessly drive their own story forward without any editors or beta readers. I would suggest Doug start participating in writing groups like the ones on Reddit, or in the upcoming Nanowrimo and learn all he can from others if he expects to be taken seriously outside of his insular little cult.

Someone working in the courthouse is part and parcel of the Wyoming Resistance, gets them the key to the rooftop and we’re on. The entire bunch races up the stairway and waits for the helicopter. Jon and Vickie forgive each other and make plans to meet up/date in Wyoming. They all rush onto the helicopter as Jon explains that the helicopter filed a false flight plan that they were going to the hospital next door with a car accident patient.

Filing a false flight plan is a crime. Not against individual states per se, but it is a serious violation of FAA federal laws! You can lose your pilots license or even worse! Another case of Doug’s lack of all research, and his lack of knowledge on how the real world works.

Then we get here, stupidest part of the chapter. The armed soldiers on the flight grab Ace and remove his ankle monitor. Doug keeps referring to it as an ‘ankle bracelet’. They remove it, shoving it into a thick steel box, telling Ace that some types of ‘ankle bracelets’ are bombs that will blow your foot off if you leave the area. What. The. Biscuits?????

You’d think if a jurisdiction was stupid enough, liable enough, thuggish badass enough to strap a bomb to your foot they’d warn you not to leave the city limits lest you bleed to death from the missing foot. I have so many questions over this bomb that Doug does not answer! Pretty sure this is not constitutional and would violate laws against cruel and unusual punishment.

Minutes later they hear the bracelet explode inside of the steel container without it turning into even more lethal of a bomb/box.

And now we’re onto the most ridiculous part of the chapter – Civil War over Ace’s escape! Jon escapes and pops up in Wyoming and the world goes nuts. Turns out Jon sold his house six months ago and was possibly squatting/renting and putting the money into cryptocurrency that could not be touched by the evil gubbament. Unlikely. If Doug does not understand how laws work what’s the chances he understands real estate or cryptocurrency either?

California, Oregon and Washington break off from the United States and form their own nation. The new nation, red states and blue states all start squabbling over this petty ass stupid case of robot squashing. Doug claims the fighting and war had to do with boundaries and waterways, nothing else, because they wanted to be separate from each other.

Colorado splits into two states, liberal and conservative, and Ace’s old boss ends up as the lieutenant governor of the conservative half along with some of the jurors in the trial. Ace’s old boss Dave hears this from the ex juror Travis:

“almost as though a higher power was at work”

Nope, that would be the fetid feverish brain of a shut in pastor of a tiny cult in Podunk Nowheresville.

Steve Sasani and Connor Connorson both migrate to Califor-nigh-aye and Doug talks of them going into extreme poverty because of the state being a liberal failure, even if one is an attorney and the other a pharmacist.

The conservative states whup the butts of Oregon and Colorado, putting the citizens under martial law. Why?

“…until they were detoxified..”

Cue the Christian brainwashing brigade and reeducation camps. They follow by taking over Illinois and doing the same stupid thing to Chicago.

Doug claims all this happens because the blue states and the new nation are filled with pacifists who:

“…were not exactly savvy about military affairs…”

Another facet of life Doug knows nothing about, the military. He’s really an idiot if he thinks the entire military is as conservative as him. Just like the world the military is filled with folks from all across the political spectrum. All this does is make me wish MTV “Celebrity Death Match” was still on air and that they’d do an episode having Mahatma Gandi beating the biscuits out of our ovoid Doug Wilson. Or there was some possible way to draft Doug for service in the Middle East. Talk is cheap, buddy!

And we have but one chapter to go. Everyone keeps telling me that the last two pages are a disgusting glurgfest, but I don’t see how this can possibly get any worse unless Doug throws some naughty sexy times into the mix. Which, knowing him, he just might!

Part 1 ~ Part 2 ~ Part 3

Part 4 ~ Part 5 ~ Part 6

Part 7


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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 34 years You can read more about the author here.

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