When couples come to my office for counseling, one of the most common complaints they have is that they take each other for granted and lack appreciation or gratitude. Susannah put it like this: “I know that Thomas loves me but I rarely hear a thank you from him. We just bought a new home, and I’m good with finances and paperwork, so I handled most everything. He simply said something like “what a relief to get the mortgage approved,’... Read more
It is important to empower your daughter to express her feelings after your divorce, because girls tend to derive their self-worth from relationships and they may take things personally. As a result, they may blame themselves and be more vulnerable to the losses associated with a divorce in their family. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that how you talk to your daughter about her feelings and how connected she feels to both of her parents after your... Read more
One of the common themes that arises during couples counseling sessions is jealousy. For instance, when Stacy, 36, talked about anger toward her husband Jeff, 39, it usually came down to her feeling jealous and mistrustful about his relationships with female colleagues and his former girlfriend, Kendra, who was still in touch with him through social media. Jealousy is the polar opposite of trusting someone. Taking ownership of your jealous feelings will allow you to face them head on and... Read more
Many divorced parents contact me and ask for advice about co-parenting with a difficult or high- conflict ex-partner. They often seem surprised that they are still dealing with the same dynamics in their relationship with their ex and ongoing challenges. Marie put it like this: “I thought that after my divorce Tom and I could cooperate more easily but he gives me a hard time about little things, arrives late to pick up our two young children, and tries to... Read more
Karen, 48, sat on the sofa in my office and recalled the details of her recent divorce saying, “I didn’t realize how hard it would be when I made a decision to leave James last year. It has taken me over a year to be able to talk about him to my friends without some regrets. Even though we bickered constantly and he was emotionally abusive, it’s been hard to let go and move on.” The reality is that breakups... Read more
Over the last two decades since my divorce, I’ve come to the conclusion that my first marriage didn’t fail – it simply ended due to incompatibility and our difficulties resolving or managing ongoing conflicts. Throughout my journey from an unhappy first marriage to a healthier second marriage, I’ve examined my first marriage from every angle – dissecting every reason why it didn’t work. I also took my time to decide the kind of second marriage that would work for me and... Read more
Both men and women stay in relationships that are destructive due to fears about being alone. Our culture promotes the idea that you have to be part of a couple and there is a lot of stigma about being single. For instance, Kim met Tom on the rebound and she often feels that he treats her badly, breaking promises, arriving late when they are meeting somewhere, and picking arguments with her. Her close friends advise that she break up with... Read more
Dear Terry, My parents divorced when I was seven years old. After my dad moved out, he’d pick me up every Saturday and we’d go out for ice cream or a burger at his favorite spot, but things were never close between us. We rarely spent time together at his house because of my stepmother was not friendly and had her own three kids to deal with. I felt like he picked them over me so I stopped going with him... Read more
During our couples counseling sessions, Kylie, 48, complains about Justin’s, 50, lack of love and attention. She feels like they are roommates and that he rarely gives her praise for being a loving and supportive wife. Likewise, Justin, feels neglected by Kylie at times because she “shuts down” when she feels annoyed or hurt. This creates a vicious cycle of withdrawal and frustration. When this happens, neither one of them is getting their needs met. Kylie puts it like this:... Read more
Caitlin, an outgoing teacher, 35, came to my office for counseling recently and discussed her tendency to pick unsuitable partners. She says, “I always tend to go for men who are emotionally distant. I think it’s because I fear getting hurt and so it allows me to protect myself. I’ve been hurt too many times and I’m wary of exposing myself to emotional pain.” Many people waste time with partners who are not a good match for them. This trend... Read more
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