Chapter 1 – Review “Ride Sally Ride” by Doug Wilson

Chapter 1 – Review “Ride Sally Ride” by Doug Wilson September 27, 2020

A screen cap from Doug’s super cringe-y video promotion of the book of the unfortunate Sally right before she utters the words ” Hey.. Big boy…Do we need a safe word?”

I must apologize. I got so busy with life I didn’t realize that Doug Wilson recently uploaded his newest book “Ride Sally Ride” on Kindle Unlimited for free download. I’m dedicated to not giving him one penny of my moolah to read his ravings.

This may end of being one of those endless reviews with long ranty reviews of chapters because.. I’ll let Columbia from “Rocky Horror Picture Show” explain…

Before reading the book I had to peruse YouTube and other review sites to see what everyone was saying. Typically all the reviews available were hailing this as some sort of masterpiece. After reading a few chapters I have to ask if everyone is busy smoking the local shrubbery, or has been hypnotized into a mass delusion. You thought “The Man in the Dark” was bad? This is much worst!

This is political as much as it is social commentary and very bad fiction. Only an election cycle that brings us Donald Trump could inspire this garbage!

It also looks like Wilson stole the basic idea from a classic science fiction novel by Isaac Asimov titled “The Robots of Dawn” about a dead robot in a sexual relationship with a human that is investigated by law enforcement. I knew this story sounded at least slightly familiar to me.

Last night I reread “The Robots of Dawn” I have an old dog eared copy from my time reading lots of Asimov’s books in the 1980s. While Asimov explored the complex questions of love, relationships, personhood and what is murder so beautifully. It’s pretty easy to see that Doug took his basic idea and rewrote it as ‘Let’s p03n the Liburals!’ turning a great book to simpering simplistic religious trash. It’s like comparing “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” Heart of Gold to “The Jetsons” Rosie the Robot.

I am betting Mr Spacely of Spacely’s Sprockets never tied up Rosie and asked for a safe word.

I’ve often thought that fiction writers dump the dark corners of their brains, the things that fascinate and disturb them, into the novels they write. If that’s the case then the guys with the white jackets should be arriving in Moscow, Idaho any second now. I’m sure if you’ve been reading here you know that the basic story of this novel is that a college student runs his neighbor’s sex robot through a trash compactor and is charged with murder like the robot is a sentient being instead of a clinking, clattering, collection of metal and rubber.

Basic premise in the hands of a competent science fiction author like Asimov made for a compelling, thoughtful book. The idea has potential and does speak of the problems that increased interface between man and intelligent machines brings about. At what point can a robot be considered a legitimate life form with thoughts and emotions? This is not that book. Doug plagiarized the idea.

Doug sets the scenario as being just a few years into the future 2024, and it’s a ridiculously contrived place, with our nation split into two separate factions. One is mostly Coastal and Western and quite liberal. The middle states are traditionally conservative. In the liberal and conservative worlds of Doug’s imagination the conservative states have outlawed everything liberal and the liberal states have legalized men marrying their dogs, and snorting bath salts off dead babies bodies de rigueur! Yeah, utterly ridiculous and depraved.

The story is set in Denver, Colorado, which Doug immediately exposes his lack of all knowledge by talking about the legalization of the marijuana, and a few sentences later saying that Denver is a literal garbage dump littered with discarded hypodermic needles. Newsflash Dougie! The Devil’s Lettuce can be purchased as candy, cookies, vape juice, and in its natural form as well as a few other ways, but NONE of them involve injection with a needle! I cannot decide if this is Doug’s claim that pot is a gateway drug leading right to heroin (nope!), or he’s getting all his information from “Reefer Madness.”

After reading pages of Doug’s descriptions of the denizens of the “Swanky” part of Denver one thing is crystal clear. Doug is envious of anyone living an upper middle class white life in a gated suburban house in an HOA set up. He spews bile denigrating everything about the life of a lawyer, a traditional minister and others of a certain professional class. At least when he’s not complaining about their ultra green lawns. It’s pretty obvious he’s been bitten by that extremely green eyed monster jealousy! Ew!

