During a recent counseling session, Karen and Joshua, in their late thirties, spoke about their finances, and explained how their debt was causing stress in their relationship. Since they are both self-employed and were paid sporadically, it was easy for debt to build up and most of their discussions about money turned into arguments over the past few years. Married for over a decade and raising two children, they had drifted apart and the last thing they wanted to talk... Read more
During a recent counseling session, Monica, 40, complained about her two-year daughter Abigail, crying too much and being unsure about how to handle her. This is a common concern of parents with young children whom I meet with for counseling. Monica put it like this, “My husband Kyle and I disagree about what to do when Abbey cries. He thinks we should let her cry it out and I don’t agree. When we do, she just seems more agitated and... Read more
While it is natural to feel hurt when a loved one has done something wrong or said something offensive, taking their actions personally can prolong the process of healing and cause people undue misery. My first experience with taking things too personally in my second marriage was when my husband Craig gave me feedback about my parenting skills. For a few years, I took his comments personally and reacted defensively to his comments. That said, Craig felt I was too... Read more
Eileen, 53, and Jason, 58, have been married fifteen years and came to counseling to improve their communication and to stop bickering. Like many couples who I counsel, I asked them both what was working in their marriage and what areas need to be “worked on.” Eileen put it like this, “I know Jason works hard and is a good provider but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I think he takes me for granted and I feel lonely.”... Read more
Sitting on the couch in my office, Jessica, 32, shares her struggle with opening up to her fiancé Stephen, 36. She says, “It’s like I freeze when we are talking about sensitive topics. Since we are engaged, I worry that my difficulty sharing my true feelings with backfire later on.” If we have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed... Read more
Think about it: when you’re in a good mood, you might cut your partner some slack. It’s easy to show generosity when they make a mistake, even granting them forgiveness more readily. Let’s face it, our moods greatly affect our communication. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive what our partner says negatively. This point is illustrated by Rachel’s bad day and her negative interaction with Tom when she comes home feeling hungry and aggravated. Rachel,... Read more
Bailey, 36, and Kevin, 40, sat on my couch for their couples counseling session and shared their disappointment about their bickering and falling out of love. Bailey put it like this, “Kevin works long hours and when we do see each other, we argue a lot. I just don’t feel loved by him anymore and feel sad about it.” Kevin responds, “I’m at the end of my rope with Bailey’s criticism and negative evaluations about our relationship. We’ve only been... Read more
During a recent couples counseling session, Karen, 37, and Rob, 40, discuss their destructive pursuer-distancer pattern in their marriage. During their ten-year relationship, Karen has felt ignored and emotionally neglected by Rob often and Rob feels criticized, unloved, and unappreciated. Karen put it like this, “No matter how hard I try, Rob withdraws and avoids talking to me when I seek him out. He says that I’m needy and put too much pressure on him and I feel lonely... Read more
Allyssa, 37, and John, 40, sat on the couch in my office for their first couples counseling session and spoke about how frequently they trigger each other. When this happens, it usually sets the stage for arguments where they say hurtful things to one another. These disagreements can lead to tension and emotional distance that lasts for several hours, or even a couple of days. Allyssa put it like this. “I love John but sometimes my mind spins out of... Read more
While it’s tempting to launch into expressing anger and to get into the attack mode when you feel hurt or frustrated, it can alienate your partner and drive a wedge between you. That said, you’ll accomplish more and improve your communication if you tell your partner what you need in a positive way. For instance, if Joshua says to Bella “I would appreciate it if you’d tell me about your plans with your family,” this “I” statement would be more... Read more
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