I’m not sure if guilt is quite the right word. Kind of a mix of guilt, shame, embarrassment? Whatever it is, I’m super prone to it. I feel it particularly about my past. I’m embarrassed and guilty about things I did as a kid. Sometimes just normal kid things. Every temper tantrum I ever had I am ashamed of. I feel bad for every moment of greed or selfishness.
And I don’t just feel it for myself. I feel it on behalf of other people. I remember when my dad told me a story from his childhood. He begged his dad to take him on a carnival ride that he was too young for. His dad relented and my dad hated it so much that they had to pull the emergency switch and get off. As he told me this story, I felt a kind of humiliation wash over me. I felt upset about this child’s mistake. When you beg for something as a kid and you really want it and then it turns out you were wrong and you don’t like it at all. Any time I see or hear that happening it rattles me deeply and I don’t know why.
I know that when people have children they are often, perhaps subconsciously, trying to redeem something in themselves. It is my hope that I can have patience and grace when these situations arise with Garrick. And I also hope that working through them with him will help me get over my feelings of embarrassment about myself as a child. I hope that it helps me to forgive myself.