A friend of mine who traveled with me in India this previous trip works in the healing field. She does physical healing as well as energy work to heal on the subtle level. When she heard that I’ve been struggling with fertility she offered to take a look and do some energy work with me.
I warned her that I’ve never felt the energy and she told me to do some light activity while she was working long distance. Not meditation, interestingly. She said it’s important to be connected with my body. So I worked on making dinner. Strangely I started having an evangelical Christian song stuck in my head.
Then I felt like this was the prefect time to take a shower. That’s relaxing and keeps me connected to my body. So I did that and then I played with my cat.
My friend called back with her results and the first thing she said was that she could feel a very clear and strong connection between me and the divine. She felt that I have a lot of love and a good energy. That was very flattering to hear!
I found myself tearing up, but that’s not exactly unusual. I cry really easily.
Then she said that she felt that fear is holding me back. She wasn’t sure what was generating that fear but I knew right away that it’s true. Just under the surface I have a lot of fear bubbling. I try to ignore it and keep moving forward, but it’s barely contained always ready to burst forth into terror and anxiety.
Fear of death, fear that my children will be unhappy, fear that I have no control over them having good lives, fear of not having enough money…so much fear. So much intense fear. And I don’t know how to get rid of it. The only strategy I’ve ever had is repress and redirect attention. Apparently that’s not really working.
As we spoke I was very struck that one big thing I’m repressing is the bitterness towards Christianity. Having just read Post Traumatic Church Syndrome it does feel like the universe trying to tell me something. All these influences coming together to say this bitterness and anger is hurting you and you’ve got to find a way to heal from it.
Where is this bitterness coming from?
I don’t really know. I feel anger that there are people who think what the Middle East needs most is evangelism. I’m bitter that there are people who think my connection with God isn’t valid because it wasn’t brokered through Jesus.But why am I worried about other people and their vision of faith? Why should those people keep me from experiencing the Gods everywhere?
My friend also spoke about my difficulty loving myself as I am today. And not just as I am today but also having care, love, and respect for the person I used to be. As you’ve seen in some of my recent posts (again like the PTCS post) I am experiencing an intense disconnect between who I am today and who I used to be and thought I’d be. I’m finding it impossible to reconcile those two and there’s a lot of sadness surrounding that.
So what is my action plan?
I’ve been missing my bhajan group because of work and I really need to get back to it. The music helps clear out my emotions. I’ve decided to start going to the ISKCON temple more because it’s somewhere that I can concentrate on prayer without feeling like a museum exhibit and they have an open house on Sundays so it’s very clear when is a good time to be there.
Today I decided that I’m also going to visit a Catholic church.
I need to stop running away and start facing the issues that I have with Christianity. I need to focus on my own spiritual connection and stop worrying about whether other people think it’s good or not. I need to be able to worship in a Christian space without feeling like I’m being strangled.
Once I can do that I think the expression of my Hindu faith will gain even more strength. I feel very strongly that this is something I need to do.
Why Catholic? Something is pulling me in that direction. I think because it is strongly ritualistic and therefore comfortable to me. The more loose “spirit-led” kind of worship is too triggering of my own PTCS.
Something else my friend suggested was to take time to walk barefoot in the grass and really connect with nature and my body. She spoke of a prayer that has long been one of my favorites. It sums up so well how the physical realm can be an expression of the spiritual realm: Shiva Manasa Puja.
Here it is chanted in Sanskrit with translations:
My favorite line has always been “When I walk I am going in circles around you.”