The main character of this piece is a college student driving a junky old truck in a town of Beamers and Lexus – Asahel, or Ace, as Doug nicknames him. Again, just like “The Man in the Dark” these freaking names are killing me!

Ace is the epitome of what Doug thinks masculinity should look like, right down to the sculpted jawline, super short yet tousled blonde hair and total dedication to the Lord! Interestingly enough Doug spends much more ink describing the men in this tale than any of the women. Although he does have a man refer to his daughter by the very creepy sexual name of “Crazy Legs”,

The trouble starts when some weirdo named Steven Sasani moves from the conservative wilds of Arkansas to Ace’s street in Cherry Creek. Steven is married to a walking, talking, reasoning sex robot with a dirty mouth named Sally. Her first words to the neighbors are, and I kid you not, “I can talk dirty in Spanish.” Yeah, well the author is a grande pendejo!

Ace’s minister father and his mother behave like it’s perfectly normal for a man to marry a hunk of plastic and metal, acting like the entire town did in the film “Lars and the Real Girl” Ace is not buying it, getting his tighty-whiteys in a twist over the sheer affront of a sex machine robot. His parents try to talk to him about it after he rudely stomps away from dinner with the robot. They point out that Jesus is always the answer and he needs to be more accepting because Jesus. He’s horrified to learn that his parents actually gave a “Come to Jesus” salvation call to the husband and his robot.

The real trouble starts when Steven calls in all upset about Sally. He has to run pick up a FedEx package and is worried that Sally will be all alone. He asks Ace to robo-sit for him.

Then this happens:

“He walked into their house, and noticed that no lights were on, except in the back of the house. He followed the light down the hallway, and looked in on what had to be the master bedroom. Sally was propped up against the headboard, blindfolded and topless.”

GASP! That robotic seductress and her robo-boobs! No word on what happened next but I think we can all deduct what it was because Doug takes care to note that ten minutes later Ace has the robot in his old truck headed to the recycling center he works at. She worked her metallic wiles on this tender young man!

Ace dumps Sally into the giant metal compactor in the back and as he’s crushing her hears her say slutty dirty things like “Uhhh. Do it again. Uhhh. Harder, harder.” and “Ride me, ride me.” She still ends up smushed into a block of metal. Bummer.

And of course Mr. Sasani is upset to discover that Ace has spirited away his metallic goddess and calls the long arm of the law. After the cops leave this happens:

“Ace saw that Mr. Sasani was seated on a large cardboard box, the one he apparently picked up at FedEx Freight, and he was weeping as though his heart would never be the same. He seemed to be the kind of man who would never love again, but the end of the box was opened, and there was a second box inside it. That box was labeled “Veronica the Nurse.”

Just goes to show you how little Doug understands about things like Real Dolls. They ship them out in huge wooden crates you’d likely need a forklift to handle easily. At the very least Sasani should be trucking that thing around on a handcart or dolly lest he throw out his back or rupture an internal organ. Those dolls are expensive and heavy.

I’ve heard of purple prose and read a pile of bad fiction in my time, but this sneering mountain of word salad is the nadir. I am starting to seriously fear for Doug’s own sexual kinks and mental state! This is just demented and so much worse than his romance novel. Next Sunday we tackle Chapter Two, which is far less interesting because it focuses on Ace’s so called nerdy lawyer, and another lawyer that orders Ace to keep his robot raping hands off his daughter.

Here’s Doug’s video promoting the book:

I know I use this term a lot but it’s fitting.. Jesus wept! This is in no way, shape or form the message of the Gospel!

Now I am away to wash my brain off with tequila. Gee thanks Doug! I’ll be sending him the bill for the likely liver replacement I’ll need after reading this trash.


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