Missing Ilana: 5 years in

Every year on this day I write about the best friend that I lost in 2010.

At this point my grief has settled into a groove. Time has healed me somewhat but I think the pain never completely goes away. I still think about Ilana a lot and I think about everything she is missing out on. I wish I could have shared the joys in my life with her and I wish that I could have shared more in the joys of her life. I wish I could have known her children and grandchildren. I wish she had met my husband.

I miss her advice. I miss her laugh. I miss having that someone that I could talk about anything with.

But I’m surviving and my life is moving forward.

Someday I’ll be showing her picture to my children and telling them stories about the auntie they’ll never know in person.

I’m glad that I’m in India this year for the anniversary of her death. Usually I spend the day at home under the covers in bed. This year I’ll be forced to put the grief aside and focus on the present.

In one way losing her reminds me that life is terrifyingly temporary. In another way I don’t think that her life should have been sacrificed for the sake of other people having insights.

Life is a gritty experience and it’s hard to see the way forward at times.

I share the story of Ilana with you because I want to share her with others. I want people to keep being able to meet her. She was a bright light in this world.