Permission to Live
Early in childhood I thought everyone spanked their kids. I was spanked for disobedience, laziness, backtalk, bad attitude. I was used to it. I was not spanked every day, probably several times in any given week. But with all the kids in my family, multiple spankings were given out every day in my home. When I was in charge I was taught to spank my siblings for disobedience, to maintain control.
When I was a “mothers helper” at age ten for a woman having a tough pregnancy, I watched her kids all day while she directed from the couch. Her seven year old son talked back at some point during the day and I remember his mother writing it down to tell his father. When his father got home from work he immediately escorted the disobedient child to a back room and administered the spanking, the blows and screams were audible from across the house. The child came out of the room wiping tears off his face and bragged to me that his dad had used his belt to spank him, and I never blinked.
All this to say, I was used to the corporal punishment model. We only fellowshiped with like-minded families, so most of the people we knew used spanking as well. And anyone who didn’t was usually portrayed in a negative light, “Look at how badly behaved their child is”, “It’s too bad they let their children rule their lives”. We all pitied the non-spanker’s, how sad that they had let the world undermine their parenting. Spanking was the Biblical way to discipline children, if you didn’t spank, everyone knew that your child would grow up unruly, ungodly and (worst of all!) disrespectful.
When I quit spanking a year ago, I felt so alone. Surely I was the only christian parent that didn’t spank. What if my kids grew up ungodly? What would everyone think of my parenting. At first I didn’t tell family members, but when I did I was met with skepticism. “It won’t work for long” they condescended, “maybe you can make it work when they are little, but what about when they are older?” or “you only have girls right now, eventually you’ll have a boy that “needs” to be spanked”. I was tempted to give up on the whole thing. On those early bad days where everything went wrong and I had no idea what to do, if I couldn’t spank, how was I supposed to maintain control? Time outs? Yelling? I didn’t want my kids to get used to pleading or bribing. Often I found myself banging my head against the wall in frustration, baffled.
When I started googling phrases like “I stopped spanking now what?” and “how to get good behavior without spanking”, I wasn’t too excited about the results. It’s amazing what bizarre stuff is out there. But over time I’ve collected a little arsenal of encouraging blogs and websites. It has been so exciting for me to find a “community” of parents who are raising their kids without spanking. I realize that my kids are young and there are lots more bumps in the road, but I feel equipped to face the challenge. Thank you to everyone who shared their favorite websites!
I’ve shared the books, and I promised to share the links, and here they are! Hope they help you as much as they’ve helped me.
Why consider non-spanking discipline choices?
Website of stats, articles and history of spanking – nospank.net
Testimonies from parents who have spanked
Catholic Dr and Father lists 10 reasons why he cannot spank
These websites refute the punitive discipline mindset and share stories and tips for the gentle discipline mindset. In my times of doubt I have found them inspiring. When looking for ideas on how to train I have found them very helpful:
Lists of specific problem behaviors and ideas on how to deal with them from Dr Sears.
nogreaterjoychildren – Facebook Group
Blog series refuting “To train up a child” – theologica.ning.com
whynottotrainachild – facebook group
Besides it’s hilarious title, this website has some great thoughts. – Get off your butt parenting
Interesting blog where she talks about discipline and refutes Dobson – Dare to Disciple
If any of you have a favorite that I haven’t listed here, please share it in the comments!
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