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Todd Unctuous on the Synod

No doubt the acceptance of same sex marriage is right around the corner for people of the same sex, followed by  polygamy and having more than one wife.  I understand that behind the closed doors of the Vatican, deep in the secret archives, some of the cardinals of the church are even discussing whether it might be permissible for the inquisition to be brought back so that those who disagree with them could be quietly imprisoned and executed.

It has happened before. It could happen again. It is not a pleasant topic to discuss, but we all know what Shakespeare wrote, “You can’t make a Hamlet without breaking legs.”

The first to go would be those reactionaries who are opposed to change.

My brother in law Conor is a devout Catholic who has chosen at this time to distance himself from attendance at Mass. He is also somewhat of a theologian and he informs me that the reason for the Catholic Church is to bring about change in society. He says the whole reason the Catholic Church was founded in the first place was to foster revolution amongst the slaves in Rome. The Catholic Church is first and foremost an institution of the people, by the people and for the people. That is why the Pope and Catholic sisters ride on the bus. “Liberty, Fraternity and Equality” was it’s main creed. Jesus Christ was a freedom fighter who died at the hands of imperialists haters and homophobes. Like the Greeks and the Romans before them.

Conor explained how Marxism is the true religion of the Roman Catholic Church and pointed out that Karl Marx was the founder of liberation theology. He pointed out that Barbara Ann Marx Hubbard–who lectures Roman Catholic nuns on spirituality is not only descended from Old Mother Hubbard but is also a descendent of Karl Marx and was once married to the religious founder L. Ron Hubbard. She is also a cousin to one of the pope’s friends, Cardinal “Harpo” Marx from Germany and she was the inspiration for the Beach Boys hit song “Barbara Ann.” Conor explained how the Marx brothers comedy team were secretely devout Jewish Catholics who also believed in Catholicism as the main source for worker’s rights and revolution. Groucho Marx wore a mustache in order to identify with other dictators like Sadaam Hussein, Stalin and Hitler who all wore mustaches. The left wing Catholic blogger Marx Che (pronounced Shea) is also part of the conspiracy according to Conor. However Marx Che does not wear a mustache.

Before it was corrupted with men who wanted to make themselves into emperors and petty dictators the Catholic Church was a movement of the people with the rallying cry, “All Are Welcome!”

Conor makes the very interesting point that all those who disagree with this idea need to be excluded. I am not so radical as he is, but he believes that anyone who dissents from the revolutionary objectives of the real Catholic religion should find another way, go off and form their own religion if they don’t like it. Conor,  who is what they call a “cradle Catholic” was brought up in a devoutly Irish family and he clearly knows what his faith is all about because he drank it in with a sip of Irish stout from his early days. He has also attended the St Patrick Day parade in New York every year.

Conor was telling me just the other evening about his dislike of converts to the Catholic faith. He says they invade his beloved Catholic Church and pretend they know something about it. He was lamenting the fact that apparently some of them believe that to be a good Catholic you have to go to Mass every week. They say things like, “the Holy Father should define and defend the faith”. I am sympathetic with Conor when he begins to rant about these people. These are Westboro Catholics. They are close minded, harsh, legalistic, angry bigots. They are fundamentalist racists. They also resort to name calling.

“These people must go!” Conor claims. “There is no place for them in a church that welcomes all.”

Although I am not a religious man, I do respect people like Conor and other brave Catholics like Ted Kennedy,  Arnold Schwarzenegger and the singer Madonna. They show us non Catholics that it is possible to be both Catholic and have an open mind. They are brave enough to assert the truth that it is perfectly possible for devout Catholics to take a stand in favor of abortion, assisted suicide and eugenics without failing to be sincere and humble believers.

Pope Francis has made it to the front of Time Magazine and been hailed as a hero to the homosexual movement because he does not judge. He is spiritual not religious (even though he goes through the motions of being religious) Although I am not a Roman Catholic he is my pope. I know that I am welcomed by his church even though I do not wish to belong to it. Instead I see myself as belonging to that great movement of people who are spiritual but not religious like Harvey Milk, vice president Michelle Obama, Joanna Fluke and the actor and activist Ben Affleck. These leaders of stage and screen show us the way in a world darkened by angry and frightened conservatives and fundamentalists.

Todd Unctuous is forty-two.

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